***FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE***Thunder Matt’s Saloon Endorses Wells
Chicago, IL – July 16, 2009
The following is a transcript of the speech delivered by TMS Bartender “Wolter” this morning (annotated with hyperlinks, and edited to be printable):
“Thank you all for coming. I’m here today to talk about a matter near and dear to my heart: the Chicago Cubs.
“Given the poor quality of the Cubs’ offense in the current season, it has been a temptation to say that “This whole damn team sucks,” and indeed many Cubs fans and TMS bartenders alike have joined in iterating some variation on that theme.”
[Wolter pauses for a moment, clutching the podium with white knuckles and mutters something that sounds like "Sori-f@ckin'-a55h0le."]
“However, this fails to take into account the bright spot of this year. The anemic offense (God, has that cliché ever been more accurate) is at least being offset by the solid, and occasionally brilliant starting pitching. As much of a “f@cking nutpunch” (per a high-ranking TMS insider) it is to lose close, low-scoring games, at least the Cubs are not being utterly annihilated in the field, like the residents of ”NATSTOWN!”
“One of the linchpins of this rotation is the surprisingly competent rookie, Randy Wells. Once thought by many Cubs commentators, including this speaker, to be a career Quadruple-A player (much as the namesake of The Saloon is sadly turning into), by picking up a surprisingly devastating “Slutter” (a slider/cutter hybrid that just defeated the "Slurve" to become the Best-Named Pitch in Baseball History), Wells may even garner some votes for Rookie of the Year (like first ballot HoFer Jerome Walton…).”
[Wolter coughs nervously.]
“Moving on…
“Wells, like pre-sex change Rich Harden last year [Note: Harden’s agent will neither confirm, nor deny, Mr. Wolter’s assessment], has been the victim of a few atrociously bad offensive games which have kept his W-L record from being particularly impressive”
[Wolter balls hands into fists and smashes them into podium]
“Can we please agree, as thinking people, that wins are as meaningless a stat as “holds” and move on with our lives?
[Wolter again coughs, and an unnamed TMS intern approaches the podium nervously. Wolter waves him off]
“I can do this. If you look at Wells’ performance, he is pitching damn well. In 81 innings, he has an ERA of 2.55, with about six K’s per nine, and only about 2 walks. His WHIP is is like 1.1, and most importantly…seriously guys…his slider is sickhouse.
“In conclusion, I have been authorized by the Powers That Be at TMS to give Randy Wells our blog’s official support. May God have mercy on his soul.”
[Wolter pauses for applause, then realizes he has been delivering this speech standing on his desk, alone, in an empty office.]
“Holy crap. This cold medicine is awesome…”
Mr. Wells has not yet commented on this announcement.
Contact:
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c/o Thunder Matt’s Saloon
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