Glenallen Hill: 2009 Battle Royale Champion!

With a final score of 20-17, Glenallen Hill defeates Keith Moreland to become the first ever champion of the Cubs of Yore Battle Royale.

Congrats to Hill, and good luck to him next year when he'll defend his title in CoYBR 2010.

Thank you to everyone that participated throughout the Battle Royale.

Cubs of Yore Battle Royale: The Final Battle

Well here it is. The final battle of the 2009 CoYBR. Seems like yesterday we were just starting the first round, am I right?*

For our final match we have the number one seed out of the Jose Cardenal Region, Keith Moreland. He'll be battling the sixth seed out of the Ivan DeJesus Region, Glenallen Hill.

Both challengers were brilliantly spotlighted earlier today by The Hundley. Now it's time to get down to business.

Over in the sidebar to your right you'll find a poll for the final match. Vote early and vote often.**

Polls will close on August 26th. The results will remain hidden until then.

To recap, I've updated the full bracket to show how the tournament has progressed up to now. Click on the bracket below to see an enlarged version that is actually legible.



*I looked back and was horrified to see I started this whole thing back in April. I apologize. This should have never been dragged out so long. Expect the 2010 COYBR to run much smoother.

**Actually don't vote often. Just vote once. Don't be that asshole ballot stuffing an online poll. Clearly your time could be better spent trolling blogs and typing "FIRST!" in the comments. But DO spread the word to your friends and get them to vote.

Cubs of Yore: Double Dipping to the Finals

Hi-ya, sportsfans! You haven't forgotten about the Cubs of Yore Battle Royale, have you? We're down to two finalists: Glenallen Hill and Keith Moreland. Oh the suspense is terrible, I hope it will last! It's Friday, so if you're even at work, now would be a good time to crack open a slightly chilled bottle of Grain Belt beer and switch your office phone to "away". Read through this a few times and then wonder why they call them roofies and not "floories" or "rape-ees". If your boss questions you, simply tell him or her, "Um, I'm kind of busy here."

I'm sure Chip Wesley will put up one of his bright and shiny web polls so you can cast your vote. THIS TIME IT COUNTS.

GLENALLEN HILL

Nickname: The Angry Black Man, G-Hill

Played for The Cub: '93-'94, '98-'00

Random Write-up: Let's face it, The Angry Black Man was fun to watch. He never smiled. He'd only swing a bat with his arms. He said he never lifted weights because he would get too big -- he only did situps and jumped rope with a weighted rope. Rumors that his "jump ropes" were actually tugboat cables have never been proven. (It also has never been disproven). The guy wasn't exactly known for his defense out in left. It was once said by Mariner pitching coach Bryan Price that seeing him play the field was “akin to watching a gaffed haddock surface for air." Mysteriously, Bryan Price was never heard from again, and along with the Lindbergh Baby, his disappearance remains one of the great unsolved mysteries. The Angry Black Man giveth, and he taketh away.

Drafted by the Blue Jays in the 9th round of the 1983 Draft, G-Hill was always known for his prodigious home runs. In 1999, he was reluctantly wearing blue shoes after MLB told him that he could not continue wearing his favorite red shoes. Angrier than normal, he took his typical arms-only swing, and became the first ever person to put a shot on the rooftops across the street from Wrigley. In typical fashion, his expression never changed, and he circled the bases with his head down and his arthritic knees hobbling along. Truly a shot that has made grown men weep. Yeah, you know you want to see it again.

What the hell?: Once missed a game for a mess of cuts and bruises suffered during a nightmare. The Big G is reportedly TERRIFIED of spiders (arachnophobia). Consequently, he had a nightmare about spiders, freaked out, and ran around like only The Angry Black Man can. While most people's careers or lives would have ended, Angry took a trip on the 15-day DL. No one had the guts to make fun of him, natch. Reportedly broke his bat on a check swing despite no contact of the ball. He was also arguing balls and strikes with an ump one time (he choose not to rip his spinal column out) and the ump told the pitcher to throw anyway. G stepped back in at the last second and inside-outted a double to right.

Also of Note: Career (estimated) earnings of $11,245,000 -- he is currently a coach for the Colorado Rockies. Was originally traded to The Cub for Candy "Ass" Maldonado.

KEITH MORELAND

Nickname: Zonk

Played for The Cub: 1982 - 1987

Random Write-up: Keith patrolling the outfield or third base wasn't exactly poetry in motion. In fact, his awkwardness and unusually slow speed lead me to believe he was actually fat. After looking back at some pictures, I realized I was wrong. I guess that's one of those things you just associate when you're but a little kid, seeing Moreland bumbling around the field or the basepaths. You can't knock him for effort, though. The guy played when and where he was asked, whether it be catcher, third, or left field. Probably the lasting impression many have of him is his love for Texas. He went to The University of Texas and always saluted the Bleacher Bums with the hook-'em-horns gesture. I also vaguely remember him hitting a homerun and trying to do a cartwheel after he crossed home. It looked like someone threw a sack of potatoes off the back of a work truck. Real graceful.

What the Hell?: He won a World Series ring with his original team, the Phillies. He was one of the many that Dallas Green brought over during the rebuilding phase of the early 80's which was actually somewhat successful. He was traded to the Cub for Mike Krukow and cash. In 1985, he hit .307 and had 106 RBI.

Also of Note: Career (estimated) earnings of $5.4 million. Not bad for a klutz, eh? Currently is involved in UT baseball, announcing games from the booth. Rumored to be doing some work for ESPNU. Also played football at UT, which probably explains the lumbering. I'm guessing fullback or blocking tight end. As many of you know, this year Keith has been filling in for Santo on radio broadcasts, and has proven to be a great color man. He actually gives the listeners game analysis instead of the "Oh yes!" and "Dang it!" and "Jeez!" that we've been accustomed to.

Cubs of Yore Battle Royale: Final Four

I know, I know. Really there's no excuse for such a long hiatus of the Battle Royale. Well there is. I'm an incredibly lazy bastard. But that excuse doesn't work with the wife so why would it here?

So here we are, the Final Four. It's been a long hard battle but we're down to these quadfecta of Cubs of Yore titans:

Keith "Zonk" Moreland - The O.G. (Original Ginger) of the Cubs. Keith was recently seen on a Cubs broadcast alongside Len Kasper as a color analyst.

he battles...

Dwight "Awww shit, you know" Smith - The Billy Dee Williams of the Cubs. Dwight was recently seen showing off his World Series ring to Jerome Walton for the zillionth time.

* * *

Glenallen "Is that a spider?" Hill - The Bad Ass Motherfucker of the Cubs. Glenallen was recently seen shopping at a Whole Foods Market wearing his batting helmet.

he battles...

Steve "Rainbow" Trout - The Wild Card of the Cubs. Steve was recently seen at Chipotle challenging any who dared compete against him in a burrito eating contest.

Moreland vs. Smith! Hill vs. Trout! Cast your votes now in the polls in the sidebar. We'll close the polls on Tuesday at noon central time.

CoY Battle Royale Results: Ahmadinejad, I mean Keith Moreland wins!

Yes it was completely legitimate.

Keith Moreland defeats Mark DeRosa 27-22

Dwight Smith defeats Turk Wendell 27-22

Glenallen Hill defeats Joe Borowski 42-7

Steve Trout defeats Mike Bielecki 33-15

So in the Final Four we will have Moreland vs. Smith, and Hill vs. Trout. Now on to the voter comments you kids seem to enjoy so much.

• I know Dwight is a TMS Bartender fan-favorite, but I joined up after the fact, and I always bet on CRAZY. I'm hoping for a Zonk, Turk, Frankenstein, Trout final four. Oh, and sorry ladies, the Pulse should NEVER have made it this far. ~ Wolter

• Enough with the mancrush on DeRosa....he's got to go down. Glenallen Hill is taking this shit.

• Mark DeRosa IS from Valhalla. So far that trade looks pretty suspect. Glenallen Hill didn't need no steroids-other ballplayers inject his blood and get the same results as steroids. Dwight Smith-stay black. Steve Trout, just for his awesomely poofy website.

• Why Glenallen Hill? Because fuck you, that's why.

• I have no idea what I just did. I love America.

• I remember reading an article about Bielecki in one of those glossy Cubs yearbooks you used to be able to buy at the park. In it, they revealed that the other players on the 1990 Cubs called him "Style Master". I like to believe that somewhere out there, on a dark street corner, there's a Style Master saying "$40, but I don't get in the back of a van."

• Please, for the love of God, warn your readers. THERE IS NO CANDY IN STEVE TROUT'S WINDOWLESS VAN!!!

• As much as Zonk was a part of my childhood, DeRo was/is definitely The Man. Dwight Smith deserves to move on because... aww shit, y'know. Once again, I am too scared to vote against Glenallen Hill. And Steve Trout's website is epic.

• I voted for DeRo just so you would have to Machiavelli the results.

I could post the Final Four today or tomorrow but I'm too lazy. Look for it next week. Thanks for voting!

CoY Battle Royale Update: Elite Eight Polls Closing in 2 Hours

In past rounds I've just ended the battles and an undetermined time. However there's one battle raging on in particular right now that is as close as it can get. So I'm just posting a quick FYI to anyone that has yet to vote that the polls will officially close at 1:00pm Central Time. I will reveal the full results sometime later this afternoon.

CoY Battle Royale: The Elite Eight

At long last the Battle Royale rages on. Only eight men left standing, soon to be four. For a quick update of what has happened thus far, click the full bracket at right.

A quick refresher on how this works.

There is a link in the right sidebar under "Cubs of Yore Battle Royale". Click on that link to load a survey allowing you to vote on all four battles. Feel free to leave comments at the end of the survey as well. Most but not necessarily all comments will be published.

The battles will close sometime whenever. Results will be revealed later that day.

Now let's get the battles started.

JOSE CARDENAL REGION FINAL

#1 Keith Moreland vs. #7 Mark Derosa

• Moreland has destroyed his competition thus far making easy work of Brian McRae and Damon Berryhill.
• DeRosa has been a dark horse in the tournament, taking down higher seeds Frank Castillo and Rick Wilkins.

Keith Moreland Facts Review*

• Nicknamed "Zonk".
• Hails from Texas.
• Played with Cubs for 6 years.
• Acquired by the Cubs from the Phillies in December 1981 along with Dan Larsen and Dickie Noles for pitcher Mike Krukow and cash.
• Played C, 1B, 3B, LF and RF during his time in Chicago.
• Once hunted and killed a chupracabra.
• Led the Cubs in 1985 with 106 RBI.
• Inducted in the National College Baseball Hall of Fame.
• Regarding Keith, former teammate Gary Matthews once said, "I don't think I have ever seen a better hitter at the plate when the game is on the line than Keith Moreland."

Mark Derosa Fast Facts Review*

• Hails from Valhalla according to some Cubs fans.
• Played with the Cubs for 2 years.
• During those 2 years, Mark played 1B, 2B, 3B, SS, LF, RF and was also a part-time referee for Aramis Ramirez's cockfights.
  
• Mark was signed as a free agent in by the Cubs after having what at the time was a career year with Texas. He came to the Cubs in a head-scratching signing and left the Cubs in a head-scratching trade.
• In 2008, Mark was seventh in the NL with 8 sacrifice flys.
• According to his Baseball Reference similarity scores Mark is most similar to Mike Lamb.
• Married to hot model.

PETE LaCOCK REGION FINAL

#5 Turk Wendell vs. #2 Dwight Smith

• Turk used his quirky antics and persona to beat Kevin Tapani and Kyle Farnsworth thus far.
• Dwight Smith had no problems against Jim Bullinger or Doug Dascenzo because, "Aww shit....you know."

Turk Wendell Fast Facts Review*

• Hails from Massachusetts.
  
• Played with Cubs for 5 years.
• Insisted that the umpire roll the ball to the mound rather than simply throw it to him. If an umpire would ignorantly throw the ball to him, Wendell was known to let it go past him, or even to let it bounce off his chest, after which he would retrieve it from the ground.
• Wore a necklace made from the claws and teeth of various animals he had hunted and killed. He was the Ted Nugent of baseball.
• Was incredibly vocal about Barry Bonds and Sammy Sosa using steroids.
  
• Beaned Vlad Guerrero in a game once and afterward said, "If he doesn't like it, he can freakin' go back to the Dominican and find another line of work."

Dwight Smith Fast Facts Review*

• Hails from "Awww shit, you know."
• Played with the Cubs for 5 years.
• Batted .324 in 1989 and finished second to teammate Jerome Walton in NL Rookie of the year voting.
  
• Sang the National Anthem before Cubs games during his playing days.
  
• The Billy Dee Williams of baseball.

IVAN DeJESUS REGION FINAL

#5 Joe Borowski vs. #6 Glenallen Hill

• Borowski has profusely sweated his way past Derrick May and Rey Sanchez to make the regional finals.
• Glenallen Hill destroyed his previous two opponents with such ferocity that they have asked to not have their names mentioned any more.

Joe Borowski Fast Facts Review*

• Hails from your local Denny's.
  
• Played with Cubs for 5 years.
• At age 31 improbably came from nowhere to become a top arm in the Cubs bullpen.
• Converted 33 of 37 saves during epic 2003 season.
• With the Indians, Joe led the AL in 2007 with 45 saves despite posting a 5.07 ERA.

Glenallen Hill Fast Facts Review*

• Hails from the Land of Badass Motherfuckers.
• Played with the Cubs for 5 years.
• HE DON'T TAKE NO SHIT FROM NOBODY.
• Hit a HR onto a 5-story apartment complex outside Wrigley Field in 2001.
  
• Was named in the Mitchell Report. It remains his most famous mention in anything ever.
• Not very good on defense; nicknamed "The Juggler" for his defensive ineptitude. Just don't call him that to his face.

PAUL REUSCHEL REGION FINAL

#4 Mike Bielecki vs. #3 Steve Trout

• Bielecki has cruised to victory so far against Luis Salazar and Kevin Foster.
• Trout shutout Ronny Cedeno before outdueling Scott Sanderson with his down-to-earth good looks.

Mike Bielecki Fast Facts Review*

• Played with Cubs for 4 years.
• Shares a birthday with Wesley Snipes and Tim Couch.
• Pedro Guerrero of the Cardinals robbed Bielecki of the first Cubs no-hitter in 19 years with a home run. Mike was a scant 8 outs away from history.
• Won a career high 18 games as a Cub in 1989.
• Traded to the Braves with Damon Berryhill for Yorkis Perez and Turk Wendell.
• Known to hang in the same social circles as Tommy Buzanis.

Steve Trout Fast Facts Review*

• Hails from Detroit.
  
• Played with Cubs for 5 years.
• The last Cub to pitch back-to-back complete game shutouts, which were his last games with the Cubs.
  
• Helped the team reach the playoffs in the oft-heralded 1984 season.
• Was no stranger to the occasional burrito-eating contest.
• This.

Alright, now it's time to hit the polls. You can vote by going to this link, or by clicking on the "Go to Battle" link in the sidebar.

*As always, some of the "Fast Facts" may not be true.

CoY Battle Royale Results: Trout and Glenallen continue to obliterate everyone in their paths

The matches in the DeJesus and Reuschel regions have concluded and thus completing the second round of battles. Here are the latest results.

Joe Borowski defeats Rey Sanchez 19-9
How? How does Sweaty Joe keep winning?

Glenallen Hill defeats Les Lancaster 23-6
No matter I guess as Sweaty Joe will face the unstoppable force of Glenallen in the quarterfinals.

Mike Bielecki defeats Kevin Foster 19-9

Steve Trout defeats Scott Sanderson 24-5
Bielecki and Trout will duel in the quarterfinals.

Here were some comments for this round of battles:

• Joe Borowski because he was 'workmanlike'. Glenallen Hill because otherwise he'd kick my ass. Kevin Foster because I don't remember much about the other guy. Steve "Rainbow" Trout because he was a lefty like me.

• I bet you a dead Kevin Foster could pitch better than a "live" Kevin Gregg. Too soon?

• You gotta go with Sweaty Joe. And yes, I write jingles for a living. NOTE: Does not actually write jingles. Also, I'm going to vote for Sanderson because as a child I liked that fact that Sandberg, Sundberg, and Sanderson were all on the same team and looked vaguely similar. It was like they were separated at birth, but the abducting families felt bad enough about it that they gave them similar names.

• I'll take Rey Sanchez over Sweaty Joe any day. I'm still too frightened of Glenallen Hill to vote against him. Kevin Foster was probably one of, if not the best pitchers on the Cubs teams of his era. That fact alone should make present day Cub fans happy we have the likes of Fat Z, Ted Lilly, Ryan Dempster, Rich Harden, Randy Wells, and Sean Marshall.

• Steve Trout looks like the guys on To Catch a Predator who show up at the house with McDonald's, Smirnoff, and a 30-pack of condoms.

• Steroids or no, Glenallen's ridongulous homerun gets him my vote. Sorry Les, you would have leveled Sanchez or Borowski this round, but holy hell, Frankenstein *destroyed* that ball. ~Wolter

• Trout will swim upstream with all these fools!

Thanks again to all that took part and check back next week for the quarterfinals and semifinals

CoY Battle Royale: Round 2, DeJesus and Reuschel Regions

The Cubs of Yore Battle Royale rages on with more Round 2 action. Today we kick off matches in the Ivan DeJesus and Paul Reuschel regions.

You can catch all the past battle excitement here.

IVAN DeJESUS REGION, ROUND 2

#1 Rey Sanchez vs. #5 Joe Borowski

• Sanchez defeated Ricky Gutierrez 12-11 in the first round.
• Borowski defeated Derrick May in the first round.
• I have nothing more to say about these two.
  

#6 Glenallen Hill vs. #2 Les Lancaster

• Hill whooped Scott Servais' ass 19-4 in first round.
• Lancaster beat Dave Martinez in first round.
• Lancaster's win may be more from folks not knowing who Dave Martinez was.
  
• Glenallen Hill's afro also beat Scott Servais 13-10 in a side battle.
  

PAUL REUSCHEL REGION, ROUND 2

#8 Kevin Foster vs. #4 Mike Bielecki

• Foster upset #1 Corey Patterson 20-3 in first round.
• Bielecki beat Luis Salazar in first round.

#3 Steve Trout vs. #2 Scott Sanderson

• Trout shutout Ronny Cedeno 23-0 in first round.
• Sanderson beat Jacque Jones 20-3 in first round.
• Steve Trout's face will haunt your dreams.
  

Alright, now it's time to hit the polls. You can vote by going to this link, or by clicking on the "Go to Battle" link in the sidebar.

CoY Battle Royale Results: Zonk one step closer to world domination

The second round matches in the Cardenal and LaCock regions have concluded and here are the results.

Keith Moreland defeats Brian McRae 23-8

Mark DeRosa defeats the Legend of Rick Wilkins 17-14

The #1 seed Moreland and #7 DeRosa will battle it out in the Cardenal regional final.

Turk Wendell defeats Kyle Farnsworth 20-11

Dwight Smith defeats Doug Dascenzo 19-12

Turk and Dwight will duke it out in the LaCock regional final.

Here were some comments for this round of battles:

• I vote for McRae. He looks like Harold Reynolds a bit and was actually a good leadoff hitter.

• Moreland better win. He's the reason that I thought "E5" was used for every error on the field. I think I was 12 before I figured out "5" was third base.

• Gotta go with BMac. He was my favorite bland player of the 90s. Turk over Farnsworth if only because WGN was a hand away from showing Turk's turk on national TV. DeRosa over Wilkens because I don't believe Wilkins ever really existed. He's like a unicorn or a gay Republican: I just don't believe they're real. Dwight Smith because "Aww shit . . .you know" is the answer to life's greatest mystery. Why are we here? Right on, Dwight. Right on.

• Anyone who doesn't vote for Turk is a damn Communist.

Luckily for that last commenter, democracy won.

Thanks again to all that took part and check back soon for the next batch of second round battles.

CoY Battle Royale: Round 2, Cardenal and LaCock Regions

After another lengthy hiatus the Cubs of Yore Battle Royale is back in action, bringing you the Round 2 matches for the Jose Cardenal and Pete LaCock regions.

You can catch all the previous first round excitement here.

JOSE CARDENAL REGION, ROUND 2

#1 Keith Moreland vs. #4 Brian McRae

• Moreland defeated Damon Berryhill 23-7 in the first round.
• McRae defeated Bob Scanlan 18-12 in the first round.
• Yes I know that is his father Hal, not Brian on the card. Hal's cards are cooler.

#3 Rick Wilkins vs. #7 Mark DeRosa

• Wilkins defeated Steve Buechele 17-13 in first round.
• DeRosa upset #2 Frank Castillo 19-11 in first round.
• Rick Wilkins pictured in one of the only known photos of him.
  
• Mark DeRosa is pictured in his Indians uniform. He's gone folks, get over it.

PETE LaCOCK REGION, ROUND 2
#1 Kyle Farnsworth vs. #5 Turk Wendell

• Farnsworth defeated Terry Adams 20-8 in first round.
• Wendell defeated Kevin Tapani 17-10 in first round.
• Neither Farnsworth or Wendell should ever be looked at directly in the eye.

#3 Doug Dascenzo vs. #2 Dwight Smith

• Dascenzo defeated Todd Walker 16-11 in first round.
• Smith defeated Jim Bullinger 23-4 in first round.
• Famous Dwight Smith quote: "Aww shit, you know."
• Famous Dascenzo quote: "This Gatorade is cold."

Alright, now it's time to hit the polls. You can vote by going to this link, or by clicking on the "Go to Battle" link in the sidebar.

CoY Battle Royale Results: Trout throws a shutout

And with the conclusion of the Paul Reuschel Region the first round of COYBR 2009 is in the books. Again we had 3 blowouts and one close battle. Steve Trout is the hero of the day with the first shutout in COYBR history.

Kevin Foster beats Corey Patterson, 20-3
Mike Bielecki beats Luis Salazar, 13-10
Steve Trout beats Ronny Cedeno, 23-0
Scott Sanderson beats Jacque Jones, 20-3

Thanks for everyone that participated. Here were some of the comments from this round of battles.

• Kevin Foster wins because he's dead. Jacque Jones wins because he's black...don't want him to feel that Chicago is racist...you know.

• I'm not voting for Luis Salazar and his massive, horse-like teeth. He swung at too many bases-loaded, 2-out, 3-2 fastballs over his head in 1992 for me to ever forgive him.

• I still hate Jock Jones.

• Kevin Foster-gosh, he wasn't very good, but he was one of my favorite Cubs of that era. Was that Steve Trout's website or GLAD's? Fuck Ronnie Cedeno. Am I a big loser for actually liking Jacque Jones? He played a pretty god center field for us and the wind generated by his bat helped provide electricity for my hometown. I miss you Super Jock.

• 2 was the only one I had to think about. My hatred of Patterson, Cedeno, and Jones is still fresh. Cedeno is remembered (by me) as being arguably the dumbest player to ever put on a Cubs uniform. And I suspect that's saying a lot.

• As a ballplayer in high school, Steve Trout's nickname was "One-Eyed Trouser". Ronnie Cedeno slept with Chad Cordero's dad*.

That's it for now. We'll begin the second round battles next week.

*This is obviously not true and is nothing more than a stupid joke. But alas, Mr. Cordero has no sense of humor and cannot take a joke nor can he simply find better things to do than get angry at middling blogs that hardly anyone reads anyway.

CoY Battle Royale: Round 1, Paul Reuschel Region

Welcome back to the the Cubs of Yore Battle Royale. Today we finally wrap up the first round battles with the Paul Reuschel Region.

Wait you mean Rick Reuschel right? Nope. I mean Paul.

This final region has quite the mix of old and new, ranging from guys that played on the '84 team to guys that played last season.

Here's how it works. I will outline each matchup, giving the readers a little background about each player. Once you've finished reading, you are then encouraged to vote for your favorite player to win the battle.

Assisting me with the "Fast Facts" for this region is fellow bartender Dave Thomas.

There is a link in the right sidebar under "Cubs of Yore Battle Royale". Click on that link to load a survey allowing you to vote on all four battles. Feel free to leave comments at the end of the survey as well.

The battles will close sometime whenever. Results will be revealed later that day.

Now let's get the battles started.

PAUL REUSCHEL REGION, ROUND 1

#1 Corey Patterson vs. #8 Kevin Foster

COREY PATTERSON FAST FACTS*

• Hails from Atlanta.
• Played with Cubs for 6 years.
• Selected as the third overall pick in the 1998 draft.
• Was named the single A top prospect in 1999 and the double A top prospect in 2000.
• Blew out his knee in spectacular fashion against the Cardinals in 2003.
• Known for regurgitating the phrase “It’s just a game” time and time again.
• Dusty’s favorite Patterson.
• Cub fans are still anticipating his "break-out" season.
  

KEVIN FOSTER FAST FACTS*

• Played with Cubs for 5 years.
• Traded to the Cubs for Shawn Boskie.
• Deceased.
• Played independent ball in the Northern League in 2003 and 2004.
• In 1995 led the NL in most home runs allowed with 32. Fellow Cub Steve Trachsel was second with 25.
  

---

#4 Mike Bielecki vs. #5 Luis Salazar

MIKE BIELECKI FAST FACTS*

• Played with Cubs for 4 years.
• Shares a birthday with Wesley Snipes and Tim Couch.
• Pedro Guerrero of the Cardinals robbed Bielecki of the first Cubs no-hitter in 19 years with a home run. Mike was a scant 8 outs away from history.
• Won a career high 18 games as a Cub in 1989.
• Traded to the Braves with Damon Berryhill for Yorkis Perez and Turk Wendell.
• Known to hang in the same social circles as Tommy Buzanis.
  

LUIS SALAZAR FAST FACTS*

• Hails from Venezuela.
  
• Played with Cubs for 4 years.
• Played every position in his career except catcher.
• Currently serves as the hitting coach for the Chattanooga Lookouts.
• Joined the Cubs in the final month of the 1989 season. Salazar hit .326 that September and helped the team win the NL East crown.
• Kept a large machete in his clubhouse locker.
  

---

#3 Steve Trout vs. #6 Ronny Cedeno

STEVE TROUT FAST FACTS*

• Hails from Detroit.
  
• Played with Cubs for 5 years.
• The last Cub to pitch back-to-back complete game shutouts, which were his last games with the Cubs.
  
• Helped the team reach the playoffs in the oft-heralded 1984 season.
• Was no stranger to the occasional burrito-eating contest.
• This.

RONNY CEDENO FAST FACTS*

• Hails from Venezuela.
• Played with the Cubs for 5 years.
• His hero is Jose Nieves.
• April 20th, 2007: Tagged out by David Eckstein after sliding past second base when Jacque Jones was walked. Cedeno commented with “must be new rules."
• Huge fan of mound conferences.
• Best remembered for nothing in particular.
  

---

#2 Scott Sanderson vs. #7 Jacque Jones

SCOTT SANDERSON FAST FACTS*

• Played with the Cubs for 6 years.
• One of his two home runs was a game winning grand slam at Wrigley. Granted, he was an Expo at the time.
• Became an agent after retiring from baseball and has represented Frank Thomas, Josh Beckett, and Lance Berkman.
• TMS Bartender Dave Thomas got drunk in his basement when he was in high school.
• Caused Harry Caray notable distress when he suited up with Ryne Sandberg and Jim Sundberg.

JACQUE JONES FAST FACTS*

• Hails from Southern California.
• Played with the Cubs for 2 miserable years.
• Began his career in Minnesota where he and teammate Matt Lawton represented 66% of the African American population. (cue When Doves Cry)
• Cheers - Tied his career best in home runs (27) his first year in Chicago.
• Jeers - Struck out 116 times his first year in Chicago.
• Claims to have signed with Chicago to play for Dusty Baker.
• Last played as a Cincinnati Red.... for Dusty Baker.
• Will swing at anything.

Alright, now it's time to hit the polls. You can vote by going to this link, or by clicking on the "Go to Battle" link in the sidebar.

*Some of the Fast Facts may not be true.

CoY Battle Royale Results: Glenallen PWNS

The first round battles in the Ivan DeJesus Region have concluded. In the end we had three blowouts and one that couldn't have been closer.

Rey Sanchez beats Ricky Gutierrez, 12-11
Joe Borowski beats Derrick May, 17-6
Glenallen Hill beats Scott Servais, 19-4
Les Lancaster beats Dave Martinez, 19-4

Thanks for everyone that participated. Here were some of the comments from this round of battles.

• Scott Servais vs. Glenallen Hill was tough. Servais couldn't hit for shit, but he was a pretty good backstop. How about that tandem of Servais and Joliet Jeff Reed? Good times. I had to go with Glenallen, because let's face it, I'm afraid of him. That homerun onto the apartment building was a glorious, steroid fueled monster. There's also a great YouTube clip of him getting a hit during an intentional walk. I'm too old and lazy to find it, so Google it you lazy bastards.
  

• Is there any way I can vote "no" on both Les Lancaster and Davey Martinez? Also, it breaks my heart to vote against Derrick May, but the Cubs don't make the playoffs in '03 without Sweaty Joe.
  

• It's a well know clubhouse secret that the players all used to call him "Long Dong" Borowski.

Up next, we wrap up the first round with the Paul Reuschel Region. Stay tuned.

CoY Battle Royale: Round 1, Ivan DeJesus Region

Welcome back to the first round of the Cubs of Yore Battle Royale. After an unintended hiatus this week at long last we continue with the Ivan DeJesus Region.

This region provides quite a few throwback players as all but a couple are pre-9/11 era.

Here's how it'll work. I will outline each matchup, giving the readers a little background about each player. Once you've finished reading, you are then encouraged to vote for your favorite player to win the battle.

Assisting me with the "Fast Facts" for this region is fellow bartender Lingering Bursitis.

There is a link in the right sidebar under "Cubs of Yore Battle Royale". Click on that link to load a survey allowing you to vote on all four battles. Feel free to leave comments at the end of the survey as well.

The battles will close sometime whenever. Results will be revealed later that day.

Now let's get the battles started.

IVAN DeJESUS REGION, ROUND 1

#1 Rey Sanchez vs. #8 Ricky Gutierrez

REY SANCHEZ FAST FACTS*

• Hails from Puerto Rico.
• Played with Cubs for 7 years.
• Has played for 1/3 of MLB teams.
• One of the great practitioners of the sacrifice bunt.
• THE definition of a bench player.
  
• Can play all the infield positions.
• Cannot play the banjo, despite years of lessons.

RICKY GUTIERREZ FAST FACTS*

• Hails from Florida.
  
• Played with Cubs for 2 years.
• Amazingly, improbably, miraculously, Ricky has a World Series ring (2004, Boston).
• Hit 38 home runs in 14 seasons in the majors. 21 of them came in the 2 seasons with the Cubs.
• Led MLB with 17 sacrifice hits in 2001.
• HAS A WORLD SERIES RING.
• Prefers to be called "Richard".
  

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#4 Derrick May vs. #5 Joe Borowski

DERRICK MAY FAST FACTS*

• Hails from Rochester, NY.
  
• Played with Cubs for 5 years.
• Son of Dave May, and definitely not the first guy in history to get a sweet job because of his daddy.
• Career .271 hitter.
  
• Enjoyed his best career year in 1993 with the Cubs (thank g-d): .295, 10 HR, 77 RBI, 25 2B, 10 SB (all career highs).
  
• Picked 9th overall by the Cubs in the 1986 draft. I was going to make a snarky comment and mention someone better taken later that round but the "best" guy taken after him was Lee fucking Stevens. Jesus, Jeff King was a #1 overall pick?
  

JOE BOROWSKI FAST FACTS*

• Hails from your local Denny's.
  
• Played with Cubs for 5 years.
• At age 31 improbably came from nowhere to become a top arm in the Cubs bullpen.
• Converted 33 of 37 saves during epic 2003 season.
• With the Indians, Joe led the AL in 2007 with 45 saves despite posting a 5.07 ERA.
  

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#3 Scott Servais vs. #6 Glenallen Hill

SCOTT SERVAIS FAST FACTS*

• Hails from LaCrosse, WI, the birthplace of Old Style Beer.
  
• Played with Cubs for 4 years.
• Traded to the Cubs along with Luis Gonzalez from Houston for the mythical beast Rick Wilkins.
  
• Batted .256 during his time with Chicago.
• In 1996 he was hit by a pitch 14 times, 5th highest in the NL that year.
  
• His nickname is Scott "Full" Servais because of his fondness for giving backrubs to his SPs after the game. This in addition to calling pitches and keeping them focused on their job.
• Was back-up catcher on the US Olympic Team in 1988 that won a gold medal.

GLENALLEN HILL FAST FACTS*

• Hails from the Land of Badass Motherfuckers.
• Played with the Cubs for 5 years.
• HE DON'T TAKE NO SHIT FROM NOBODY.
• Hit a HR onto a 5-story apartment complex outside Wrigley Field in 2001.
  
• Was named in the Mitchell Report. It remains his most famous mention in anything ever.
• Not very good on defense; nicknamed "The Juggler" for his defensive ineptitude. Just don't call him that to his face.
  

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#2 Les Lancaster vs. #7 Dave Martinez

LES LANCASTER FAST FACTS*

• Hails from Texas.
• Played with the Cubs for 5 years.
• 1.36 ERA in 1989, and won Game 2 of the NLCS against the SF Giants.
  
• Greatest MLB pitcher ever named Les.
  
• Current manager of the Sioux City Explorers.
  

DAVE MARTINEZ FAST FACTS*

• Hails from the New York.
• Played with the Cubs for 4 non-consecutive years.
• One of a precious few MLB players to have played for FOUR MLB teams in one season (Devil Rays, Cubs, Rangers, Blue Jays in 2000).
• Current bench coach for the Tampa Bay Rays.
• Was traded to the Expos, helping to usher in the vastly underrated "Mitch Webster Era" in Chicago.
  

Alright, now it's time to hit the polls. You can vote by going to this link, or by clicking on the "Go to Battle" link in the sidebar.

*Some of the Fast Facts may not be true.

Bartender Banter

Thank Jebus for the Bulls and Blackhawks, otherwise we may have had to actually write about the Cubs.

Watching them has been pretty miserable lately, but it's still only been a month. There's a lot of season to go. It's ok to be frustrated or angry with the Cubs right now. But to be panicking already is utterly ridiculous. It's the equivalent of panicking over the Bears season after only two games, and sadly I think some of you do that as well.

Thunder Matt Murton batted 2nd and went 2-4 last night for the Rockies.

The first round of the Pete LaCock Region of the CoY Battle Royale wrapped up yesterday morning. Here are the final results.

Kyle Farnsworth beats Terry Adams, 20-8

Turk Wendell beats Kevin Tapani, 17-10

Doug Dascenzo beats Todd Walker, 16-11

Dwight Smith beats Jim Bullinger, 23-4

Here were some of the responses folks left for this round of battles:

• My favorite Turk Wendell moment: Turk is warming up in the bullpen and the camera cuts to him. He's not only scratching his crotch, he's got his whole hand shoved into his pants, which are undone and he's really going to town down there. Chip and Steve are at a complete loss for words and the horrifying image remains on screen for a good 45 seconds before some tech wisely decides to cut away. Awesome.
• Money's on Turk or TMS bud Dwight Smith this round...
• I always thought Todd Walker got a bum rap from Dusty. He was a butcher in the field, but the man could hit.
• Lil' Doug!!!!!

Thanks to all that have participated and check back Monday as the first round in the Ivan DeJesus Region begins.

So, has anyone paid attention the TMS Jukebox Featured Songs at all? We've been putting up a new song each day during the week for a while now. We encourage you to check them out if you get a chance.

Today's song is "Broke Down" by Radio Moscow. This is an up and coming band from Iowa that plays some heavy psychedelic blues rock. If you dig the Black Keys or Wolfmother I highly recommend you check them out. "Broke Down" is off their most recent album entitled "Brain Cycles."

That's all for now. Rockies in 6!

CoY Battle Royale: Round 1, Pete LaCock Region

Welcome to the first round of the Cubs of Yore Battle Royale. We've finished first round matches in the Jose Cardenal Region. Today we move on to the Pete LaCock Region and another set of 4 first round battles.

A controversial #1 seed, Kyle Farnsworth faces Terry Adams. There's no love lost for Farnsworth with a lot of Cubs fans. But is Terry Adams the man to beat him?

Turk Wendell will have his work cut out for him against Kevin Tapani, and Doug Dascenzo will be scrapping against Todd Walker.

Here's how it'll work. I will outline each matchup, giving the readers a little background about each player. Once you've finished reading, you are then encouraged to vote for your favorite player to win the battle.

There is a link in the right sidebar under "Cubs of Yore Battle Royale". Click on that link to load a survey allowing you to vote on all four battles. Feel free to leave comments at the end of the survey as well.

The battles will close sometime on Friday morning. Results will be revealed later that day.

Now let's get the battles started.

PETE LaCOCK REGION, ROUND 1

#1 Kyle Farnsworth vs. #8 Terry Adams

KYLE FARNSWORTH FAST FACTS*

• Hails from Georgia.
• Played with Cubs for 6 years.
• Drafted by Chicago in the 47th round.
• Has successfully body slammed Paul Wilson and Jeremy Affeldt on the field.
• Was primarily a starting pitcher his rookie season and recorded his one and only complete game shutout.
  
• Major street in Aurora, Illinois named for him.
  

TERRY ADAMS FAST FACTS*

• Hails from Alabama.
  
• Played with Cubs for 5 years.
• Saved 37 games for the Cubs, not in one season but for his career with them.
• Not as popular as this Terry Adams.
  

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#4 Kevin Tapani vs. #5 Turk Wendell

KEVIN TAPANI FAST FACTS*

• Hails from Michigan.
  
• Played with Cubs for 5 years, posting a 51-50 record during that time.
• Went 19-9 in 1998 as the Cubs ace in the rotation. Yes, I said "ace."
  
• Once traded from the Twins to the Dodgers for Ron Coomer among others. Later the two would be teammates on the Cubs.
  
• Member of the Central Michigan University Athletic Hall of Fame.
  
• Knows all the words to Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire" by heart.
  

TURK WENDELL FAST FACTS*

• Hails from Massachusetts.
  
• Played with Cubs for 5 years.
• Insisted that the umpire roll the ball to the mound rather than simply throw it to him. If an umpire would ignorantly throw the ball to him, Wendell was known to let it go past him, or even to let it bounce off his chest, after which he would retrieve it from the ground.
• Wore a necklace made from the claws and teeth of various animals he had hunted and killed. He was the Ted Nugent of baseball.
• Was incredibly vocal about Barry Bonds and Sammy Sosa using steroids.
  
• Beaned Vlad Guerrero in a game once and afterward said, "If he doesn't like it, he can freakin' go back to the Dominican and find another line of work."

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#3 Doug Dascenzo vs. #6 Todd Walker

DOUG DASCENZO FAST FACTS*

• Hails from Western Pennsylvania.
  
• Played with Cubs for 5 years.
• At 5' 8", pioneered the "small scrappy fan favorite" niche on the Cubs that everyone seems to love. Mike Fontenot, Ryan Theriot and Sam Fuld owe him a debt of gratitude.
• Has a career ERA of 0.00 in 5 innings pitched with 2 strikeouts and 2 walks. Certainly much better than the 5 innings Neal Cotts has thrown so far this season.
• Once played in 241 consecutive games without committing an error, a NL record at the time.
  

TODD WALKER FAST FACTS*

• Born in Bakersfield, California.
• Played with the Cubs for 3 years.
• A victim of "Dustyball", Todd was forced to platoon at 2B with Neifi Perez.
• Played college ball at LSU.
  
• Holds clubhouse record for chugging a half gallon of whole milk in under 4 minutes.
• Traded to the Padres in 2006 for some young pitching prospect named Jose Ceda. I wonder if that kid will be any good for us? Oh wait, we have Kevin Gregg now.
  

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#2 Dwight Smith vs. #7 Jim Bullinger

DWIGHT SMITH FAST FACTS*

• Hails from "Awww shit, you know."
• Played with the Cubs for 5 years.
• Batted .324 in 1989 and finished second to teammate Jerome Walton in NL Rookie of the year voting.
  
• Sang the National Anthem before Cubs games during his playing days.
  
• The Billy Dee Williams of baseball.
  

JIM BULLINGER FAST FACTS*

• Hails from the Big Easy.
• Played with the Cubs for 5 years.
• Originally played shortstop but was converted to a pitcher while in the Cubs farm system.
  
• Once beaned Andre Dawson and Quilvio Veras in the same inning.
• After finally retiring from baseball, Jim donated his ears to Carlos Marmol.
  

Alright, now it's time to hit the polls. You can vote by going to this link, or by clicking on the "Go to Battle" link in the sidebar.

*Some of the Fast Facts may not be true.

CoY Battle Royale Results

The first round matches in the Jose Cardenal Region is over and here are the results.

Number of respondents to the battle: 30

Keith Moreland defeats Damon Berryhill, 23-7

Brian McRae defeats Bob Scanlan, 18-12

Rick Wilkins defeats Steve Buechele, 17-13

Mark DeRosa defeats Frank Castillo, 19-11

Thanks to everyone that participated in this round of battles. The next batch of first round battles will be from the Pete LaCock Region. Check back later today to take part.

Awesome Keith Moreland artwork from www.Cubby-Blue.com

Cubs of Yore Battle Royale: Round 1

Welcome to the first round of the Cubs of Yore Battle Royale. Today we kick the tournament off with 4 matches out of the Jose Cardenal Region. There's sure to be some good battles here as top-seeded Keith Moreland comes in with high expectations. Vegas currently has Moreland a 7/2 favorite to win it all.

Another battle of note is #2 seed Frank Castillo battling recent ex-Cub Mark DeRosa. Will fan favoritism from last season push the #7 DeRosa to the upset? We'll see.

Here's how it'll work. I will outline each matchup, giving the readers a little background about each player. Once you've finished reading, you are then encouraged to vote for your favorite player to win the battle.

There is a link in the right sidebar under "Cubs of Yore Battle Royale". Click on that link to load a survey allowing you to vote on all four battles. Feel free to leave comments at the end of the survey as well.

The battles will close at 12:01 AM Central on Wednesday. Results will be revealed later that day.

Now let's get the battles started.

JOSE CARDENAL REGION, ROUND 1

#1 Keith Moreland vs. #8 Damon Berryhill

KEITH MORELAND FAST FACTS*

• Nicknamed "Zonk".
• Hails from Texas.
• Played with Cubs for 6 years.
• Acquired by the Cubs from the Phillies in December 1981 along with Dan Larsen and Dickie Noles for pitcher Mike Krukow and cash.
• Played C, 1B, 3B, LF and RF during his time in Chicago.
• Once hunted and killed a chupracabra.
• Led the Cubs in 1985 with 106 RBI.
• Inducted in the National College Baseball Hall of Fame.
• Regarding Keith, former teammate Gary Matthews once said, "I don't think I have ever seen a better hitter at the plate when the game is on the line than Keith Moreland."

DAMON BERRYHILL FAST FACTS*

• Hails from Southern California.
  
• Played with Cubs for 5 years.
• Drafted by the Cubs in 1984 with the 4th overall pick.
• Traded to the Braves in 1991 with Mike Bielecki for Yorkis Perez and Turk Wendell.
• In 1989 was the main player of a scrappy young trio of Cubs catchers including Joe Girardi and Rick Wrona.
• Has seen every episode of "Moonlighting."
• Took over the starting catching job from Jody Davis in 1988. Davis held the job since 1982 when he took it from none other than Keith Moreland.
  

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#4 Brian McRae vs. #5 Bob Scanlan

BRIAN McRAE FAST FACTS*

• Hails from Florida.
  
• Son of All-Star DH Hal McRae.
• Played with Cubs for 3 years.
• Acquired from the Royals for Geno Morones and Derek Wallace. Wallace threw in 33 career major league innings. Morones never even got a cup of coffee.
• Known for his speed, McRae led the '96 Cubs in stolen bases with 37. In '95 he stole 27, which was second best on the team behind Skinny Sammy Sosa.
• Was born with a full five o'clock shadow.
• Took pain killers while playing in New York, more than likely to deaden the feeling of playing for a worse franchise at the time than the Cubs.

BOB SCANLAN FAST FACTS*

• Hails from Southern California.
  
• Played with Cubs for 3 years.
• Saved 14 games in 1992, the most by anyone on the team that year.
• Came to the Cubs along with Chuck McElroy in a deal that dumped Mitch Williams to the Phillies in an effort to later crush the souls and spirits of their fans.
• 2-time state arm wrestling champ.
• Bob hates batters that swing too hard.
  

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#3 Rick Wilkins vs. #6 Steve Buechele

RICK WILKINS FAST FACTS*

• Whereabouts unknown.
• Rick Wilkins may not so much be a real person as a myth. A strange being that appeared in 1993 and hit .303 with 30 home runs. When the baseball strike hit, the creature that called himself Rick became disheartened with the game and returned to his mythical homeland. In an effort to make fans believe Rick was still around, the Cubs brought in a lookalike in 1994. But after batting .227, the astute fan deemed this replacement a mere charlatan. Before the truth was found out, the Cubs managed to trade the Fake Rick Wilkins to Houston for Luis Gonzalez and Scott Servais.

STEVE BUECHELE FAST FACTS*

• Hails from Southern California, where 86% of all American-born ballplayers originate.
• Played with the Cubs for 4 years.
• The Buechele Era was the longest tenure for a starting Cubs 3B throughout the 1990s.
• 3-time All-"Big League Hair" selection.
• Was the Cubs' bounty when they mercifully rid themselves of Danny Jackson.
• A rainout game attended by Chaim, Brant, and myself has been officially dubbed "Hurricane Steve Buechele." Here is a brief account of the game from Retrosheet:

5/11/2003: The Cardinals were at Wrigley Field and a 23-MPH wind was blowing out to right field. In the bottom of the first, Moises Alou of the Cubs hit a 2-run homer off Brett Tomko to centerfield. In the top of the second, Albert Pujols hit a grand slam to leftfield off Matt Clement. Corey Patterson led off the bottom of the second with a homer to rightfield. In the top of the third, Tino Martinez hit a solo homer to leftfield. Troy O'Leary hit a 2-run homer to leftfield in the bottom of the third. In the top of the fourth, Martinez homered for the second time in the game. This time it went to rightfield and scored 3 runs. In the bottom half of the fourth, Alex Gonzalez hit a 2-run homer to leftfield. He was the last batter faced by Tomko. The game was rained out in the top of the fifth inning. The final count in this day's barrage: seven home runs and a score of 11-9 St. Louis ahead all lost to the weather.

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#2 Frank Castillo vs. #7 Mark DeRosa

FRANK CASTILLO FAST FACTS*

• Hails from Texas, where 12% of all American-born ballplayers originate.
• Played with the Cubs for 7 years.
• Led the league in losses with 16 in 1996.
• Threw a couple complete game shutouts one season.
• Nearly had a no-hitter in 1995. Top of the 9th with 2 outs, Bernard Gilkey hit a pop fly that Sammy Sosa nearly caught on a diving attempt. The ball would roll to the wall giving Gilkey a triple. Afterwards Sosa was heard mumbling about finding some special "enhancers" to help him make the catch next time.
• Is actually still playing baseball. Last season Frank pitched for the York Revolution of the independent Atlantic League.

MARK DEROSA FAST FACTS*

• Hails from Valhalla according to some Cubs fans.
• Played with the Cubs for 2 years.
• During those 2 years, Mark played 1B, 2B, 3B, SS, LF, RF and was also a part-time referee for Aramis Ramirez's cockfights.
  
• Mark was signed as a free agent in by the Cubs after having what at the time was a career year with Texas. He came to the Cubs in a head-scratching signing and left the Cubs in a head-scratching trade.
• In 2008, Mark was seventh in the NL with 8 sacrifice flys.
• According to his Baseball Reference similarity scores Mark is most similar to Mike Lamb.
• Married to hot model.
  

Alright, now it's time to hit the polls. You can vote by going to this link, or by clicking on the "Go to Battle" link in the sidebar.

*Some of the Fast Facts may not be true. TMS disclaims any accuracy of the facts mentioned.

Cubs of Yore Battle Royale

Everyone loves a good bracket, especially blog readers. It seems like there have been tons of different faux-tourneys done, whether it be to see who's the hottest chick, to who's the biggest douchebag. So I figured it was time TMS beat this idea even further to death with the "Cubs of Yore Battle Royale." A field of 32 former Cubs battling it out for the top crown*.

But there's one catch.

In an effort to prevent the obvious candidates like Ernie Banks and Ryne Sandberg from making the finals I've decided to make it more interesting. Instead of having all the Cubs legends battle it out, we're featuring the unsung heroes. The guys that never earned any accolades in their playing career. The guys that when their name comes up in conversation never have the words "All-Star" or "Hall of Famer" been mentioned, but rather words like "scrappy", "cult following", "workhorse" and "innings-eater" instead. The guys that probably weren't as good, or as crappy as you remember them.

So the field of 32 was mainly picked based on some loose criteria rules I came up with.

• The player had to be a main starter for the Cubs in at least one season since 1984.
  
• The player cannot have won any real accolades of note, including ASG appearances.
• The player cannot be on the current Cubs roster.

The first round will begin on Monday and the whole battle will go through the month of May. I'll have polls posted for each battle, probably in the sidebar for a couple days.

Now for some FAQ.

Q: I can't believe you didn't include ________________! What the hell?
A: Calm down. I can't include every damn player, so some were left out. If this thing is successful I have a plan to maybe make this an annual thing where we change up the players a bit each time.

Q: This seems a bit obvious, but why no Thunder Matt?
A: For all intents and purposes, Thunder Matt Murton would qualify for this under my loose criteria. However there's just too much conflict of interest to have him here.

Q: This sounds great. Will you just show us the damn bracket already?
A: Yeah, here it is. Check back on Monday.

Click to enlarge, like my pe-, eh that joke is worn out....like your mom last night, natch!

*I'm not sure what exactly said "crown" could be.