Killer Peanuts: Proving One More Time A Black Man Was Wrong

This past Thursday through Sunday I traveled to Denver to help crew the Breast Cancer 3 Day Walk. It was a nice and unexpectedly enjoyable break from the drain of everyday life. Although I was forced to give up on luxuries like flushable toilets, alcohol, smoking, television, internet, and the Cubs (the last I honestly didn't miss that much), I did get to spend a few days with some pretty remarkable women getting together to support a good cause. It was a little like I would imagine Lillith Fair to be like (I spent 3 days around 700 women, often in different stages of undress and still did not touch one boob) except the crowd was a little older and less hippy.

But that's not what I'm here to write about. Before the plane ride home as the flight bitches (that's the PC term right?) were giving there usual safety shpeel, they included one little nugget that sent me off like Milton Bradley on a close called strike three. Apparently someone on the plane had a peanut allergy and therefore they would not be serving peanuts on the flight.

WTF!?! I imagine if George Washington Carver was alive today, he would be forming a posse with the ACLU to sue not only the airlines, but basically every other social setting imaginable. Up until a couple years ago, I had never even heard of peanut allergies. But today, peanuts are like the new anthrax. Schools have banned serving peanuts or peanut butter. Huge warning labels warn me that products may contain peanut dust. Last year Safeco Field in Seattle introduced a peanut-free zone in their parks.

Yes, folks, the terrorists have won.

But my story doesn't end there. While apparently peanuts are now considered weapons of mass destruction, airlines have started to allow those little fucking lap dogs onto the planes.

Seriously you rich fucks, go fuck yourselves in your fucking asses.

If there is one thing that is more annoying than a baby crying in my ear for 4 hours it's a fucking inbred miniature poodle barking. That's not the half of it. I have allergies too. No one asked me when I got on the plane whether or not I have an animal dander allergy and if I wouldn't mind sneezing and having watery eyes the entire flight. Granted, I probably won't die from this allergy, but I might be sent to jail for a really long time when I jump out of my seat and strangle your little "Bubbles" to death for making me want to cut my own nose off.

So now I have two more people to add to my list. People bringing dogs on the plane and those with peanut allergies. Did you know that more than 5 times the amount of people died in airplane accidents last year than peanut-related deaths? You're all worried about death? Don't fucking fly. In the meantime, I would like to enjoy my little bag of four stale, honey roasted peanuts. Three of which I will eat and the last to make your dog eat, hoping he chokes on it and dies.

Bear Down.