The Gist: Game 76

Live from Dempster's Dojo, it's the ESPN Game of the Week. The Chicago Cubs hosting crosstown rivals, the Chicago Black Sox. The Cubs are looking to sweep the trash out of the North side of town while securing their 14th straight home victory. This game will not only get The Gist treatment, but a Drunken Diary as well. Bill Simmons, your check is not in the mail, because you are an asshat. On to The Gist!

5:10: A rainstorm right before the game brought a beautiful double rainbow over the city. I'm also drinking white wine at the moment. You know how I know I'm gay?

5:18: And the first pitch from Dempster is a fastball for a strike. We're underway.

5:19: A single by Cabrera kills the no-hitter. Fans are leaving the stadium en masse. We kid, we kid.

5:20: My doppelganger, A.J. Pierzynski is up. Note that the diary entries will not be this frequent throughout.

5:25: A tailor-made double play ends the top of the first, and the Cubs are coming to the plate.

5:27: Theriot is in the lineup batting eighth, with the undeserving Eric Patterson supplanting him and starting ahead of Murton in the two hole. Weak. Does Patterson have some dirt on Lou? Possibly a homemade porn video of the Piniellas that could leak if Patterson doesn't play?

5:29: Vazquez is wild at the onset, walking Fukudome, who then gets an uncontested steal of second base. Patterson subsequently draws the second walk in as many hitters. None of the 40,000+ in attendence yells "good eye!" to Patterson.

5:32: Lee singles up the middle scoring Fukudome. Patterson follows him to the plate on a Cabrera muff of the relay. None of the other Cubs high-five Patterson in the dugout. Murton stares at Patterson with the passionate hatred of a daughter that has been routinely molested by her step-father.

5:39: Edmonds fouls out to Pierzynski. You say he hit two homers yesterday? I say Edmonds is on notice.

5:42: Geovany Soto. Seriously, we almost don't talk about this enough. What a godsend compared to the six catchers we ran through last year. This is one of the biggest gems of our organization in quite some time. If I knew him, I'd buy him a lemon lime Gatorade for his efforts.

5:46: Nick Swisher is at the plate in the top of the second. I'd like to open this up to a Wrigleyville Roundtable. Nick Swisher: Gay or just Metrosexual? A post will be up later this week.

5:56: Theriot with a broken bat base hit. And the shards of maple stick directly into the ground. Two cheers for maple!

6:09: Peter Gammons does a piece on Ryan Dempster. Dempster has really come a long way back from a blown out arm. I've always been reluctant to trust him, but I must admit now, he's a workhorse and he's proving his worth.

6:11: Patterson draws another walk. He's still not to be trusted, as Murton will attest to.

6:16: Patterson is thrown out trying to steal second. I can't verify it, but I can only assume he was running on his own, and should be sent down to Des Moines for the blatant disregard to Lou's decisions.

6:22: Great play by Ramirez on Jermaine (Allensworth) Dye's sharp grounder, and a great dig out of the dirt by Lee. One down in the top of the fourth.

6:30: Theriot with the base hit is two for two and proving to Lou that this drop to the eighth spot should quickly be erased from our memories.

6:31: Does anyone realize that Wimbledon starts Monday morning? Does anyone care? When was the last time tennis was relevant? I have to assume that the men's final will once again come down to Sampras vs. Agassi.

6:34: Alexei Ramirez hits into the third double play of the night for the Black Sox.

6:35: They cut to one of those Sportscenter updates, where they stroke the ego and cock of Mark Teixeira. So he hit three homeruns today. Big deal. He's no Hard Hittin' Mark Whiten.

6:40: Vazquez hits Fukudome on the arm. Racist.

6:41: Patterson hits a two-run homer. With his first Major League homerun, he is clearly showboating. Ship him back to Iowa.

6:43: Ramirez follows with a much more legitimate homerun. 5-0 Cubs!

7:01: If Joe Morgan gives an opinion, and no one cares, does it really happen?

7:02: By the way, let's hear it for Jim Riggleman getting a job again! I just remember him as the most buff manager ever. He should manage with his shirt off.

7:10: Fuck Joe Morgan. He just said that the Cubs are only strong this year because the National League is so weak. Fuck you Joe Morgan. You also hate Ryne Sandberg. Fuck you and the horse you rode in on. You are a son of a bitch! God forbid the Cubs are actually good, you Reds loving motherfucker. Your allegiances are so tainted. You seriously need to be removed from the booth you fucking old codger. Get out of our lives. Go back to your "Elder's Committee" and continue to fuck over Ron Santo. Seriously you dick. We hate you with every fiber in our god damned bones.

7:16: The vile hatred of Joe Morgan is now tainting my view of the game. All I can hear is the bile spitting out of his mouth.

7:17: I bet if Lee got hit in the head with the next pitch, Joe Morgan would say some incompetent shit like, "well, Lee shouldn't be covering the plate, he's clearly provoking a pitch to the head by trying to raise money for his daughter's charity". Fuck Joe Morgan. He can burn in hell.

7:24: Ramirez hits it to the gap in right center field, knocking in Lee. Fuck you Joe Morgan. In case you hadn't noticed, the Cubs are about to sweep an AL team dickhead.

7:38: Been a while since I expressed my hatred for Morgan. He hates the Cubs, he hates you, and he thinks his children are statistically better than yours.

7:39: Jim Thome with a pinch hit double. The drug addicts and delinquents with criminal records (aka Black Sox fans) rejoice!

7:40: Fresno State and Georgia meet in the finals of the College World Series? Joe Morgan just said that neither of those teams are as good as the Big Red Machine.

7:47: Dempster the Iron Man, batting for himself in the ninth, going for his second complete game in a row. Almost unprecedented in this day and age of weak pitching staffs. Best pitching staff ever? Any pitching staff on a Joe Morgan team.

7:54: Patterson with an infield hit, and he scores on Lee's double off the bricks. 7-1 Cubs.

8:02: Lou come out to the mound to pull Dempster in the ninth. Morgan states that Dempster wouldn't have even been good enough to pitch out of the bullpen for the Big Red Machine. Fuck you again, Joe Morgan.

8:08: Jon Miller tells us that Wrigley Field no longer allows brooms into the stadium if a sweep is iminent. Fascists.

8:10: Groundball by Alexei Ramirez. Ballgame over. Go Cubs Go! Go Cubs Go! The Black Sox and Joe Morgan are out of our sight, at least until next Sunday, when they're the ESPN Game of the Week again. See you next week from the relatively new Comiskey.

Joe Morgan is still an asshole.