OVERRATED
Daft Funk - Adrian Peterson: This guy's got some talent, but let's not crown him the next 2,000 yard rusher just yet. Yes, he had an absolute monster of a game against San Diego last season, rushing for a record 296 yards. And he had another 224 against Chicago in Week 6. Don't get me wrong, both were amazing performances, but if you look at the other 12 games AP played in, you get 821 yards, or 68 yards a game. And what did he do in crunch time last year? In the final weeks of the season, which is the playoffs/championship for most fantasy leagues, Peterson had consecutive rushing weeks of 3 yards, 78 yards, 27 yards and 36 yards with only 2 scores. And with Tavaris Jackson being...well, Tavaris Jackson, what's to stop opposing defensive coordinators from sticking 8 guys in the box every time? Remember when Larry Johnson burst onto the scene and failed in his second year because he had nothing resembling a quarterback? Granted, LJ didn't have much of an offensive line either, but still...Adrian Peterson is overrated. He's good, and he'll have a good year, but let's not start clearing off a spot in Canton for him just yet.
Governor Gray Davis - The Jets: Every year the NY media picks the Jets to do something and they promptly shit the bed. This year the Jets hype is worse than ever since they have HRH Favre now. The Jets will fall and fall hard. The only thing keeping them out of the basement will be Miami's total lack of talent.
E-Claire - Brett Favre: Don't get me wrong - he had a good year last year. But let's not forget that he had 2 crappy years before last year. In 2005, he threw more picks than touchdowns, and 2006 wasn't much better. And in both of those years, he ranked near the bottom of the league in quarterback rating. People were calling for him to retire this time last year, and now many are saying Green Bay made a "terrible mistake." Favre is learning a brand new offense with guys he's never played with before. Plus, there's that whole "he's 38" thing. He's never been that mobile of a quarterback, and the Jets' offensive line wasn't exactly "good" last year. Ask Chad Pennington. So I don't know how great "the gunslinger's" gonna be this year. Plus, I have 2 words for you: Madden curse.
Jordi - Tony Romo: The Derek Jeter of the NFL - without the winning to back it up. But I'll gladly take Carrie Underwood off his hands.
Dave Thomas - Instant Replay: I understand the significance of determining if the ball crossed the plane or if a guy was able to get both feet down in bounds with a catch but the networks have gone way too far with this. Coaches are able to challenge absolutely everything and that means I have to sit there and listen to John Madden talk about if the running back's knee/elbow/testicle hit the ground before he "lost control of the football" for 15 minutes before the official comes out to tell me the play stands as called.
Lingering Bursitis - Brett Favre, NY Jets: Gunslinging has an expiration date, and his is coming very soon. Being in a massive media market will only exacerbate the fact that he's clearly clinging to a dream that's slowly passed him by. You don't retire and then come back and expect magic; look what happened to Montana in Kansas City. As if he didn't command enough of the media in a tiny burg like Green Bay.... Mike Vaccaro is going to crawl inside Favre's asshole and rip him apart if he loses more than 5 games with the Jets this season.
UNDERRATED
337 carries, 1,521 yards rushing, 16 TD, 65 receptions, 482 yards receiving, 2 TD. He also averages 1 touchdown pass per season over his career.
Look at that line above. That's an MVP line right there. And LaDanian has averaged that EVERY YEAR HE'S BEEN IN THE LEAGUE! The guy averages over 18 total touchdowns per season!
The scariest thing? It looks like he could keep doing this for another 3-4 years.
The Hundley - College football.
Governor Gray Davis - The Chargers. San Diego should win that horrific division by week 10 or so. Mark it dude, Norv Turner is taking the Bolts to the Superbowl.
E-Claire - Special Teamers: Yeah, you know Devin Hester. But do you know the 10 guys blocking for him that allow him to score? Field position is pretty important, and these guys are a big part of that. Plus, a lot of them are pulling double duty - as they also serve as backup running backs, corners, offensive linemen, etc. I'm sure learning one position in the NFL is hard enough, and a lot of these guys learn to play two. So big ups to Kassim Osgood and the rest of the special teamers.
Jordi - Eli Manning: Ummm ... he did just win a Super Bowl, right? Unlike some other NY quarterback.
Dave Thomas - Halftime Clip Montages: Imagine for a moment that you're an intern and you've been given the assignment of piecing together 30 seconds of hard-hitting action and dramatic play calling from the first half of a game between the Texans and the Dolphins. Impossible, right? More often than not I come back to my seat after warming up my nacho dip and see one of these flashy montages set to the musical stylings of AC/DC light up the screen. This makes me feel like I've seen a pretty good game despite the fact that it's 3-0 and there have been more commercials for pick up trucks and dick medicine than actual game footage.
Lingering Bursitis - Julius Jones, Seattle: Random pick, but who the fuck cares? You're not my mother. Shaun Alexander's departure from the Rainy shores of Washington can only be a good thing for Holmgren and co, considering he was getting a little old and was a couple of seasons removed from his touchdown-scoring madness. His contract was bigger than Bill Gates' mansion, and he was rather underwhelming of late thanks to injuries and hatred of Starbucks.
Meanwhile, down in Dallas, the tiny Texan overlord decided to kick a perfectly good running back out of town because he had a guy with III in his name, which, if we're honest, is perfect for a town of entitlement and dynasties. Shit, Marion Barber III is the 3rd Marion Barber in the Barber family? As good as he is, Jones still has some gas in the tank, and he'll do well for Hasselbeck, taking some of the pressure off the West Coast passing game and benefiting from his rather obdurate offensive line. Seattle's gonna be in a dogfight to make the playoffs, but Jones will put up lovely numbers.
ROOKIE TO WATCH
Daft Funk - Matt Ryan, Falcons: And by "watch" I mean "Watch him be terrible."
The Hundley - Chris Williams, OL, Chicago Bears: I fully expect him to carry the offense on his back. And you can print that, brah!
Governor Gray Davis - I don't give a shit about college football, so I can't name any. Watch whomever the Titans picked for shits and giggles.
E-Claire - Bruce Davis, LB, Pittsburgh Steelers: In his last 2 years in college, he had over 12 sacks per year. Ok, fine. He went to UCLA and I like to follow the Bruin alumni.
Jordi - Giving you the local feed: Geno Hayes: Tampa Bay: Geno was not without controversy in Tallahassee. And now he is back in FL, in Tampa, no less, where more athletes get arrested than any other city (just guessing). Either Hayes turns into the next Derrick Brooks, or he gets arrested in his first year. Let the watch begin.
Lingering Bursitis - Jonathan Stewart, Carolina: The guy was a beast for Oregon, and now that oft-injured slug DeShaun Foster is in San Francisco, Stewart's speed should give him the best shot at snaring the bulk of the RB carries from another oft-injured tap-dancer, Deangelo Williams. It's his job to lose, and Delhomme has such a beastly arsenal of receivers to overthrow to that Stewart will have plenty of running lanes. Easily 1200 yards for this captain of industry, and he'll help the Panthers bounce back into NFC relevancy.
WAR CRIMINAL
Daft Funk - First Round Quarterbacks. What have you done to impress me lately, Alex Smith? What about you, Brady Quinn? Don't think you're getting off easy, Rex Grossman and Philip Rivers. I see you both hiding in the closet.
Governor Gray Davis - Brett Favre. Fuck you.
E-Claire - Matt Leinart. He got hurt last year, but he was sucking before that. The only thing worse than his passer rating of 61 last year? His passer rating of 2.8 during his latest pre-season game. Good thing he was out working hard over the summer. And by "working hard," I mean drinking out of a beer bong with college girls and that dude from 98 Degrees. Kurt Warner, please.
Jordi - Too easy, Brett Favre: for hijacking ESPN coverage, for being "bigger" than the NFL, and for being generally overrated.
Dave Thomas - Brett Favre. Brett. Favre. Brett Lorenzo Favre. Bre. tt Favre. Favre, Brett.
Lingering Bursitis - Tony Romo, Dallas: Fuck this guy. He bangs Jessica Simpson (aka John Mayer's emo semen receptacle), Carrie Underwood, and he's got an embarrassment of riches at his disposal. His job is easy: placate the manic midget Jerry Jones, dodge TO's mood swings, and throw 2 TDs a game to a ridiculous receiving corps. Oh, and hand the ball off to MB3. This guy's a double cunt with a Hollywood smile. HATE
WAR HERO
Daft Funk - Offensive Linemen: These guys are the tough guys, the guys that show up to play every day, ignoring shin splints, busted fingers, twinkies, etc. I'll bet they bring their lunch to the stadium in an actual metal pail.
The Hundley - Brett Favre (ducking rotted heads of lettuce): Is he a douche for playing the Retirement-Go-Round more than Sugar Ray Leonard? Yes. Is he grossly over publicized? Yes. Does he play all of this up? Yes. Is there anyone more exciting/volatile on the field? No. I don't even like the Packers (nor the Jets for that matter), but I always loved watching Favre play.
Governor Gray Davis - Kurt Warner. Is there anyone who takes getting fucked over in stride like Touchdown Jesus? He sets Cardinals franchise records for passing last year in part time duty and has to suffer the indignity of fighting a chubby frat boy with a noodle arm for the job this year. In spite of this, he wants an extension to stay in Arizona.E-Claire - Aaron Rodgers: This isn't so much about his football skills as it is the way he handled the whole Brett Favre saga this offseason. He kept his head down, didn't mouth off to the media, and just did his work. He even let Justin Timberlake hug him at the ESPYs. You go, girl.
Jordi - PacMan Jones and Chris Henry: Despite The Man trying to hold them down, these warriors of the gridiron have returned to bless us with their supreme athletic skills and stellar community efforts.
Dave Thomas - In this post 9/11 world of administrative assistants and "specially abled" students, it's nice to turn on the TV and see the Washington Redskins playing. Set in our nation's capital they proudly take the field in defiance of all things politically correct. Don't let the man keep you down.
Lingering Bursitis - Brian Westbrook, Philadelphia: This guy puts up with a lot of shit. Stingy owners who won't pay him top money for his position (which he really fucking deserves), an enigmatic, perplexing QB who is either injured or promoting awful soup products, wide receivers who couldn't catch malaria if they slept in the Nile for a night, and the advances of just about anyone on the opponent's defense due to him being the only player worth a toss on the Eagles offense.
I feel so bad for him, and yet he still puts up insane numbers, fights off Lisfranc sprains (whatever the fuck those are) and turf toes to STILL score lots of rushing and receiving touchdowns even with 8 men stacked in the box to stop him from doing so.
Even though I wish the Eagles would relocate to the middle of the Pacific Ocean, I still have ridiculous amounts of respect, props and kudos for a guy who keeps his mouth shut and still does his job well. Which is more than can be said for Andy Reid or his sons.
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