I want a Boston accent

Being born and raised in California, I was cursed with a lack of an accent. There is a slight drawl to our speech, but its not particularly pronounced and can’t be called an accent.

Accents build character and provide you with a ready made backstory. With no identifiable accent, you could easily be confused with the local jock that has never been out of the county. An accent makes you exotic. People hear it and wonder, “hmm, is that NoDak or Minnesota? I need to find out more.”

Many Americans want an English accent. I certainly understand this. Say for instance you just watched a press conference with George Bush and Tony Blair. What right thinking person wouldn’t prefer to sound like Tony Blair? It sure gets some ladies’ motor running too. I suspect most of these women watch Sex in the City though.

I’ve often wondered which accent would be right for me. While watching The Departed and Good Will Hunting the other night, it hit me: I want a Boston accent.

I know what you’re thinking. “Good lord why? You’ve gone mad.” Nope, I’m dead serious. A Boston accent meets all my requirements.

1. It provides the backstory I mentioned.

When people hear the Boston accent, the question isn’t so much where but why. It is pretty easily identified, so people can move on to the next topic. Why is this guy here? Did he kill a drifter in “Woostah”? Did he run afoul of the Irish mob? Perhaps he is a scout for the Red Sox. The opportunities for elaborate and entertaining lies are endless.

2. It provides instant street cred.

I’m a pretty scrawny guy. I need every advantage I can get in the unlikely event of a street brawl. A thick Boston accent would tell the world I’m possibly a street tough from Southie. We’ve all seen the movies. Those guys from Southie are nuts. Provoked or not, they’ll beat you to within an inch of your life without any fear of retribution. They’re poor downtrodden Irish Catholics and have nothing to lose. You don’t want to fuck with a guy that has nothing to lose.

3. It will arouse women.

The accent in and of itself isn’t particularly sexy of course, but when hearing it, women’s minds will immediately go to Mark Wahlberg. I’m not sure why he “does it” for so many women, but he seems to do OK. In case you didn’t know ladies, that thing in Boogie Nights was a fake. Whatever though. Go with it. When I start dropping my r’s, you’ll start dropping your pants.

4. I will be able to talk to animals.

Talking to animals is more important than you think. Like fending off the street toughs, dialogue with animals could prevent unnecessary attacks. Say you’re in the woods and you see a bear. A non-accented person would have to go the old play dead route and hope the bear moves on. With a Boston accent, you could talk the bear out of the attack by saying kind things about his mother.

5. I will gain political power.

The Kennedy's have made a career wooing the public with their magnificently heavy Boston accents. You may have thought it was JFK's looks or Teddy's tireless efforts on behalf of the working man. No, its the accent. Look at their kids. The ones without the accent don't have big political careers. Poor RFK Jr. can barely speak in a coherent sentence. I can only assume he is so embarrassed about not having inherited his father's gift for speech that he lacks self-confidence.* Californian Richard Nixon (no accent) lost to JFK (accent) in 1960. Case closed.

So yes, for all these reasons and more, I want a Boston accent. How do you like dem apples?

*I, in fact, have nothing but respect for RFK Jr. and hope the rumors of him being appointed head of the EPA are true. This does not change the fact that he is not an eloquent speaker by any stretch of the imagination.

This place is wicked hardcore.