Cubs of Yore: Double Dipping to the Finals

Hi-ya, sportsfans! You haven't forgotten about the Cubs of Yore Battle Royale, have you? We're down to two finalists: Glenallen Hill and Keith Moreland. Oh the suspense is terrible, I hope it will last! It's Friday, so if you're even at work, now would be a good time to crack open a slightly chilled bottle of Grain Belt beer and switch your office phone to "away". Read through this a few times and then wonder why they call them roofies and not "floories" or "rape-ees". If your boss questions you, simply tell him or her, "Um, I'm kind of busy here."

I'm sure Chip Wesley will put up one of his bright and shiny web polls so you can cast your vote. THIS TIME IT COUNTS.

GLENALLEN HILL

Nickname: The Angry Black Man, G-Hill

Played for The Cub: '93-'94, '98-'00

Random Write-up: Let's face it, The Angry Black Man was fun to watch. He never smiled. He'd only swing a bat with his arms. He said he never lifted weights because he would get too big -- he only did situps and jumped rope with a weighted rope. Rumors that his "jump ropes" were actually tugboat cables have never been proven. (It also has never been disproven). The guy wasn't exactly known for his defense out in left. It was once said by Mariner pitching coach Bryan Price that seeing him play the field was “akin to watching a gaffed haddock surface for air." Mysteriously, Bryan Price was never heard from again, and along with the Lindbergh Baby, his disappearance remains one of the great unsolved mysteries. The Angry Black Man giveth, and he taketh away.

Drafted by the Blue Jays in the 9th round of the 1983 Draft, G-Hill was always known for his prodigious home runs. In 1999, he was reluctantly wearing blue shoes after MLB told him that he could not continue wearing his favorite red shoes. Angrier than normal, he took his typical arms-only swing, and became the first ever person to put a shot on the rooftops across the street from Wrigley. In typical fashion, his expression never changed, and he circled the bases with his head down and his arthritic knees hobbling along. Truly a shot that has made grown men weep. Yeah, you know you want to see it again.

What the hell?: Once missed a game for a mess of cuts and bruises suffered during a nightmare. The Big G is reportedly TERRIFIED of spiders (arachnophobia). Consequently, he had a nightmare about spiders, freaked out, and ran around like only The Angry Black Man can. While most people's careers or lives would have ended, Angry took a trip on the 15-day DL. No one had the guts to make fun of him, natch. Reportedly broke his bat on a check swing despite no contact of the ball. He was also arguing balls and strikes with an ump one time (he choose not to rip his spinal column out) and the ump told the pitcher to throw anyway. G stepped back in at the last second and inside-outted a double to right.

Also of Note: Career (estimated) earnings of $11,245,000 -- he is currently a coach for the Colorado Rockies. Was originally traded to The Cub for Candy "Ass" Maldonado.

KEITH MORELAND

Nickname: Zonk

Played for The Cub: 1982 - 1987

Random Write-up: Keith patrolling the outfield or third base wasn't exactly poetry in motion. In fact, his awkwardness and unusually slow speed lead me to believe he was actually fat. After looking back at some pictures, I realized I was wrong. I guess that's one of those things you just associate when you're but a little kid, seeing Moreland bumbling around the field or the basepaths. You can't knock him for effort, though. The guy played when and where he was asked, whether it be catcher, third, or left field. Probably the lasting impression many have of him is his love for Texas. He went to The University of Texas and always saluted the Bleacher Bums with the hook-'em-horns gesture. I also vaguely remember him hitting a homerun and trying to do a cartwheel after he crossed home. It looked like someone threw a sack of potatoes off the back of a work truck. Real graceful.

What the Hell?: He won a World Series ring with his original team, the Phillies. He was one of the many that Dallas Green brought over during the rebuilding phase of the early 80's which was actually somewhat successful. He was traded to the Cub for Mike Krukow and cash. In 1985, he hit .307 and had 106 RBI.

Also of Note: Career (estimated) earnings of $5.4 million. Not bad for a klutz, eh? Currently is involved in UT baseball, announcing games from the booth. Rumored to be doing some work for ESPNU. Also played football at UT, which probably explains the lumbering. I'm guessing fullback or blocking tight end. As many of you know, this year Keith has been filling in for Santo on radio broadcasts, and has proven to be a great color man. He actually gives the listeners game analysis instead of the "Oh yes!" and "Dang it!" and "Jeez!" that we've been accustomed to.