Michael Phelps Will Rape Your Women And Pillage Your Town

"Are you not entertained?!?"

It's undeniable. Michael Phelps is better than you. And not just in the pool. Phelps can run faster than you, jump higher than you, make out with your girlfriend better than you and even calls his mom more often than you call your mom. Hell, he calls your mom more often than you do.

Phelps has competed in 5 events so far. He's won 5 gold medals and set 5 World Records. The highlight, of course, was the relay on Sunday night where the US team ran down the French team from behind in the final legs of the relay and sent them home crying. Honestly, if you watched that relay and didn't get pumped up, pack your bags for Cuba sonny, 'cause you are a Communist. The French swim team had been talking smack all week leading up to the race about how they would crush the Americans in the pool. That's why it was so awesome for the US team to donkeypunch them with the power of Freedom and Liberty and other words that John Mellencamp sings about. French people...always surrendering, except for thee one time they should have.

Other Olympic Thoughts:

• Caught a little but of Handball the other day. If you were to mix basketball, soccer, lacrosse and cocaine, you would get handball. If you haven't seen this sport yet, do so. I felt like I should have been aroused, but I honestly didn't have time. There was too much going on!
• America owns the beach. Remember when Rik Smits shaved his head in 1998 during the NBA playoffs? The top US Men's Volleyball team has a guy that looks just like that and he is the Scourge of the Sand. I just made that nickname up. Feel free to spread the word.
• Our Men's Gymnastics team is just like a fraternity or the guys that work at the local Abercrombie. Without the "elder statesman" Paul Hamm to keep the young dudes in check, they let loose with a barrage of "dude's" and "bro's" and "That's how we take care of business" that knocked the stuffing out of most of the other teams. While China and Japan got gold and silver, the Americans were far more entertaining to watch.

Expect more Olympic updates throughout the week, including Brant Brown with the East German Medal Count.