The TMS Guide to Quitting Smoking

So you've decided that 2010 is the year to quit smoking? Good for you. But now, 2 1/2 weeks into the year, it seems like nicotine addiction is an uphill battle that you just can't win. Never fear, the TMS Guide to Quitting Smoking is here to help you beat your perfectly understandable cravings for the irreplaceable chemical known as nicotine.

Believe in yourself. Even though you've never done a damn thing with your life, you're probably more than capable of giving up one of the most addictive substances known to man.

Find a reason to quit. The so-called "experts" will provide you with many reasons to quit smoking. The commonly cited reasons include: improving one's health, not harming family & friends with second-hand smoke, saving money, cheaper health insurance premiums, etc. But really, unless you can make it about spite, you won't succeed. So be honest with yourself and take stock of your life. Who hates you? Who wants to see you fail? Who do you dislike so much that you'd give up tobacco in all it's glorious forms? If you have enough hate in your soul, you can accomplish anything.

Don't tell anyone you're quitting. I know all the "professional" advice tells you the exact opposite, but for your own good, DON'T TELL ANYONE. If you succeed in quitting, the next time somebody makes a disparaging remark about how you're nothing but a weak-willed smoker, you can throw the fact that you quit months ago in their face and completely blindside them; thus negating their argument entirely & making them look like an asshole! On the other hand, if you tell everyone that you quit and you end up failing, you'll be labeled a creepy loser that can't be trusted. You'll find yourself lumped in with that weird bald Wiccan chick your sister hangs out with who keeps insisting she was gang-raped in college. And nobody wants to be associated with that.

Get on a nicotine replacement therapy system. I recommend the patch. Not only is the patch cheaper than smoking, it asks the least of you. You don't have to chew it, swallow it, smoke it, or inhale it. In fact, the booklet that comes with the patch stresses that you shouldn't do any of those things to the patch. If possible, get the clear patches. That way you can watch the itchy red rash develop on your skin as you gradually wean yourself off of nicotine. BONUS: One of the side-effects of the patch is that the constant stream of nicotine entering your bloodstream will make you have insanely vivid dreams, sometimes about titties! Not only is the patch cheaper than cigarettes, it's cheaper than a strip club and the tits are just as real.

Save all the money you would have spent on cigarettes and buy yourself something nice. I recommend hookers and firearms.


Celebrate milestones. After every week without a cigarette, shoot off that fancy new gun of yours. After every month without cigarettes, get yourself a hooker. After an entire year without cigarettes, shoot a hooker.






Learn to stop romanticizing cigarettes. Even though all your favorite actors, musicians, authors and counterculture icons smoke cigarettes, keep in mind that you're a complete nobody who has already pissed away the best years of your life. That novel didn't get written when you smoked 2 packs a day and it isn't going to get written now that you've quit smoking. It's ok to give up on all your dreams. Besides, when you smoked, your complete lack of style & accomplishments actually made impressionable children less likely to start smoking in the first place.

If you ever reach the point where you'd be willing to sacrifice a limb in exchange for just one puff on a cigarette, don't search online for articles on how to get through the craving. It's nothing but a bunch of bullshit written by assholes who have never smoked but think it's within their power to suggest you join a support group, share your innermost feelings, keep a journal and generally become a bigger pussy than you already are. Take out your aggression on a small child or animal. If they aren't available, punch a pillow or mattress.

Understand that your smoker friends are plotting against you. They want you to keep smoking so they'll never have to reflect upon their own pathetic lives. To combat this, make a list of all the negative traits that your smoker friends possess before you quit so you'll be ready to throw it back in their faces!


If you're one of those people who constantly needs to be doing something with their hands, examine why you need to express yourself that way. Are you Italian? Are you deaf? If you aren't either of those things, then quit it. You look ridiculous.


Don't drink for awhile. As you're well aware, smoking & drinking are a glorious combination that make life worth living. If you try to drink too soon after you quit smoking, you'll only remind yourself that a hollow, bland existence awaits you and that you'll never experience true happiness again.

Leave "Cold Turkey" to the junkies. Quitting cigarettes cold turkey is much harder than quitting heroin anyway. Do junkies shoot up after every meal? Do they shoot up 3 times in their car on their way to work and twice on their lunch breaks? Hell no they don't. Fuck 'em. Don't be a hero. Get on the patch, dream of titties, and settle in to your boring new life as a non-smoker.