TMS Booze Project: Jim Beam

I always felt like an outsider when I'd read one of the TMS Beer Project reviews. Although I sometimes drink beer and even enjoy it on occasion, it's usually something I resort to only when every other beverage has been consumed. Being a saloon, I decided to spotlight my preferred vessel for inebriation: hard liquor. Without further adieu, I bring you the TMS Booze Project.

Editor's Note: Now with new and improved rating system!


Jim Beam Kentucky Bourbon

Distillery: Beam Distilleries, Frankfort KY

Type: Kentucky Straight Bourbon Whiskey

Receptacle: 750ml glass bottle

History: 9. A bunch of Krauts came to America in the 18th century. Their last name was "Boehm," but that soon got changed to Beam because Boehm is some creepy Euro shit that scared the hicks real good. Being idiot immigrants fresh of the boat, they settled in Kentucky; possibly Bourbon County, which would make a hell of a lot of sense. Anyway, Jacob Beam began selling barrels or corn whiskey to unsuspecting hillbillies in 1795.

General Characteristics: 7. Bourbon is basically just corn whiskey made in oak barrels that have had their insides burnt. Originally, this was done so that the barrels could be reused. This means that hillbillies were some of the first Americans to recycle. Because of the shit I just said, Jim Beam is basically whiskey with a smoky hint to it. Describing the taste of whiskey is like describing double-vaginal penetration to a blind mute. You either know what it's like or you don't. And you're either into it or you're not. I'm way into it. Meaning Jim Beam, of course.

Straight from the bottle: 8. Jim Beam is best consumed straight. Not only does it taste better this way, but other than eating whole habanero peppers, there really isn't anything more manly than bourbon. Also, bourbon is the national spirit of the US of A, so getting drunk off Jim Beam is as much apart of America as baseball, apple pie and pharmacies making sick people walk all the way to the back of the store while I buy my cigarettes at the front counter.

Mixability: 3. Bourbon generally sucks for mixing purposes. All whiskies do. Sure, there's the mint julep for the Kentucky Derby. And there's the Manhattan. But generally, mixing anything with Bourbon requires ingredients you aren't likely to have on hand. Seriously, how many of you have sprigs of mint at your place? I don't want to have to buy the Chia Herb Garden just in case I feel like mixing something with my bourbon on another sad Friday night. Although there isn't anything inherently wrong with a Jim Beam & Coke, try to muster some balls and do shots of Beam and use the Coke as a chaser. It's the same thing, only with the added street cred of doing shots.

Intoxication: 8. Jim Beam white label is 40% alcohol by volume. Black label is 45% alcohol and usually not much more expensive. This is about average in the world of hard liquor. But be careful, whiskey, especially Bourbon, has more congeners than pretty much every other type of alcohol. Congeners are believed to be impurities created in the fermentation process that cause hangovers. Generally, the darker the alcohol, the more hangover potential it has. Bourbon is one of the darkest liquors known to alcoholics, so either use in moderation or slowly develop a tolerance for the stuff.

Effect on your ability to function the next day: 9. As I just mentioned, the congeners will fuck you up and make it generally impossible to stagger into work the next morning. Save Jim Beam for the weekend, unless you can function at your job using 1/10th of your mental faculties.

Affordability:$$ Jim Beam is mid-shelf liquor at its best. I paid $16 for a 5th at the rip-off liquor mart down the street. It can generally be had anywhere between $12-15 at stores that aren't gouging you. Damn you, Liquor Deli! You're so fucking convenient yet so over-priced!