Hell's Kitchen is Back, You Donkey!

Tonight marks the sixth season of Hell's Kitchen, one of my favorite shows on tv. The greatest thing about Hell's Kitchen is even though it's a cooking game/reality show, it really doesn't focus much on the actual job of cooking. Plus you've got Gordon Ramsay, probably the most pissed off person on the face of the planet. If Gordo ran the Chicago Cubs, they would have only 3 players: Ted Lilly, for his unflappability and his murderistic stare that would even scare Ramsay; Koyie Hill, because even though he cut off most of his fingers on one hand, he still came back less than a year later; and Derrek Lee, because, well, Gordon is afraid of tall black guys (see Rock, Season 3 winner). The rest would have quit, or been "You're fired." Oh, wait, that's a different show, you pathetic pig.

The second greatest part of Hell's Kitchen is that they get the most incompetent cooks and chefs alive to be on the show. Last season, Coi couldn't even cook a hamburger for one episode. A fucking hamburger, you donkey! Plus, they all think they are the shit, so arguments and fights between the contestants are always hyped up by the producers. Sure it's a little cliche, but it makes for entertaining television. So here are the contestants for Season Six.

First the Red Team, or the ladies:

Amanda is a 27 year old Sous Chef who has been cooking for 3 years. Her nickname is high school was "Rodman". She went to a real culinary school and is one of the actually attractive female contestants (for chefs, anyways), which will of course piss off Chef Ramsay.

Tek has been a Line Cook for 9 years. She must suck, because usually in 9 years, you move up in your job. Tek is also a self-proclaimed member of the NYC punk scene. She's probably the gay one.

Ariel has worked as a Sous Chef for 8 years. She is also 27 (just like Amanda and Tek). Her bio is super boring and lists her grandmother as her inspiration for cooking. She will be the boring one that just flies under the radar.

Lovely is from Chicago, so normally would be my favorite. Except her name is Lovely and not Lovey. She is the "Executive Chef" at a children's camp, which means she might be able to cook hamburgers, but has no idea what fois gras is. She will be soon to leave, but not before trying to stand up to Gordon's rants.

Melinda is a Private Chef to rich people on yachts, which translates horribly to being a line cook. Plus she looks like she has a stick up her ass. She used to be part of corporate America, but decided she wanted to be more "creative". Now she puts caviar on crackers and calls it cooking.

Sabrina is a Restaurant Manager from Texas who works somewhere here in Phoenix. If she could cook, she would, instead she's a Manager. Enough said.

Suzanne is from Milwaukee and is the youngest female contestant, which will piss off Chef Ramsey. Hell, what doesn't piss that man off? She will probably stick around for a while because Gordo loves to give cutish, inexperienced girls a chance while yelling at their perky boobs.

Tenille just lost 100 pounds by cheating and getting gastric bypass. She will be the feisty black one that gets into with Chef Ramsey because as she proclaims in her bio, she is the greatest chef.

And in the Blue Corner (guys):

Andy is a 39 year old Owner and Executive Chef at his restaurant in Boston. He has published a cookbook and is an award winning BBQ competitor. Somehow he made it to Hell's Kitchen, as he is way over qualified and experienced. Andy is the front-runner for the winner.

Tony is a Culinary Store Manager living in Chicago. Why is Chicago getting the shaft on this show? Tony has a Flock of Seagulls type haircut so he might be the gay one. The gay ones always lose...and piss off Chef Ramsey.

Louis is a 45 year old, 3rd generation Cook and Diner Owner. He has spent all his life in the kitchen, so he might give Andy a run for his money. Look for the two to battle it out for the leader of the Blue Team.

Dave is an Executive Chef in California whose most notable accomplishments include hiking the Appalachian Trail. He can cook a mean can of beans, which will of course piss off Chef Ramsey.

Jim is a Sous Chef at some fancy restaurant in Nashua, NJ. He is self-trained and just like most of the females are under 35, Jim is over 35, just like the most of the guys. Looks like Gordo is setting up the guys for success, although Jim won't be a part of it.

Joseph is a former Marine who learned to cook in the service. Since he is well disciplined, he might not clash with Chef Ramsey, which will then piss him off.

Kevin is a fancy pants living in Connecticut, where he designs menus for his job, the country club, his high school, and college interns, who he lets blow him, even though he is married with a son.

Van is a young fish cook from Dallas, who actually has line experience, so might also do good on the show. That is until Chef Ramsey puts him on apps and Van pisses him off.

Show Info:

Tuesday nights will sizzle this summer when Chef Gordon Ramsay welcomes the nation's most talented and trained chefs yet to a sixth course of his unscripted series HELL'S KITCHEN.

Each week Ramsay grills the ambitious hopefuls, putting them through rigorous culinary challenges and testing them to see who can handle the pressure of a fast-paced kitchen where only the skilled survive. In each episode, Ramsay will eliminate one chef while the rest remain to fillet their way toward the grand prize of a Head Chef position at Araxi Restaurant in Whistler, British Columbia, Canada.

Canada eh?

Drunk blog to follow tomorrow morning!

Go Cubs!