In Defense of... Cockfighting

I know this will piss a lot of animal lovers off, but I really don't care. Honestly, I don't understand why cockfighting has gotten such a bad rap. To understand why I feel this way, there's a few things you need to know:

1. I Hate Birds. Seriously. Birds creep me out. I still have never seen the Hitchcock movie and never will. The last time Mrs. Arcturus and I went to Shedd Aquarium we were mobbed by seagulls and I about had an "episode". So it doesn't bother me to know that people breed birds to fight to the death. One more dead bird is a step in the right direction.

2. Cockfighting Is A Lot Less Cruel Than The US Poultry Industry. At least the rooster gets a fighting chance at survival in cockfighting. If he wins, he lives. Simple as that. Aramis Ramirez's roosters live better than most Dominican children. Cruel my ass. By contrast, a chicken in the poultry industry is bred to either lay eggs constantly or have an accelerated growth cycle so they can quickly become fillets or drumsticks, or blended with mystery fish meat to become McNuggets.* These chickens live horrible lives, while the fighting roosters in the Dominican are admired and well cared for.

3. Cockfighting Is in No Way As Terrible As Dogfighting. Dogs are intelligent, loyal human companions. Even pit bulls are cute and cuddly, so long as they're not trained to eat babies. Dogs exist to please humans, so forcing them to fight is a horrible way to take advantage of that loyalty and love. A chicken is dirty, stupid and snake mean. A cockfight also has the built in benefit of being able to eat the loser, hell, sometimes the winner if they're fucked up enough. You can't do that in a dogfight.** So not only do you come for the fight you stay for the barbecue. Bonus.

4. I Want My Own Cockfighting Team. Seriously. The LeRoy Leghorns. There could be leagues of fighting cocks all across the country. KFC and Popeye's could sponsor. Money in the bank, baby. In this troubled economy, it would create jobs, not to mention meals, for thousands of people.

5. They're Chickens. Seriously people. Look, I'm all for protecting whales, wolves, seals, and polar bears, as well as other endangered species. Most of those animals are noble, proud animals. A wolf is symbol of pride and independence. A bear is a symbol of strength. Whales are symbols of . . . I have no idea what the fuck a whale is a symbol of. Chickens are not noble, chickens are tasty. Nobody likes to be called chicken or a cock, so even their names have negative connotations. Fuck, Rooster was the guy who tried to push Little Orphan Annie off a fricking bridge, thus canceling out the only "cool" Rooster, Rooster Cogburn. I've said it before and I'll say it again: chickens are McNuggets with feet. Let them fight and at least have a moment of glory before they end up in the skillet to be pan fried to crispy goodness. Now I'm hungry. Hey, Aramis!

*McDonald's claims that this is no longer the case, that McNuggets are all white meat. Yeah, right.

** Unless you're in Korea.