Things I Would Rather Do...

I missed yesterday's game, but I hear that once again, Neal Cotts is violating the Geneva Convention by pitching in baseball games. This saddens me enough to allow Thunder Matt's Saloon to print some excerpts from my upcoming book, 10,001 Things I'd Rather Do Than Watch Neal Cotts Pitch For the Cubs.

The book will be a lavish, coffee-table style hardcover full of illustrations completely unrelated to Neal Cotts pitching for the Cubs, as there are over ten thousand other things I'd rather do than ever see that again. However, plans are in the works for a deluxe edition bound in Neal Cotts' skin, if I can just talk Hendry into releasing that turd.

Here are a few to whet your appetite:

~Hammer a 6" railroad spike through my own left foot

~Listen to an Audiobook of Mike Tyson reading the Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam

~Listen to Chris DeLuca explain how Alexei Ramirez is the best baseball player in Chicago, even though a mentally challenged Cocker Spaniel can tell he's not the best baseball player on his own team, or even the best player named A. Ramirez in Chicago, for that matter

~Spend one full year living in Indiana (Official State Motto: "Why Not Give Up On Life Here?")

~Relive the time I was eight and watched my dog get hit by a car over and over again

~Attend a synagogue in Jerusalem with Mel Gibson

~Play an 8-hour marathon of The 3-D adventures of World Runner

~Perform a pap smear on Paris Hilton

~Get a tattoo of Ernest Borgnine's face on top of my own face

~Sit in a hot tub full of Au Jus with a naked Chip Wesley (the casual TMS reader probably doesn't realize how real this fear is)

~Eat a huge bowl of cilantro, and wash it down with a Woodchuck Pear Cider

~Listen to Chaim explain, in depth, how Kiss are "totally better than Maiden, man."

~Actually write a blog post for TMS

I'm already gathering data for the sequel, 10,001 Things YOU'D Rather Do Than Watch Neal Cotts Pitch For the Cubs, so feel free to submit your own in the comments section.