The Official Catchup Cubs Post

In all the excitement over the last week, with the Cubs sweeping both the Pirates and Nationals, I totally didn't write anything. And neither did anyone else. So if you're one of the...two people that loves The Gist, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you had to go elsewhere to get the latest and greatest Cubs news. Welcome back.

To get everyone caught up to speed, here's a bunch of random thoughts that have to do with both the Cubs and whatever comes to mind over the next 20 minutes that I'm giving myself to grind this out.

Welcome To Sweeps Week: Man, the Cubs were amazing all of last week. And they definitively answered the question of whether they could beat the best teams in the NL. The Cubs did what they do all week: timely hitting, great pitching and a little bit of luck. Maybe if the wind wasn't blowing out on Friday, helping the Cubs smack 4 homers off Max Scherzer, they don't take that game. Maybe if Bryce Harper makes the catch in right field on Saturday the Cubs don't win that game. Maybe if Strasburg pitches against the Cubs once during their series, the Nationals could have taken one.

But none of that happened. And the Cubs beat up on the Nationals, with Javier Baez's 312th inning homer in the early evening of Mother's Day serving as the exclamation point for the week.

How Much Do We Hate The Padres?: After the Cubs smacked around the Padres on Tuesday night, they racked up 25% of their total losses for the year in a single day, getting swept by San Diego in a day/night doubleheader. The Cubs could have easily wound up winning either of those games, with the Padres not taking the lead until human impostor Brett Wallace (more on that in a minute) hitting a 3 run homer late in the early game to take the lead, and then John Lackey only making one mistake in a 1-0 heartbreaker for the Cubs during the nightcap. But that's how luck swings sometimes.

Don't Panic: The Cubs are still great even after losing 2 out of 3 to the Padres. Put it this way: if last Monday I would have told you that the Cubs would take 2 of 3 from the Pirates and 3 of 4 from the Nationals and then sweep the Padres in Chicago, you would have been ecstatic! Well guess what? The Cubs still went 8-2 over those same 10 games, so it all evens out in the end.

But Back To Brett Wallace: Brett Wallace is an alien walking around in human skin. You cannot convince me otherwise. Look at how absolutely wrong his face is:

HURR I'M A REAL HUMON

Remember in the first Men In Black movie where the alien crashes into the Earth and climbs inside of a human being, but looks all weird because they don't know how to be a human being? That's what Brett Wallace is, only the Padres are so bad at baseball that he somehow is one of the best 8 hitters on the team. It's gross, and really this won't stand in Trump's America.

And it's not just his face! I had the pleasure of being at the Cubs game on Tuesday night and took a picture of how weird Wallace's body is. Look at this shape and tell me that it's human and I will call you a goddamn liar:

LOOK HOW WEIRD HIS BODY IS!

Those are the legs of someone that would be 6'4 and the upper body of a man put together from flesh colored Play-Doh that was probably supposed to be 4 feet tall. After Wallace hit his home run in game 1 of the doubleheader, the Padres stuck him in front of a TV with a tube of cookie dough and turned on Doc McStuffins. He sat there for 12 hours.

Here Are Some Other People That Think The Cubs Are Great: As predicted, there has been a crap ton of ink written (typed?) about the Cubs so far, and with good reason - they are really good. At Sports Illustrated, Charlie Pierce wrote a great piece about the Cubs. Fangraphs LOVES the Cubs. They also love Kris Bryant's new and improved swing. Oh, and Hector Rondon could be the best closer in baseball right now (read this one, because it's awesome and has tons of info about next level pitching stats).

Enough With The Braun Rumors: I don't know where it started, but the Cubs are not going to trade for Ryan Braun. And for all the Cubs fans boo-hooing such a move, are you nuts? Even at what, 32(?) years old, Braun is still one of the better hitters in the league. I mean, 10 times out of 10, I would rather the Cubs trade for another pitcher for the stretch run, but Braun is great and even if he's a douchebag, he could help the Cubs win. We already have Lackey and remember when we traded for Jim Edmonds? Good players are good players.

But this particular move is not happening, so stop talking about it.

That's all I got. Take us home, Chong Li!

"YOU ARE NEXT" (brought to you by TMS Correspondent Chong Li):

ARRRRRRGGHHHH!!!! The Pirates come into town starting tomorrow at 1:20 CST with Jason 'First Half' Hammel against Francisco 'Fist Half' Liriano. Let's murder them on the field all weekend.