STFU!

I don't mind the occasional abbreviation. I understand that typing "ASAP" in an e-mail is a lot quicker than typing "as soon as possible," and I think abbreviations like "WTF" and "SOL" are cool because they allow me to swear around small children and my parents without actually swearing. However, with the emergence of things like AOL Instant Messenger and text messaging, abbreviations have gotten completely out of control - to the point where I now believe the English language is being completely butchered. The other day while in a store, I overheard a mother ask her child a question. Do you know what the child's response was? It was "i-d-k." Are you serious? We can't even speak in full sentences anymore? We're talking in text speak now? I can only imagine what high school essays must look like now: OMG! "Animal Farm" was so gr8 b/c the animals could talk, but eventually they r not nice 2 each other!" Look...The abbreviations need to stop. No job interviewer is going to be impressed when you state on your resume that you have an "xcellent" work ethic...And I doubt your date will be impressed when you say "B-R-B! I gotta use the bathroom!" So here are a few abbreviations that I believe need to be eliminated...

1. "OMG!" Please. Stop. Using. This. It makes you sound like you're a tween girl who loves "Hannah Montana," scrunchies, and gossiping about boys. Besides, we all know that it stands for "Oh my God," so you're still taking the Lord's name in vain. Shame on you...

2. "FYI." This is an oldie that was probably around long before the text messaging craze. But it still annoys me. Why? Because I believe it's unnecessary. If you write me an e-mail that says "I'm going to lunch at 3pm," I'm still going to react the same way as if you wrote "FYI...I'm going to lunch at 3pm." Those 3 letters don't make any difference to me. I'm not going to think "Oh wow! This is for my information! I should really pay attention to this!" With or without those letters, I'm still going to read the e-mail and think "Why the hell are you telling me about your lunch plans?"

3. "K." So let me get this straight...You really don't have it in you to pronounce/write the "O," too?

4. "Cray Cray." This is often substituted for "crazy," as in "That party last night was cray cray!" I have three problems with this abbreviation: Number one, it has the same number of syllables as the word "crazy," so you're not saving yourself any time. Number two, the phrase actually has more letters than the word "crazy," so you're actually losing time if you type this. And number three, it's stupid.

5. "Natch." First of all, it sounds dirty. And secondly, the abbreviation doesn't make sense when used in certain sentences. For example, you might say "I was hungry, so naturally, I ate some food." But you can't really say "I was hungry, so natch, I ate some food." Well, you could say it...But you'd sound like a giant douche...

6. "LOLZ." What the hell is this? I can appreciate LOL. It's your way of saying "I acknowledge that you just said something funny on AIM, but I'm way too f-ing lazy to type out "that was funny," so you get an LOL." But where the hell does the "Z" come in? Laugh Out Loudz? That doesn't make any damn sense. Or does the "Z" stand for a word? Someone enlighten me. I'm too old for this shit.

7. "L8R" and "GR8." How do I know the Apocalypse is coming? We've starting putting numbers in words. So stock up on water, make sure that bomb shelter is ready, and prepare for a Lions Super Bowl win...

8. "Rents." I don't have 'rents, I pay rent.

9. "IMO." Do you think I'm a complete moron? I know it's your opinion! You're the one who's speaking!

10. "IMHO." What did you just call me?