F%*k 2009 Anyway

Is this bullshit year over with yet? For the love of all that's holy, this year has sucked some major dick, mostly because of the Chicago Cubs. The baseball season was pretty much over in August as the Cubs pissed away whatever chance they had of winning this sorry division. But the Cubs are only one of the reasons 2009 sucked. Allow me to elaborate . . .

1. The St. Louis Cardinals

Ordinarily, I'm not a bitter Cubs fan. I didn't even move to Central Illinois until I was 15, so the Cubs/Cards rivalry thing didn't really matter all that much to me. But combined with the tank job the 2009 Cubs have managed, the Cardinals have managed to polish a turd into a big shiny gold nugget and I'll be damned if I can figure out how. Sure they have Albert Pujols, whom every baseball writer, announcer et al, has proclaimed as the Greatest Player of Our Time, but that's not my main issue here. I'll give you Carpenter and Wainwright, but how in holy fuck have they gotten good performances out of Joel Pinero, Kyle Losche, and Todd hatesockfucking Wellemeyer? And the trades?! Sweet Jesus, the trades. Every trade these bozos have made has paid off. Matt Holiday was just kinda cruising along in Oakland, but he puts on a jersey with those stupid fucking birds on it and all of a sudden he's Babe Ruth. DeRosa's stats with St. Louis might suck, but you know he's being all clubhouse leader guy in the dugout, the anti-Milton Bradley. And John Smoltz looked like a dead duck in Boston, but going into his start against the Cubs this weekend, he'd walked one guy as a Cardinal. One! And then there's Julio Lugo. Even Julio Lugo is hitting for these dbags. Unbelievable. I wouldn't be surprised if these assholes win another damn World Series. And they-unh-er-probably-arr-grr-deserve to. Gah!

2. Politics

I'm not gonna go on too long about this. You guys come here for the sports and the funny, not my leftwing ravings. So I'll try to be be brief. This Country Has Lost It's Damn Mind. The right wing loses one goddamn election and suddenly there's talk of secession and armed revolution. Just because their guy didn't win, all these jerkwads want to tear the system down and start over. That's not the way America works. If you don't like what's going on, you have until 2012 to try and find a candidate that supports your agenda and try to get enough votes to get him/her in. That's how democracy fucking works. Until then, suck it up Sparky. If I have to see any more footage of Birthers, Deathers, Tenthers, Tea-Baggers, etc., I'm gonna throw up.

3. Toby Keith

Toby Keith was just named Songwriter/Artist of the Decade by Nashville Songwriters Association International. Granted, this is country music we're talking about, but still. Toby fucking Keith? This is how low country music has sunk? The genre that gave us Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, Waylon Jennings, Patsy Cline, and the original Hank Williams? Toby couldn't lift one of Johnny Cash's stones, let alone write a song as good as Fulsom Prison Blues. "How Do You Like Me Now"? "Courtesy of the Red, White, & Blue"? Come on Nashville. I mean, holy shit, Toby Keith?



4. Michael Jackson Died

And I had to hear about Michael Jackson for the next several months. I'm still hearing about Michael Jackson. The media is sending subliminal Michael Jackson signals into my brain while I'm sleeping. Michael Jackson is still alive and he's cooking burgers with Elvis in a run down truck stop diner in Pussyhump, North Dakota. Michael Jackson's ghost was spotted hanging around a children's graveyard. The Liberian National Anthem has been changed to "Beat It" in honor of Michael Jackson. The doctor who murdered Michael Jackson is seeking custody of his children. Hee-hee, shamon, Ho!

5. The Chicago Cubs

Last but not least, the Cubs have been the most infuriating thing about 2009 for me. Picked by many to threepeat as Central Division Champs, the Cubs quickly dashed expectation. The frustration begins in the offseason, when Jim Hendry trades away Mark DeRosa (bad) and Jason Marquis (good). He also chooses not to resign Kerry Wood (bad-Wood is face of franchise, good-we thought Carlos Marmol would be closer). He then trades Jose Ceda (?) for Kevin Gregg (oh so obviously bad). He also signs Aaron Miles (Sweet Jesus, why?) and Milton Bradley (Known headcase, clubhouse cancer & all around humanitarian. He eats kittens, too).

The DeRosa trade will go down as one of the dumbest in recent memory. Not so much because of who DeRosa is, but what he does. What he does is play almost every position on the field, most notably third base. The trade sucks because I know, and you know, and every goddamn Cub fan knows, but apparently Jim Hendry does NOT know that Aramis Ramirez has never played a full season since joining the Chicago Cubs. I love Aramis. He's my favorite guy on this failure crater of a team, but he's had quad problems, groin problems, and this year, in a fluky bad play, he separated his shoulder. Now if Hendry had immediately brought hot hitting Jake Fox up to take over at third base, I'd be fine with the DeRosa trade, even if Fox was terrible. But no, Hendry called up Bobby Scales and Andres Blanco and Lou played them at second, while trotting Mike Fontenot out to third. No one should have had to see the Cajun Hobbit playing third base. And Aaron Miles was a complete joke. Guess what, we still have one year to go on his contract. Yay!

Ridding the Cubs of DeRosa and Marquis (who proceeded to have his best season . . . ever, maybe?) gave Donut Jim the funds he needed to sign Milton Bradley. Milton, who also can't seem to stay healthy for a complete season. Milton apparently really wanted to come to Chicago, but didn't bother to learn that we actually have a media in this city, unlike say, Texas, Oakland, or San Diego, where you basically show up to play and consider yourself lucky if they remember to spell your name right. Now at the end of the season, Milton hates Chicago, hates the media, hates the fans, feels alienated from his teammates, and since being suspended, probably hates his cracker GM and manager. Only the Cubs would have signed this guy to a multiyear deal. Shit, if his schtick didn't work in San Diego, where nobody gives a fuck what you do, then why did Hendry think it would ever play here? Did he think Lou was going to turn this guy around? I think Lou would have kicked his ass, but didn't want to get accused of committing a hate crime.

And now there's talk of trading Carlos Zambrano, one of the most consistent guys on the team. Get rid of Milton Bradley, but don't you dare trade El Toro Loco, Jim. He may be a nut, but he's our nut, dammit. And he's not a clubhouse cancer, but a team guy. 2009 is already ruined. Don't ruin 2010 for me.

Lord, at least hockey is starting up. That was one of the bright spots of the year, watching the 'Hawks in the playoffs. And even they goofed up, by letting Marty Havlat walk and signing a guy with a balky shoulder to an absolutely retarded contract. Is it January yet?