What's That Sucking Sound? It's The Cubs' Second Base Black Hole.

It's amazing to me that a team that has approximately half the roster devoted to second sackers doesn't have one that's any good. Ever since the salary dump of He Who Shall Not Be Named in the offseason, the Cubs have experimented with several options at second, with none of them turning out to be particularly effective.

Considering that the Cubs have managed to claw their way into first place in the Central (albeit by a tenuous 1/2 game margin), perhaps it's unnecessarily whiny and petty of me to be harping on this, but would it be too much to ask that we have at least one starting-caliber second baseman on the roster? Jim Hendry has always had an unusual fetish for second baseman, possibly the most vanilla and unexciting of all the infield positions, collecting them like so many Donut Fancier magazines (ah, a Jim Hendry fat joke, how original). This season in particular, Hendry has outdone himself with the gaggle of 2nd (3rd, 4th?) tier "talent" the Cubs have manning second base.

To recap:

Aaron "Double A" Miles- Batting .203 with 0 HRs and 4 RBIs. Before he went on the DL, Miles tried to change his fortunes at the plate by pulling a reverse Cardinal and shaving his goatee. It didn't work. Miles was the bargain bin replacement for HWSNBN (who just hit his 17th dong of the year last night, by the way), but at best, he's the white Ramon Martinez. Even my wife didn't buy this move and she would refuse to watch any of Miles's at bats. Sometimes at night, she clutches her Cubs #7 shirt and cries silently. Damn you, Jim Hendry!

Mike "The Cajun Hobbit" Fontenot-our brilliant guest blogger is hitting .231 with 8 HRs and 31 RBIs. Now I like Mike Fontenot. He and LSU Wonder Twin Ryan Theriot are a dynamic duo who are probably a blast to drink with, as I'm sure they have plenty of nostalgic stories about all the tail they pulled back in college, not to mention the whole midget wrestling scene. Mikey was great last year, really excelling in a part time role. It's not entirely his fault he's struggled this year, as he really has no business being a full time second baseman.

Ryan "True Grit" Freel-currently batting an even .200 with 0 HRs and 5 RBIs over time spent with the Orioles, Cubs, and Royals, Mr. Energy couldn't find a groove with the Cubs. Maybe Farney didn't like wearing blue, in which case he's still screwed. It's just as well. With Milton Bradley, Lou Pinella, and Carlos Zambrano in one dugout, the Cubs are already full up on crazy this year. Not to mention that Theriot and Reed Johnson didn't need another guy horning in on the "grittiness" dick measuring competition they've got going on.

Bobby "Mr. Man" Scales-Bobby started with a bang, but finished with a .241 average, 3 HRs, and 7 RBIs during his call-ups so far this season. Called up when Aramis blew out his shoulder, the Cubs inexplicably continued to play the Cajun Hobbit at third and most of Bobby's time came at second base. For a while,he was good enough for us bartenders to get all sweaty over him and thusly cursed, his numbers plummeted. Sorry about that Bobby. Our bad.

Andres "Andy White" Blanco-I like this kid, even if he doesn't quite have the mystique of his cousin, Hank. Blanco is hitting .221 with 0 HRs and 8 RBIs. The only thing Blanco really has going for him is his slick glove and the fact that he's probably the only decent back up shortstop the Cubs have in the system who's major league "ready". He's not white, so he can't be scrappy, which means he's pretty much Nefei Perez without the PEDs. Christ, he even wears the same number. Don't any of these fuckers know that #13 is supposed to be bad luck?

Jeff "Whitey Whiterson" Baker-Jesus, how many marginally talented bland white guys can this team get to play second base this year? Baker even wears glasses, which makes him look even more like he should be in the Tribune Accounting Department helping the team sale go through. Hell, he might be more useful if that's what he was doing right now. Someone call Crane Kenney (I think Mark Prior could use a job as well). With the Cubs and Rockies, Baker is hitting a robust .188 with 1 HR and 8 RBIs this season. Hey, his BA with the Cubs is a robuster .240, so things aren't all bad. Right?

Kids, the bad news is that things aren't likely to get any better. According to MLB TradeRumors, the Cubs might not even have good enough prospects to pry John Grabow loose from the Pirates, much less Freddy Sanchez. A Brian Roberts trade has become as realistic as a talking unicorn or an uncorrupted version of the Erin Andrews video. If I were Steve Stone, I'd tell you all not to worry, since the Cubs are trading Milton Bradley for Placido Polanco and Justin Verlander. Unicorns indeed.