NFL Picks: Week 14

With their local team in dire need of a boost, this week our NFL picks turn an eye to San Diego, with local legend and broadcasting god Ron Burgundy helping out with this week's picks. Without further ado, let's do this thing.

Oakland at San Diego

A lot of people don't know this, but I'm not really a football fan. Sunday mornings are meant for sleeping in after a wild night in the sack with a few luscious ladies.

Pick: San Diego 31, Oakland 9

Jacksonville at Chicago

Chicago's too cold. And boring. And stupid. Jacksonville is in Florida. Florida is full of old people.

Pick: 0-0 Tie

Minnesota at Detroit

Champ told me that Detroit is worse at football than Barbara Walters is at staying out of my pants. Hey-o!!

Pick: Minnesota 57, Detroit -3

Houston at Green Bay

Why must they play all of these games in places where it's too cold to get any kind of erection going?

Pick: Houston 27, Green Bay 24

Cleveland at Tennessee

While I was digging through the newspaper the other day looking for Family Circus, I saw something about how Tennessee just hired themselves a new coach. His wife is a stone cold fox. Good enough for me.

Pick: Tennessee 38, Cleveland 17

Cincinnati at Indianapolis

Ladies and gentlemen, can I please have your attention? I've just been handed an urgent and horrifying news story. I need all of you, to stop what you're doing and listen: Peyton Manning is a douche.

Pick: Indianapolis 42, Cincinnati 6

Atlanta at New Orleans

This Drew Brees is a real man. A man who discovered the wheel and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn. That's what kind of man he is. You're just a woman with a small brain. With a brain a third the size of him. It's science.

Pick: New Orleans 75, Atlanta 45

Philadelphia at New York Giants

That Donovan McNabb doesn't even know the rules of his own workplace? I'm not even mad. That's amazing. Like Bridget Fonda's behind. I want to be friends with that thing.

Pick: New York 17, Philadelphia 14

Kansas City at Denver

Kansas City doesn't have much of an offensive line. I guess having protection doesn't really concern them. Sounds to me like a wild night with your good buddy Ron Burgundy!

Pick: Denver 37, Kansas City 28

Miami at Buffalo

I wanna say something. I'm gonna put it out there. If you like it, you can take it, if you don't, send it right back. I want to be on Bill Parcells.

Pick: Miami 21, Buffalo 17

New York Jets at San Francisco

San Francisco? What do they have that good old San Diego doesn't? That Mike Singletary though...he could rip the arms off a live bear and beat the bear to death with them.

Pick: New York 31, San Francisco 22

New England at Seattle

What do I love? I love...poetry. And a nice glass of scotch. And, of course, watching Bill Belechick lose games. Not going to happen this week though. Seattle...now there's a team the pooped the fridge this season.

Pick: New England 35, Seattle 0

St. Louis at Arizona

Kurt Warner has to face his old team, with many of them still close friends of his. That stadium in Phoenix that I can't be bothered with looking up the name of will sure be a glass case of emotion for this one.

Pick: Arizona 41, St. Louis 14

Dallas at Pittsburgh

Jerry Jones and I used to go chasing tail back in his glory days. My glory days? Still going, brother.

Pittsburgh 21, Dallas 17

Washington at Baltimore

Tony Romo is a whale's vagina. That's all I have to say about him. Good day!

Pick: Baltimore 14, Washington 10

Tampa Bay at Carolina

I don't care about this game. To be honest with you, I'll probably be fornicating. How are you? You look awfully nice today. Maybe don't wear a bra next time. No, I was talking to you. No, not her. I don't know her name. What is it? Lanolin? Lanolin? Like sheep's wool?

Pick: Carolina 20, Tampa Bay 19