Tommy Buzanis Takes the Motherland

Though I am a man who knows the United States (and Chaim's mother) intimately, Tommy Buzanis does not like to travel internationally. If there isn't an Outback Steakhouse within 10 miles, Tommy doesn't need to visit. So when I was offered the opportunity to head to London in late May for the U.S. vs. England soccer match at Wembley Stadium, Tommy was understandably skeptical. England? The home of Elton John? Poor dental hygiene? Socialized medicine? This didn't exactly sound like Tommy's cup of tea (no pun intended).

But then Tommy got to thinking...the home of the scotch egg? A general acceptance of binge drinking? Blurred lines of sexuality? Maybe this could work out. When Tommy found out that Virgin Airlines served complimentary cocktails for the entire flight it was good bye New Jersey (and Norma Jean); I was airborne. (As it happens, Virgin Airlines is not afraid to suspend cocktail service if passengers become intoxicated and make jokes about joining the mile high club with Princess Diana - Tommy learned this the hard way.) Anyway, join me on a brief, ale-fueled jaunt across the pond to visit our fore-skinned fore-fathers' motherland.

Tommy and Co. pre-game at Wembley. I originally arrived wearing nothing but an American Flag g-string. Hooligans fear the g-string.

I guess this is a cultural shot. If you ask Tommy, you could get just as much culture at an IHOP in Sandusky, Ohio at 3AM after a two week long bender...but that's just me.

Shortly after this shot was taken, Tommy challenged this knight to a joust. As I was led away I shouted "Freedom" just like my hero Mel Gibson did to the British some 400+ years ago.

Tommy & Co. post game at Wembley

God Save the Queen? More like God Save Queen. England would win the match 2-0 but this didn't stop Tommy from continuously decrying taxation with out representation through out the second half. Tommy also taunted the crowd, loudly explaining that the whole stadium would be speaking German now if it wasn't for Tommy's grandpa who "stormed the beaches at Normandy". (Editor's Note: Tommy's grandpa never served during WWII - he was left home because of his rampant alcoholism).

The crown jewels are housed there...Tommy lets his crown jewels roam free, unburdened from the shackles of undergarments. Editor's Note: Shortly after taking this last photo, Tommy was assaulted by a man named 'Big Ben'. Tommy mistakenly took the man's inquiry as to "where I can find some good bangers and mash" as a sexual come on, which led to fisticuffs and eventually, Tommy being thrown over the bridge into the murky waters below.