In Defense Of: Child Labor

Capitalism is a great idea, however over the years socialist b@stards and hippies have tried to stop the mighty steam locomotive of progress by enacting laws that prevent companies from putting other animals besides cow in your ground chuck (suck on my sausage Upton Sinclair!). Even more disturbing nations around the world are not looking to the United States as a “model” for human rights. This is both revolting and sickening. However the most disturbing part of this trend is that these lefties are trying to take the dignity and worth out of an honest job. From giving people the idea that unions improve wages and benefits to limiting the hours or completely eliminating the possibility of child labor. These people are destroying capitalism and the Laissez Faire style of economics. Adam Smith and other pioneers of capitalism ar rolling over in their graves. But alas, I refuse to let this happen without a fight!

Exhibit A: Mugatu understands the way the world should work.

But you now may be asking why I am defending what some may term the "despicable" practice of child labor. Simply put I am a purist. The Free Market works and I'm sure all of the panelists on CNBC and Fox Business would agree that the most open market is the free market. There should be no regulation at all - FDA, SEC, FDIC and Federal Reserve be damned. They're just playing with the markets! Besides child labor does have its benefits:

1: Children Have Endless Amounts of Energy
Today so many people in the workforce get tired while on the job and working. They come to work tired, get groggy after lunch and then become incredibly unproductive right before they leave. This wastes money, lots of money. In the name of efficiency children do not have this problem, as they are full of energy. Feed them some sugary stuff during the day and they are like little energizer bunnies. You also don't have to worry about them waking up on time because as we all know children have an automatic alarm clock built inside of them, and you even get bonus hours on Saturday. A side benefit to having this energy is that that they no longer need toys or television, because the machines that they are working with to produce goods have tons of buttons that they get to push (in a predetermined order naturally).

Exhibit B: Will work for candy.

2: Size Matter

Children are smaller than adults, this makes them ideal for working in factories for three reasons

a: Fit more workers into a factory - Now you can fit 100 workers into the area where an employer could previously fit only 50. You can also lower the roofs and fit more levels of a factory into the same height of a regular factory. This increases efficiency to the point of your economy of scale.

b: Smaller hands allow for more intricate work - Who doesn't love detail work? Since children have small hands with it comes the ability to get more details into pieces of clothing and objects that they make. This was previously done by machines but why employ machines when hand worked items are worth more?

c: Smaller size allows for smaller and more compact machinery - their size also allows them to operate machines that are smaller than what regular sized adults could work on. Smaller buttons, gears and more allow for companies to fit more machines into a structure, which means greater efficiency.

3: Save Money - Lower Taxes - Grow the Economy

Children require less pay than adults, since you could term their labor “inferior” to that of people working hard in the coal mines. This means that as a business owner you have more money to invest in capital, growing your business and making more money! You’ll also lower taxes because kids won’t need public schooling anymore. If you are rich enough to afford private school then feel free to send your children (they will be the future Captains of Industry), but the great public school experiment in the United States has failed, so we should eliminate it. With the drop in tax rates (because the government needs less money due to no regulation) growth in profits and increase in cheap labor the laws of economics suggest you would make heafty profits and real world income growth! This would move the manufacturing might of the US back up to levels of WWII, and who doesn't want that?

Exhibit C: Proof that public schools have failed.

4: Apprenticeship Used To Be Popular
Back in the middle ages many kiddos would jump at the chance to work with hot steel and explosives. Now we could start apprenticeship programs to teach kids skills they could really use. It would put many of the children who can't succeed in school to work and it would take the smart kids and put them in a naturally higher order over the weaker ones - a win-win for the economy and humanity! Besides the ones learning trades could then refine the trade, pass it on, refine it further meaning more profits for the smart, intelligent wealthy ones and a good standard of living (in 18th century terms) for the rest of the population!

In closing now that you can see the benefits of child labor call your representative today and ask that we repeal all of these useless regulation organizations and put our kids back to work!