The Gist: Game #5

El Toro Loco made his second start of the year against Brewer pitcher Dave Bush. Zambrano was a little erratic, but kept the Cubs in the game. Dave Bush was tough on the Cubs, pitching six solid innings for the Brewers. Fat Prince hit his first homer of the year off of Zambrano. This game almost ended in potential disaster for the Cubs when they went to the bullpen in the seventh. Angel Guzman walked two. Then Neal "Aw Shit" Cotts came and promptly walked the bases loaded. Lou made Larry Rothschild shuffle out to the mound and pull Cotts for Aaron Heilman, who gave up a two run single to Brewers a 5-3 lead before settling in to deal for the next 1-2/3 innings. The bullpen was bailed out by Reed "Stuntman" Johnson and the mammoth shot Soriano hit off of Milwaukee's temporary closer, Carlos Villanueva, giving the Cubs a 6-5 edge. Pinella went with should be closer Carlos Marmol, who was electric, securing the win for the Cubs.

A couple things:

1. Our Bull Pen Sucks. Aside from Marmol and Heilman, I don't trust any of these fuckers. Look, I know that Lou appointed Kevin Gregg closer. Hell, the Saloon even endorsed the guy. Let's face it, this job should belong to the jug-eared, hard-throwing Dominican slice of awesome that is Carlos Marmol. Your closer needs to be able to strike opposing batters out. Opposing batters need to fear your closer. Look at Ryan Braun last night in the 9th. He was palpably uncomfortable facing the Marmolnator. Kevin Gregg doesn't do that for you. But Lou has already told the media: “I said when the season started that there would be opportunities for both of them. Tomorrow if we get in a similar situation, Gregg will be in there.” I know it's only been five games, but dear God why?

Heilman gave up the single that plated two runs, but he didn't walk anybody. He's been soild thus far and was pretty solid last year for the Mets, so long as he doesn't start. Aside from these two guys, our 'pen is a disaster. Which brings me to Neal Cotts.

2. Neal Cotts sucks more dick than the head fluffer for a gang-bang movie. I know we "need" a lefty in the bullpen, but sweet Holy Jebus, there has to be someone in our minor league system who can throw left handed and actually get people out. If not there, I would suggest looking in Japan or Korea to find such a person. Shit, I would let Big Z throw lefty before I'd consider putting Cotts in a ballgame. Send this guy packing, please. He was terrible last year and he looks just as shitty this year. Left-handed ain't worth shit if you can't throw strikes.

3. At Least Fukudome Looks Solid. I know we've gotten the first half tease from him before, but goddamned if he doesn't look like a major league hitter so far this year. He was about the only Cub who did a flipping thing against Dave Bush last night.

In short, if the Cubs don't fix their bullpen issues soon, it's going to be a long season.