Destined to Fail: Coach McGwire

Word on the street (aka. the sexy, swinging offices of ESPN) is that Tony LaRussa will indeed return as the manager of the St. Louis Cardinals in 2010. The catch? Hal McRae, Cardinals hitting coach, has been fired. Replacing him? None other than Mr. Andro himself, Mark McGwire. I mean, when a team wants to hire a hitting coach, they naturally want someone who 1) was a one-dimensional hitter with a .263 career batting average; 2) who had only 30 more career hits than strikeouts, and; 3) who has lived the greater part of the last decade in relative seclusion, away from the game and the rigors of the road. In an incredible stroke of luck, McGwire just so happens to fit all three criteria.

McGwire quotes that will be heard on the first day of Spring Training:

• "Have I watched video of your swing? No. I'm not here to talk about the past".
• "What you want to do here is take a tablespoon of this and put it in your water bottle. Trust me".
• "Singles and doubles? No, we're not going to do that".
• "Jab this in your butt. If you're queasy, we re-signed Khalil Greene to take care of it for you".
• "Tony, I thought you said I could do this job from my super secret compound in Southern California".

Rudy Jaramillo v. Mark McGwire. Early advantage: Cubs