War Hero: Lime Juice

A few weeks ago, an old friend and I were tying one on at the pub after not having seen each other in over a year. Toward the end of the night, the poor bastard developed a standard drunken case of the hiccups. I chuckled at his misfortune, but he waved off my laughs and said he would fix the problem quickly. The typical cures went through my head; holding your breath, chugging water, masturbating to a Patton Oswalt stand-up routine on CD. Which way was he going to solve his dilemma? By the time I asked myself this question, he was at the bar ordering a shot. Naturally confused, I asked him what his liquor of choice was. "Not liquor, lime juice". He threw down his sour shot, and immediately his hiccups were gone.

Last weekend I was out late and, toward closing time, met the same fate as my friend. Remembering his cure, I made a beeline to the bar. The barkeep honored my request, and at no charge! I threw back the shot, and I will be damned if my hiccups didn't immediately vanish. I am now a firm believer in the lime juice.

Most purveyors of fine alcohol know that lime juice is a vital ingredient in a proper margarita. But aside from margaritas and cooking, I didn't know that lime juice was good for anything else until now. My curiosity piqued, I decided to check the vast Internets for other uses of lime juice. I was pleasantly surprised with the results:

• Lime juice prevents AIDS! According to an article in National Geographic, "...flushing the vagina or washing the penis with lemon or lime juice just after sex could significantly reduce new infections". I'll be sure to pack some on my next trip to Kinshasa!
• Lime juice cures cancer -- overnight! Well, not lime juice alone, but according to this foundation, which may or may not be entirely reputable (I'm not really qualified to say), lime juice is a key ingredient to their overnight cancer cure.
• Lime juice enhances vision. Wikipedia informs us that Asian martial artists squeeze a drop or two into their eyes, presumably pre-combat. Or maybe it's post-fight lime juice for the winner, and honor suicide for the loser (again, I'm really not really qualified to draw conclusions).

Lime may literally be more important that penicillin. A simple Google search will sprout up a host of other natural remedies using lime juice; kidney stones, headaches, dandruff, acne, jaundice, bad breath, menstrual flows, even addictions to vintage 1930's German pornography! I also have it on good word that this week's health care speech by President Obama before the joint session of Congress will simply consist of three words: "Lime juice, people".

Ultimately, this natural liquid wonder seems hellbent on proving that it is one of the most versatile items in your kitchen. The next time you sprain your ankle, get a blister, or contract an STD, try fixing it with lime juice first. It may even help you save money on that co-pay at the doctor's office.