American Idol Returns

Its that time America. Time to tune in to a weekly karaoke contest posing as a hunt for the next great American pop superstar. I hate most things on TV, but I will admit to watching this. I myself have picked up the karaoke mic before, but unlike these people I haven't deluded myself into thinking I can sing. The auditions kind of suck, but when a complete clusterfuck of a person makes it to Hollywood you're in for a treat. Sometimes even the singers the judges gush over are beyond horrible, like Blake "Beaker" Lewis and his inane beatboxing. To get you ready for season 8, since I know you'll be watching whether you admit it or not, lets take a look back at past winners:

Season 1 - Kelly Clarkson

Kelly Clarkson is actually talented, so for a brief minute it looked like American Idol may actually succeed in producing music superstars. Then they made her release a CD of 70's AM radio schlock. Her second CD Breakaway was more of her own work, wonderfully poppy and better than expected. She's a little chunky, but I still kind of dig her.

Season 2 - Ruben Studdard

Who? Oh yeah, the fat dude who beat out the homosexual muppet. Its truly amazing Fox didn't pull the plug on the show after this debacle.

Season 3 - Fantasia Barrino

You are far more likely to be hit by lighting while reading this sentence than you are to own a Fantasia CD. Even if you count the soundtrack to the Disney movie, the odds still aren't high. Season 3 isn't remembered for its winner, but for booting off Jennifer Hudson. She wasn't good enough to win Simon Cowell's karaoke night, but she was good enough to win an Oscar.

Season 4 - Carrie Underwood

Carrie Underwood is the perfect modern country singer: Blond hair, nice body, and absolutely no discernible talent. Have you heard this awful Before He Cheats song? She's basically gloating about being a vindictive psycho bitch.

Season 5 - Taylor Hicks

The gray haired Hicks, who is a hick, beat out Scientology enthusiast Katherine McPhee for the season 5 title. I know absolutely nothing else about this year except that this is the rock Chris Daughtry crawled out from under. Nickelback replaced Creed, and Daughtry had hoped to replace Nickelback, but unfortunately for him those canucks aren't done raping music yet.

Season 6 - Jordin Sparks

OK, this is where I came in. Sanjaya Malakar was making a mockery of the entire show every week and there were some people who actually didn't suck too hard. It was win win. In the end, Phillippi Sparks' daughter beat out a beatboxing muppet (what is it with this show and guys who look like muppets?), a disco queen, and an albino to win. She's actually gone on to have a decent career so far.

Season 7 - David Cook

All the tweens wanted David Archuleta to win this season, but cooler heads prevailed and Cook beat him out. Cook isn't that great either, he's another Creed/Nickelback/Daughtry clone, but Archuleta is a weird little shit. The tweens and their moms liked him because he looks asexual and non-threatening, but one day they're going to catch him with like 20 dead Filipino boys under his house. You heard it here first.

Season 8 - ????

Oh yes, here we are. Who will win? Who cares? Just tune in and watch the train go off the rails. Tattoo girl seems pretty good though. There's a new female judge, which means they expect Paula Abdul to OD on pain killers before next season and there are supposedly fewer gimmicks like Men Without Hats Night. SEACREST OUT.

"Where are all the Filipino boys at?"