It's nearly a third of the way through September and the Cubs are 11.5 games out. Unless the Cardinals' team jet crashes, it's pretty safe to say that the Cubs won't make it to the post-season this year. My psychiatrist told me to channel my anger into something creative, so I've decided to recap the 2009 season using haiku.
In case you forgot, haiku is a Japanese style of poetry having three unrhymed lines of five, seven, and five syllables. And here we go...
Milton Bradley
Mediocre man,
Your name makes me think of games!
Your signing, a Risk
Carlos Marmol
He used to be good
And now he is our closer
Where is his control?
Derrek Lee
Like the great phoenix
He arose from the ashes
One year too late, though.
Sam Fuld
His defense is grand
His hustle, legendary
He needs RBIs.
Randy Wells
He deserved better
The offense refused to hit
When he took the mound
Ryan Theriot
He's no superstar
But he's very consistent
We need guys like him
Geovany Soto
Fatty smoked some pot
Then he forgot how to hit
I blame the munchies
Aramis RamÃrez
He started off fine
Then dislocated shoulder
His season, ruined
Carlos Zambrano
Work on your abs, Z!
When your back isn't twitching,
Your shit is lights out.
Kevin Gregg
Goggles are worthless
As the fans could clearly see
He was no closer
Mike Fontenot
Aaron Miles sucks,
So you start at second base.
Make way for Baker!
Alfonso Soriano
His defense, ghastly
His offense, negligible
Says knees are the cause
Kosuke Fukudome
Like Fukudome,
My Japanese poetry...
Needs much improvement
Mediocre man,
Your name makes me think of games!
Your signing, a Risk
Carlos Marmol
He used to be good
And now he is our closer
Where is his control?
Derrek Lee
Like the great phoenix
He arose from the ashes
One year too late, though.
Sam Fuld
His defense is grand
His hustle, legendary
He needs RBIs.
Randy Wells
He deserved better
The offense refused to hit
When he took the mound
Ryan Theriot
He's no superstar
But he's very consistent
We need guys like him
Geovany Soto
Fatty smoked some pot
Then he forgot how to hit
I blame the munchies
Aramis RamÃrez
He started off fine
Then dislocated shoulder
His season, ruined
Carlos Zambrano
Work on your abs, Z!
When your back isn't twitching,
Your shit is lights out.
Kevin Gregg
Goggles are worthless
As the fans could clearly see
He was no closer
Mike Fontenot
Aaron Miles sucks,
So you start at second base.
Make way for Baker!
Alfonso Soriano
His defense, ghastly
His offense, negligible
Says knees are the cause
Kosuke Fukudome
Like Fukudome,
My Japanese poetry...
Needs much improvement
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