Monday Afternoon Hangover: Week 1

Back for the 2008 NFL season, it's the Monday Afternoon Hangover. We'll be recapping all the action from this weekend in the NFL, so pop a couple Excedrin and fight off those beer shits as we get things underway.

One week down and we're already throwing out everything we thought we knew. Tom Brady is done for the year? The Colts lose bad to the Bears? Miami can score touchdowns? What the hell is going on here?!

N.Y. Giants 16
Washington 7
Brandon Jacobs and Plaxico Burress. Apparently that's all you need to beat the Redskins. The Giants get the win as Eli Manning begins an encore of his emmy-winning performance as the retarded QB that wins the big game.

Atlanta 34
Detroit 21
The "Who Gives a Shit?" game of the week became the Michael Turner Show as the Northern Illinois standout finally broke out on his own and ditched the long-standing title as "LT's backup". It's hard to make too much out of Atlanta's performance. The Lions defense is absolutely horrendous, and with a running attack of Turner and Jerious Norwood racking up over 300 yards, there certainly wasn't much pressure on Matt Ryan to produce.

Not much can be said about Detroit other than Calvin Johnson looks to be legit. Hey Millen, I guess 4th time's a charm huh?

Baltimore 17
Cincinnati 10
Do you hear that? That's the sound of Marvin Lewis' coaching tenure with the Bengals going down the drain. Jesus this team is terrible. When the most interesting news about your team regards your receiver changing his name to Spanish digits (wouldn't Ochenta y cinco be more accurate?) you've got problems. I-AA superstar Joe Flacco wins his first NFL start. While his performance isn't anything to call mom about, it'll be interesting to see if Baltimore can groom the former Blue Hen into a franchise QB.

Buffalo 34
Seattle 10
At least for one week I'm going to toot my horn on picking Seattle to finish last. When looking at all the rosters, Seattle received the Daniel Planview analysis from me. I look at these people and see nothing worth liking.

Meanwhile Buffalo wins with authority, and with the impending doom of Tom Brady's demise in Foxboro, Buffalo fans have to be stoked about the rest of the season.

N.Y. Jets 20
Miami 14
This game struggled to keep my attention as I bounced between this, the Saints/Falcons and the Cubs/Reds (fuck you Chris Dickerson and Jolbert Cabrera!). The desperation heave into the end zone was classic Favre (which would've never happened if Nugent was able to kick a FG). Miami isn't going to set the world on fire by any means, but they do appear to be on their way upward after hitting rock bottom last season.

New England 17
Kansas City 10
Hyperventilating Pats fans should at least be happy they were playing the Chiefs. Had they faced a decent squad, they may not have even won. Meanwhile Jets and Bills fans are rejoicing as the AFC East race just blew wide open.

New Orleans 24
Tampa Bay 20
Underrated: Reggie Bush as a receiver. Only 51 yards rushing is just fine when he can catch 8 passes for 112 yards and one touchdown receiving.

The Saints should have more hurricanes hit their city. It always seems to get them fired up.

Philadelphia 38
St. Louis 3
It's games like these that makes me wonder why on Earth I continue to pick St. Louis to win the NFC West. Jesus they're horrible. The offense couldn't get shit done and the defense had no answers for McNabb and the Eagles air attack. Also how about that DeSean Jackson kid? Did Philly finally get the young stud receiver that Freddie Mitchell never panned out to be? The lesson is, never draft UCLA receivers.

Tennessee 17
Jacksonville 10
Jacksonville struggled to run the ball as Tennessee held the Fred Taylor/Maurice Jones-Drew duo to only 31 yards combined. David Garrard also struggled to get anything going as he was sacked 7 times by a tenacious Titan defense.

Vince Young looked like shit yet again before getting hurt and giving way to Kerry Collins. I'll say it, I'm not impressed with Vince Young. I'd pick him as the most overrated quarterback in the NFL right now if it wasn't for Derek Anderson. Chris Johnson and LenDale White both had 15 carries each, and while White got the TD, Johnson looked more impressive averaging 6.2 ypc compared too White's 2.67. The rookie out of East Carolina is certainly making a case to get the bulk of Tennessee's carries.

Dallas 28
Cleveland 10
Granted there are still questions about his performance in high pressure games, Tony Romo and the Cowboys offense is firing on all cylinders at the start of the season as they dispose of the Browns in rather easy fashion.

Witten, Owens, and Crayton all were on their game, racking up 80+ yards apiece. The Dallas run game also looked tough as Marion Barber and Felix Jones combined for 142 yards and 3 touchdowns. Jones is another rookie RB making some noise already. This could be one of the best rookie RB classes in a long time.

Carolina 26
San Diego 24
Figures. I pick San Diego to win it all and they come out and blow their first game of the year. For whatever reason, everyone wrote off the Panthers in week one as they played without Steve Smith. Whoops. Jake Delhomme managed one helluva last minute drive that culminated in a TD pass to Dante Rosario (who?) with 2 seconds on the clock.

Arizona 23
San Francisco 13
One week in and the NFC West looks just as terrible as ever. First rounders Alex Smith and Matt Leinart sat on the sidelines and watched as Touchdown Jesus and Jim Druckenmiller J.T. O'Sullivan got the starts at QB. San Francisco turned the ball over 5 times as ineptitude won out.

Chicago 29
Indianapolis 13
What the hell? I'll admit, after the dismal finish to the Cubs game, I really had enough disappointment for the day, so I opted not to watch this game. I tune in late in the 4th quarter to see how ugly it was and was stunned to see the score. What the hell happened?

Somehow the Bears channeled some of that 2006 magic. Matt Forte helped them establish a solid ground game. The defense looked tough, and Neckbeard Orton did just enough to get them downfield without completely mucking things up.

This gives me hope. At the very least I feel better about picking the Bears to finish ahead of the Lions.


The Golden Nutcup Team
Wear it with pride fellas!

QB - Donovan McNabb, PHI (361 yards, 3 TD, still black)
RB - Michael Turner, ATL (220, 2 TD)
WR - Hines Ward, PIT (6 catches, 76 rec yards, 2 TD)
WR - Reggie Wayne, IND (10 catches, 86 rec yards, 1 TD)
TE - Dante Rosario, CAR (7 catches, 96 rec yards, 1 TD, who the hell is this guy?)
DEF - Buffalo (10 points allowed, 5 sacks, 1 interception, 1 fumble recovery vs. Seattle)


The Flaming Bag Team
We'll let you decide what you want to do with them.

QB - Carson Palmer, CIN (10-25, 99 yards, 0 TD, 1 INT)
RB - Chris Perry, CIN (37 yards, 1 fumble lost)
WR - Drew Bennett, STL (1 catch, 4 yards)
WR - Torry Holt, STL (1 catch, 9 yards)
TE - Todd Heap, BAL (1 catch, 5 yards and he fucking fumbled it)
DEF - St. Louis (38 points allowed vs. Philadelphia, I'm not so sure they even tackled anyone)

Monday Night Pick
Hooray a twofer on Monday night!
Pick One: Packers (-2.5) over Vikings
Pick Tw0: Broncos (-3.0) over Raiders

Get off the field! You're being selfish!