In Defense of...Public Urination

We’ve all been there.

The seal has been broken for quite some time. The last round of Jager bombs you and your friends ordered right before you pounded your beer and stumbled out the door doesn’t seem like such a good idea now, does it? It’s cold outside and you catch a glimpse of the long line in front of the next stop waiting for two people at a time to leak out the front door.

You are pee dancing your ass off.

You start to weigh your options and your definition of shame takes on new and interesting shapes. Finally your entire life boils down to a single harsh reality:

You tried to fight the good fight, but if you can’t find somewhere to piss in the next eight seconds, you will be the coolest person since Miles Davis.

You start to look for some shelter like an ant in a rainstorm. A dumpster, the outcrop of a building, a sleeping vagrant. Really anything will do, as long as it’s out of sight from The Man. Ladies, this is one of those time when life is truly unfair. And yet, I can personally vouch that some of you haven’t let this “inconvenience” stand in your way. In fact, standing has nothing to do with it.

Once you give your body the go-ahead, there is no turning back. A mad man holding your own mother hostage could not convince you to stop. Sex, riches, power...nothing even comes close to the satisfaction that you’re feeling at that moment. All done and it’s time to catch up to your friends.

“Where were you? Did you....did you pee in that veterans cemetery?”

You are God damn right I did.

And frankly, I don’t see what’s so bad about it. Urine is sterile. It’s not like I’m taking a dump in a playground. You’re probably doing more harm to the environment when you wash your car in your driveway. And what about people who walk their dogs? My street is given a fresh coat of dog pee three to four times a day.

It’s not civilized, you say? It’s what separates us from the animals? Go to any private golf club in America. Your gender or race might be banned, but peeing in the bushes? Put me down for a 5 and I’ll catch up with you on the tee box.

Public urination is the God-given right of every American. It’s really the only reason that guys go camping. Besides, if I hold it there’s a good chance I could get uromisotisis poisoning and die. Do you want that on your conscience? Think about it.