Zambrano Wants More Than Just WS Ring

Thunder Matt's Saloon is pleased to bring you an exclusive interview with Carlos Zambrano. Our own Arcturus caught up with El Toro Loco in the workout room a few days after the Cubs clinched the division.

Carlos Zambrano is standing in the workout room pumping iron clad only in a pair of leopard-skin Speedos. His naked upper torso glistens with sweat and I feel a sudden urge to sing "It's Raining Men." Thankfully, that urge passes. He sees me and nods, doing a few more reps before setting the barbell down. Tossing on some sweats and a gray 2008 Central Division Champions T-shirt, he comes over to greet me. A furious flurry of dap is exchanged before we get down to business.

Arcturus: Congratulations on clinching the division and on your no-hitter, Carlos. That was very impressive.

El Toro Loco: (shrugs): It wasn't that hard, amigo. It was the Astros after all.

A: True. Have you heard any of the talk coming out of Houston about how the scheduling was unfair, that the games should have been played at the end of the season?

ETL: Makes no difference to me. Minute Maid, Miller Park, Wrigley Field. Last week, next week. They still wouldn't be able to touch me, amigo.

A: What about your last start? You went from a no-hitter to coughing up eight runs in less than two innings. What happened?

ETL (scratches his head): Honestly, I've been feeling a little distracted lately. I've always wanted to pitch a no-hitter and I did it, so I'm sort of feeling like 'What's next?', you know?

A: Uh, Carlos, you know the season isn't over, right? What about the playoffs, the World Series?

ETL: Yeah, I'm not too worried about that. I mean, I'll pitch and everything, but baseball is so easy to me. I want a real challenge.

A: You're freaking me out here a little, Carlos. This could be the year and we need you to have your head in the game.

ETL (snorts): What are you worried about? The Mets? The Dodgers? (laughs) The Brewers? Come on, amigo, we got this. I'm thinking about what comes next for me.

A: What do you mean?

ETL (stands and walks over to his locker, opening the door. There are pictures of Michael Phelps and Brian Clay, the decathlon gold medal winner, tacked up. Carlos gestures at them): This is what I'm talking about. The Olympics, amigo.

A (joining him): The Olympics? Are you fucking nuts? What makes you think you can compete in the Olympics?

ETL (taps Phelps's picture): Look at this skinny muchacho. He won eight gold medals, think how many I could win. I'm the Bull, man. (thumps chest proudly, then points at Clay's picture) And this guy says he's the greatest athlete in the world. Bullshit. Carlos Zambrano is the best athlete in the world. I can pitch, I can hit. I can even pitch left-handed. I could have been a soccer star. I even made the other guys look like pussies at Kerry's charity bowling tournament. Fuck Brian Clay.

I notice that there's a certificate in Spanish, printed in gaudy colors hanging just above the pictures of the two Olympians.

A (pointing): What's that?

ETL (Beams with pride): That certificate says I have the biggest polla in Venezuela.

A (frowns): Polla, what's polla?

ETL: Polla. You know, cock, dick, rod, pole, wang?

A: Oh. (frowns again) I thought Ozzie Gullien was the biggest polla in Venezuela.

ETL (laughs, slaps Arcturus on the back): You're fucking funny, amigo.

A: Okay, back to the Olympic thing. You're just joking, right? It's 'Have Fun with the gringo Day', right?

ETL: It's always have fun with the gringo day, but this ain't no joke hermano. I've already agreed to represent Venezuela in 2012.

A: They're as crazy as you are. You know there's no baseball in 2012, right? What events could you possibly be thinking of entering?

ETL: I've got 'em all picked out. Ten events, ten gold medals. First of all, soccer. With me on the team, Venezuela can't lose. I can play striker, I can be the goalie, mid-field, defense you name it. When I play soccer, I'm known as the Zambrano. No first name. Just like Pele, baby.

A: Okay, okay, soccer I can see. But-

ETL (interrupts): Then there's the pommel horse.

A: (stares incredulously): Carlos, they don't make a pommel horse strong enough to support your beefy ass.

ETL (ignoring A): Then there's boxing, shotput, badminton-

A: Badminton? Isn't that a little pussy sport?

ETL: Hey, to be fair most of the Olympic sports are little pussy sports. That's why I, a real athlete, will dominate. Then there's diving-

A: I hate to break it to you, but cannonballs aren't dives.

ETL: We'll see about that, amigo. Then there's kayaking-

A: You kayak? With what, a fucking battleship? You're huge, dude!

ETL: That's what Mrs. Arcturus says about Derrek Lee. (winks)

A: Cheap shot, buddy.

ETL: Couldn't help myself. Seriously, I have a custom kayak. It's got the Venezuelan flag painted on it already, so it's good to go. I may have to cover up the airbrushed portrait of Ismae, though. Although it is the Olympics, they did used to go naked, so maybe it won't be a problem.

A (hiding face in hands): England ain't gonna know what hit it. Go ahead, tell me what else.

ETL: Well, then there's equestrian.

A: Jesus Christ. You're gonna kill some poor horse just so you can win a medal?

ETL: Si. You remember Mo (former teammate Moises Alou) right? He said I can have one of his horses.

A: Carlos, Moises breeds racing horses.

ETL (stares blankly): What difference does it make?

A: You can't use a racing horse for-oh, never mind. Holy shit. That's eight events.

ETL (points at Phelps's picture): I'm taking that skinny punk down in the 200 meter individual medley.

A: Carlos, that's just crazy. There are world class swimmers who couldn't beat Phelps.

ETL: Yeah, but they didn't have my calves of steel, amigo. (slaps his thighs emphatically)

A (sighs): And let me guess, the last event is the decathlon, right?

ETL: You got it. I'm gonna show that punk Clay that I'm the best athlete in the world.

A: I'd rather you just worry about getting a World Series ring.

ETL (claps A on back): You worry too much, amigo. Come on, let's go grab a steak. All this training is making me hungry. I'll buy you an Escalade.

A (perks up): With rims?

ETL: Is there any other kind of Escalade?