War Criminal: New Years Eve

I look forward to January 1st every year. A new year means a clean slate...A time to start over...And a time to accomplish all of the things you said you'd accomplish on January 1st of last year. I can thank my New Years resolutions for clean lungs (I quit smoking a couple of years ago), and a more well-rounded mind (one year, I decided I would start reading more non-fiction books). This year, I have resolved to learn Spanish, and to cut back on my swearing (notice how I said "cut back" - there's no way in hell I'd be able to stop swearing completely). However, in order to get to January 1st, you have to get through New Years Eve...And I fucking hate New Years Eve...

I know what you might be thinking "But E-Claire! New Years Eve is great! You get to drink a lot, wear silly hats, and run down the street screaming when midnight rolls around!" First of all, around my household, the event I just described is also known as "Wednesday." And secondly, the reason I hate New Years Eve is because in my experience, drinking and merriment almost never occur on December 31st. Something always goes wrong. Allow me to explain...

When you're a kid, New Years is fine. You ring in the New Year with your parents and a juice box, and go to sleep happy because you got to stay up way past your bed time. But the minute you reach an age where it is now appropriate to make "New Years plans," shit hits the fan. I think my first bad New Years experience dates back to about 6 years ago. One of my family members - who shall remain nameless - convinced me to come with them to a bar to ring in whatever the hell year it was going to be. However, this family member then decided to ditch me (I'm kind of uncool), and I spent the greater part of the evening trying to find them. Once I did find them, they said they'd meet me by the bar "later," and I spent the rest of the evening sitting in a chair off to the side of the bar waiting for them. I tried to make conversation with the people around me, but they were drunk and kept asking me what I did to deserve a time out. It was pretty brutal.

Then there was New Years Eve 2 years ago. My friends from college were in town, and we decided we'd meet up with Daft Funk and some other people and have a "low key" New Years Eve. However, about 3 hours before we were supposed to meet everyone, I decided I'd eat a spinach wrap. Big mistake. I guess something in the wrap wasn't cooked right, because I started to feel lousy, and after about 2 drinks, I threw up all over the bathroom, and Daft Funk had to carry me home because I was so ill. And ever since then, I've had to live with stories of how E-Claire got falling down drunk on New Years Eve 2 years ago. It was food poisoning you jackasses!

Last year's New Years Eve celebration wasn't much better. Our friends invited us to go to some kind of organized event featuring bands and food (I was assured there would be no spinach wraps). However, it was like 75 bucks to get in, and Daft Funk and I couldn't afford it. So we stayed home with a 12-pack of PBR and fell asleep at 12:01am. Oh well, at least I kept my dinner down...

So after a string of bad New Years Eve experiences, I decided that 2008 was the year I take charge. I decided that I was going to throw a party at my house and do things on my terms. I would not be dragged out to bars by family members...I would not get sick...And I would not pay ridiculous amounts of money to watch some one-hit wonder band play while I sipped a watered-down vodka cranberry. Dammit, this year was going to be different! It was going to be drama-free! Well, I was fucking wrong. Even when you throw a party at your own damn house, things go sour. For example, I had initially invited a small handful of people to my gathering (we have a pretty small place), but some of those people took it upon themselves to invite 10 of their closest friends without asking me, and I'm now trying to figure out how to fit 30 people into my living room. Also, people have been asking me "What are we gonna DO at your party?" What? Are we 10 years old again? Do I have to set up party games? I thought that at adult gatherings, you just kind of stood around, drank beer, and talked. Why is this not good enough for my party-goers? Do whatever the hell you want at the party! I'll be drinking whiskey straight from the bottle swearing about how I'm never having another New Years party EVER!

So what is my point in all of this (besides sharing my lame New Years Eve stories)? My point is that I hate New Years Eve because something always seems to go wrong. Somebody gets sick... Somebody gets lost...Somebody complains that you didn't make enough crab dip...Somebody ends up in jail. And if you want to take the hassle out of New Years Eve, sure, you can go to an organized event, but you have to bankrupt yourself in order to do it. So this year, in addition to the Spanish and the swearing, I am resolving to give up making New Years Eve plans. I will stay at home with my Golden Girls DVDs and pretend it's just like any other night. New Years Eve, I'm done with you!!!!!*

*technically, I'll be "done with" New Years Eve next year, because I still have to have my party this year. I'm too lazy to call people and tell them the party's off...