I'm A Lousy Californian

I have lived in California for most of my life - I grew up in the Bay Area, went to college in Los Angeles, and now live in San Diego. However, when it comes to being a "Californian," I really suck. Don't get me wrong...There are some ways in which I am a good Californian - I love Sierra Nevada beer, I wear flip flops 9 months out of the year, and one of my most frequently used words is "gnarly." But in most other qualifications, I come up short. So allow me to list the areas in which I fail as a Californian:

1. I don't surf. I really wish I could surf - it looks like a lot of fun. But I can't. I tried to learn a few years ago - but failed miserably. My last experience with surfing involved me falling off the board so many times, that I came to work the following Monday completely bruised from my shoulders to my ankles. It took weeks for the bruises to fade. The sad part was that all of that damage had come from me simply trying to paddle - I hadn't even gotten to the part where you try to get up on the board. I am pathetic.

2. I hate the beach. This is probably the one I get the most crap for. My friends who don't live here always say things like "I can't believe you don't go to the beach! I bet you'd miss the beach if you lived where it snowed 5 months out of the year!" Look - here's a brief history of me and the beach:

• 1998: I laid out too long and ended up with second degree burns on my face. It was so bad, my boss at the sandwich shop I worked at in high school sent me home because I was "grossing out" the customers.
  
• 2000: I give the beach another try - this time while wearing many layers of sunscreen - and still get badly burned. My ankles swelled up so badly, it looked like I had "cankles" for about 2 weeks. Needless to say, I wore pants during those 2 weeks.
• 2007: I give the beach one more try - wearing SPF 30 - and end up sunburned on about 70 percent of my body. I could barely walk. I also got sun poisoning the next day and fainted at a shopping center. An elderly lady ran up and started rubbing aloe vera plant on my skin. God bless her, but the whole experience was humiliating.

So now can you see why I hate the beach?

3. I've never auditioned for anything - ever. The only brush I've had with television is when I went ice skating on the day that a new ice rink opened near the town where I grew up. The local news channel was there, and apparently, I skated by as they were doing their story. My friend called me and said "I saw you ice skating on TV." I have no idea why I didn't get a 3-picture deal out of that...

4. I don't call anyone "bro." Nor do I use the variations of bro, which include "broham," "brohamulus," "broseph," or "brah."

5. I don't play hacky sack. According to Wikipedia, this game originated in Oregon, but it seems like everyone in California plays it. And this is another activity that I tried to participate in - but ended up looking like a jackass in the process. For those of you who don't know what hackey sack is, it's basically a game where you (usually) stand in a circle and kick a little ball around. Sounds simple, right? I know...That's why it makes it even more sad that I cannot grasp this game. Every time I try to play, I miss the ball and usually end up kicking either the person next to me or the air around me. People think this is funny at first, but then they grow annoyed with me. I guess that's why no one asks me to play anymore. E-Claire FAIL.

6. I don't do yoga. I tried it once - and almost threw my back out. Besides, what the hell is the appeal of twisting yourself into a pretzel? I also don't do pilates. I'm scared of pilates.

7. I have never started a web-based business. However, I just learned that "buy my cheap crap dot com," is available. So this might change...