Olympic Event Oddities (AKA Proof That I Know Nothing About Other Cultures Or Foreign Lands And What They Do With Their Spare Time)

The other day I was lounging around, doing whatever it is that I do in my spare time (which is usually "not much") and I realized that I really don't have much of a clue about what events actually make up the Summer Olympics. Sure, anyone off the street can correctly identify the bigger events like gymnastics, basketball and the ever popular "Tranny Prostitute Pickup", but beyond that, what is an event and what isn't? Is chess an event or not? What about squash? Lacrosse? Hoggin'? I decided to investigate.

I headed over to the official site of the Olympics just now and found an official list of the actual summer events. As I looked over the list, I became so disoriented that I passed out. Was it the confusion/frustration/cocaine/all three?

Luckily, I came to, and scrawled a few notes on a piece of paper nearby:

• Archery: With that Robin Hood guy running around, I assume England is a powerhouse in this event every year.
  
• Athletics: Ummm...what the hell is this "event" supposed to be? Wouldn't you be able to throw just about all of the events under this category and be done with it? Upon further investigation (i.e. "clicking a link"), I found out that it's actually where they place all the events that we refer to as "Track and Field" in the US of A. Listed among the events? The 20 km walk and the 3000m steeplechase. Which pickup line would get more women? A) "Hi, I run the 3000m steeplechase for the US." or B) "Hi. I'm a professional walker for the US Olympic team." You sir, are going home alone and miserable. It's probably better that way. You've got a long day of...walking to do tomorrow.
• Beach Volleyball: Guess what, landlocked countries? You're already working at a disadvantage. Sure, you may have lakes with beaches to practice on, but it's just not the same. Trust me. I've been researching beach volleyball for minutes now.
• Canoe/Kayaking: No thanks. Next.
• Cycling - BMX: What? This is an actual sport? I just thought it was something Mountain Dew and ESPN made up. Here's a third option for that question I asked earlier: "Hi, I'm representing the US in the Olympics. I ride a bike. No, not a mountain bike. It's one of those small ones that 12 year old spoiled kids have." Nope, still not getting any.
• Football: I predict Peyton Manning will win the gold. Sorry, but unless it's spelled out "futbol" for me, I'm going to assume it's the kind with shoulder pads and Brian Urlacher. And the one with massive use of HGH, much like the rest of the Olympics.
• Trampoline: Are you fucking kidding me? After 25+ years of life on this planet, I'm just learning now that I could have been an Olympic athlete in the event of "Trampoline"? I place the blame soley on the shoulders of my parents for not forcing me to live out their own childhood dreams of being a professional trampolinist/trampolineer/what?
• Hockey: Hockey is for cold weather dumbasses. What? It's field hockey? Someone please tell these people that it's called a "rink".
• Table Tennis: Are the American players in this overrated as well? Or is that just regular tennis?

Over the next 3 weeks, our own Brant Brown has promised to check in and give updates on medal counts and any other Olympic info he deems necessary. For example, did you know that Norway is a powerhouse in Olympic handball?

Additionally, the US is sending over Chaim's Mom as our top ranked hand-baller.