Monday Afternoon Hangover: Week 3

Back for the 2008 NFL season, it's the Monday Afternoon Hangover. We'll be recapping all the action from this weekend in the NFL, so pop a couple Excedrin and fight off those beer shits as we get things underway.

Classic NFL. Nothing ever goes as thought. Teams that are supposed to suck beat teams that are supposed to be good. Guys get hurt and drastically alter game plans. We should have a good handle on how things will play out some time late November.

Helping me out today is Chaim Witz who chipped in on several of today's game writeups.

Atlanta 38
Kansas City 14
How is Herm Edwards still employed? The once proud Chiefs have been run into the ground. Christian Okoye's good name is being tarnished. Meanwhile, the Falcons are showing some signs of life. I don't think anyone is shitting their pants when they see ATL on the schedule, but they look like they'll put up a good (dog) fight.

Buffalo 24
Oakland 23
Buffalo struggled for 3 quarters until someone finally reminded them they were playing the Oakland Raiders. JaMarcus Russell threw 3 passes in the second half. 3. THREE. You assholes wasted a first round pick on this clown. Al Davis will have plenty of company in his cold grave as this franchise has already been driven deep into the ground. Meanwhile Buffalo went throwback with their uniforms. An angry OJ Simpson immediately began scoping out random wedding receptions for a new crew to steal back his 'memorabilia'.

Tampa Bay 27
Chicago 24
Charles Tillman wins the "Dipshit of the Week" award for his penalty-inducing altercation with Michael Clayton. Apparently pinning the opposition against their own endzone to force a fourth down in overtime was just too easy. Charles wanted a greater degree of difficulty.

Hooray to Kyle Orton for giving the Bears some semblance of a pass attack. Although some credit certainly has to go to Brandon Lloyd for actually catching the balls thrown to him, a concept that continues to escape Rashied Davis and Greg Olsen.

Minnesota 20
Carolina 10
Gus Frerotte is inserted in at QB and promptly leads the Vikings to their first victory. Playing veteran QB's over young guys is the new black. The NFC is going to be wild this year. Really, the Rams and Lions are the only two teams that you can really say 'suck' and don't have a shot at the playoffs. That's right. The NFC is the new AFC.

Miami 38
New England 13
The Sam Casell Matt Cassel Honeymoon lasted all of one game. New England is handed it first regular season loss since the Cuban Missle Crisis by the Dolphins of all teams. Actually, Ronnie 'No Relation to Bobby' Brown beat the Patriots, almost singlehandedly. Five touchdowns is a real dick puncher. After the game, he was seen mockingly wearing Belichick's sleeveless hoodie.

Obviously this would've been different had Tom Brady played. Brady could've been in full uniform as Ronnie Brown made New England's defense look like idiots.

New York Giants 26
Cincinnati 23
God damn you Cincinnati. I at least give you credit for nearly beating these assholes. This game irritated me on so many levels.

• I just don't get the overall man love CBS and other media heads have for Eli Manning. My only guess is that it's like having the retarded kid take on some big responsibility and we shower them with inordinate amounts of praise regardless if they are doing the job worth a damn. I was able to secure an official statement from Dan Dierdorf who was kind enough to say, "Eli Manning, OMG, skeet, skeet, SKEET!"
• Am I the only one somewhat bothered that the officials didn't review the Amani Toomer tiptoe catch along the sideline? I'm not saying he was out of bounds, but in overtime something as close as that should get a second look.
• At one point, while discussing the Cardinals, Dierdorf made some comment that Ken Whisenhunt obviously didn't care about starting the most talented QB on their team. Pardon my French Dan, but maybe if you got your cock out of Matt Leinart's ass he could've thrown the ball better in preseason. I'm amazed you even had time to service Fatty Matty, what with your busy schedule of fellating Eli Manning.
• /angryrant>
  

Tennessee 31
Houston 12
Houston is the Arizona of the AFC. For a few years now, they've been the trendy 'sleeper pick', but then every year without fail, they suck. Getting beat by the Kerry Collins led Oilers does nothing to reduce that amount of sucktitude. Matt Schaub's ineptitude could usher in a Cyclone rising, with Sage Rosenfels waiting in the wings.

Washington 24
Arizona 17
Watching this game, it was pretty clear that the Cardinals were the better team, but they kept beating themselves because after all, they are still the Cardinals. Kurt Warner and Company couldn't make plays down the stretch and their defense had no answer to Jason Campbell's dinks and dunks. Also of note, judging by the crowd shots, every single Redskins fan is morbidly obese.

Denver 34
New Orleans 32
And old-fashioned shootout this one was. The Saints could've won but Martin Gramatica missed a field goal late in the game. Gramatica still isn't the same since a certain Mr. Romo ruined his chance at glory a few years back.

San Francisco 31
Detroit 13
The 49ers are probably a little better than you think. The Lions on the other hand, are much worse than you think. I say this knowing full well that you already think that they're the worst team in the league. Mad Scientist Mike Martz up to his old tricks again, but unlike his stint in D-town, he might actually have the weapons to pull it off this time. Frank Gore rushed for 130 yards while eating a sandwich and sleeping with your girlfriend.

Seattle 37
St. Louis 13
Another game, another blow out. The Rams. I mean wow. Greatest Show on Turf, where have you gone? This current edition couldn't even pass for 'Mildly Entertaining Yet Ultimately Disappointing Show That Occurs on Turf'. And something about the Seahawks just angers me. They don't really have the long history of douchiness that a team like the Cowboys do, but I still hate them. Maybe it's Matt Hasslebeck. He really seems like he'd be like an intolerable son of a bitch.

Baltimore 28
Cleveland 10
The Ravens suck. Lucky for them the Browns suck even more.

Jacksonville 23
Indianapolis 21
Jacksonville finally gets their first win and the Colts drop to 1-2. Peyton Manning and the Colts offense still doesn't look quite like their usual self. After two dismal showings in the first couple weeks, the Jaguars running game turned it on as Fred Taylor finished with 121 yards rushing to go along with Maurice Jones-Drew's 107.

Philadelphia 15
Pittsburgh 6
Is there any doubt on who the real MVP of the Eagles is? With Brian Westrbook out, the Eagles offense struggled to put points on the board. Luckily for them the Steelers offense had even worse luck scoring as the Eagles defense made Big Ben's life a living hell, sacking him 8 times.

Dallas 27
Green Bay 16
Dallas gets it done in Lambeau. Who the hell is Miles Austin?


The Golden Nutcup Team
Wear it with pride fellas!

QB - Drew Brees, NO (421 yards, 1 TD)
RB - Ronnie Brown, MIA (113 yards rushing, 4 TD plus 1 passing TD)
WR - T.J. Houshmandzadeh, CIN (12 catches, 146 rec yards, 1 TD)
WR - Brandon Marshall, DEN (6 catches, 155 rec yards, 1 TD)
TE - Jerramy Stevens, TB (5 catches, 61 rec yards, 1 TD, humongous douchebag)
DEF - Philadelphia (6 points allowed, 9 sacks, 1 interception, 1 safety, 2 fumble recoveries vs. Pittsburgh)


The Flaming Bag Team
Poop on the shoes, man!

QB - Ben Roethlisberger, PIT (13-25, 131 yards, 0 TD, 1 INT, 2 fumbles lost)
RB - Earnest Graham, TB (16 yards)
WR - Reggie Williams, JAC (1 catch, 11 yards)
WR - David Patten, NO (2 catches, 12 yards)
TE - Ben Watson, NE (1 catch, 6 yards)
DEF - New England (38 points allowed vs. Ronnie Brown)

Monday Night Pick
Jets (+8.5) over the Chargers. Screw you Norv Turner, you make me not know what to believe any more.

God dammit Charlie!