Fernando's Musings from the Taqueria

Week Ending 5/3

Wet Fart of the Week: Cleveland Indians - Everyone's perennial sleeper picker in the AL Central (think Arizona Cardinals, but without the payoff), the Indians have once again gotten off to a tough start at 9-16, good for last place in a division that is more mediocre than a post/9-11 U2 studio album. The hitting is there, but after Cliff Lee, the pitching is a real travesty. Any time you have Carl Pavano on the payroll (as a #3 starter none-the-less), you can't expect to be taken seriously.

Fantasy Sleeper Makes Good: Raul Ibanez, Phillies - Not so much a sleeper as he is just criminally overlooked and underrated, Ibanez is finally getting some ink now that he's out of Seattle and driving in runs in Philly, where people actually pay attention. He's no spring chicken, but with 8HR, 21 R, 21 RBI and even 3SB so far, who cares how old he is? He puts up numbers year in and year out and with half of his games in Citizens Bank Park instead of Safeco, expect a solid uptick across the board.

Fantasy Sleeper Gone to Pot: Oliver Perez, Mets - The talented yet maddeningly inconsistent NY lefty has finally shed the 'high risk/high reward label' that has followed him for years. Alas, the new label seems to be 'high risk/no reward'. In years past, you could at least count on him to sprinkle in a few gems to go along with his burrito farts. This year, with his unsightly 9.96 ERA and a 20BB:21K ratio, he's been the baseball equivalent of the Swine Flu. Time for a change of underpants Ollie.

I Just Drafted Brandon Inge: Brandon Inge, Tigers - A few months back, Chip Wesley's Gmail accidentally sent all of the TMS bartenders the message "I just drafted Brandon Inge" multiple times. Suffice it to say, we beat this "you had to be there" joke into the ground like only we can. Well, Mr. Inge appears to have gotten the last laugh on all of us (and Gmail) so far this year. 7 HR, 18 RBI and 19 R for this catcher/3B. 7 HR, 18 RBI and 19 R for this catcher/3B.

Running With the Devil: Dexter Fowler and Carl Crawford - Taking exception to me calling the stolen base a lost art in last week's column, young buck Dexter Fowler of the Colorado God Squad went out and stole 5 bases to start off the week. Not to be outdone, Carl Crawford of the Devil Rays gave Dexter a bit of rookie hazing by upping the ante with 6 stolen bases on Sunday. Devil 1, God 0. Today, I lament the lost art of throwing out baserunners.

The Best Ian at His Craft Since Ziering: Ian Kinsler, Rangers - Ian Kinsler doesn't give a S-H-I-T. In a lineup filled with bomb hitting Chippendales (Kinsler, Young, Hamilton, Cruz, and C. Davis would make quite the bare-chested troupe!), Kinsler has the biggest package of them all. 9 HR, 25 RBI and 7 SB? Also while you were reading this, he just had sex with your spouse and pleasured her more than you ever will.

Enjoy It While It Lasts - Blue Jays, Royals, Mariners - Those 3 teams, and not the Red Sox, Twins or Angels are leading their respective divisions right now. While we applaud all three teams on their improved play and gutty performances, we don't expect any of them to keep up the pace. We applaud their courage and extend a hearty handshake and some small parting gifts, which include a 'I Was Ast-Raped in 88' t-shirt and one of Tommy Buzanis' old phone cards that still has like 6 minutes left on it.

Zack, Zack, He's a Shutout Maniac - Zack Greinke, Royals - 36 IP and only 2 ER for this quiet cat. Dating back to last year, he went 38 IP without giving up a run and that streak was finally broken when he gave up an unearned run. His performance has doubtlessly earned him plenty of clubhouse noogies and "atta boys".

Give These Guys a Greasy Taco:

Dan Haren, Diamondbacks - 2 W, 21 K, 1.59 ERA
Justin Verlandar, Tigers - 2 W, 20K, 0.64 ERA
Mike Fontenot, Cubs - 3HR, 7RBI, 1SB
Johnny Cueto, Reds - 15IP, 1W, 0.60 ERA
Evan Longoria, Rays - 2HR, 14RBI, 9R
Trevor Hoffman, Brewers - 3SV, 0.00 ERA, 5K
Brian Wilson, Giants - 3SV, 7K, 1.93 ERA
Jose Guillen, Royals - 3HR, 10RBI, .500 AVG
Jorge Cantu, Marlins - 4HR, 14RBI, .433 OBP

Give These Guys a Taco Filled with Cilantro:

Jose Reyes, Mets - 1/21, 1R, 1RBI
Mark Teixeria, Yankees - 2/22, 0HR, 0RBI
Travis Snider, Blue Jays - 2/23, 1R, 1RBI
Nationals Bullpen - Swine Flu + that disease from 28 Days Later
Dan Uggla, Marlins - 3/20, OHR, OR
Carlos Marmol, Cubs- 3.1IP, 13.50 ERA, 3.00 WHIP
Rich Harden, Cubs - 3.2IP, 6H, 4BB, 5ER
Ryan Ludwick, Cardinals - 2/19, 2RBI, .150 OBP
Ty Wigginton, Astros - 2/17, OR, 2RBI