The Governor's 2008 NBA Playoff Preview

The NBA playoffs are almost upon us, so in order to save you the time and angst of watching the games, I'm going to let you know how its all going to play out. Unfortunately Manute and Mugsy aren't around anymore, but all your favorites like Chris Bosh (who?), Zydrunas Ilgauskas (who?), and Joe Johnson (who?) are in the thick of things this playoff season. Since we don't know the final seedings yet, here are how the 16 playoff teams should be ranked:

Eastern Conference

1. Boston - I almost made a bold prediction that the Garnett trade would screw them because they no longer had a bench. Good thing I didn't. The Celtics rolled to the NBA's best record of 65-16. Since the East is kind of a joke, they'll probably continue to roll until the finals where they will run into a Western Conference buzzsaw.

2. Detroit - If anyone can give Boston a challenge in the East, this is the team. Their mind numbingly boring brand of basketball will make even the most ardent fan cringe.

3. Orlando - The Magic won 50 games for the first time since Shaq and Penny Hardaway were in town. This year's team was led by such household names as Dwight Howard and Hedo Turkoglu. Look for a 1st round win and then a hasty exit from the playoffs.

4. Cleveland - The Cavaliers would have missed the playoffs in the West and yet they're the fourth seed in the East. That tells you everything you need to know about the Eastern Conference.

5. Washington - Manute's former team will finish 2 or 3 games above .500 which is good enough to earn the 5th spot in the Eastern playoff race. They have no business being in the playoffs at all. Cleveland will sweep.

6. Toronto - I periodically forget there is an NBA team in Toronto and I'm sure I'm not alone here. I had never heard of a Raptor until I saw Jurassic Park. Did you know they're smart and can open doors?

7. Philadelphia - At best, the 76ers will finish at .500. I just looked at the roster and didn't recognize any names, so I'll just move on.

8. Atlanta - Finally we arrive at the bottom of the barrel. The Hawks are currently 6 games under .500 but instead of a lottery pick, they get to face the Celtics in the first round. While the ultimate upset would be sweet, I wouldn't hold my breath.

Western Conference

1. Utah Jazz - The Knicks have Spike Lee, the Lakers have Jack Nicholson, and the Jazz have the new Mope Thomas S. Monson. The Jazz are virtually unbeatable in Salt Lake City, losing only 4 games at Energy Solutions Arena all year, so one road win in each series should be enough to get them through the playoffs. The best trade you never heard about? Gordon Giricek for Kyle Korver.

2. Phoenix Suns - Amare Stoudemire, Steve Nash, and Shaq...sure they have a flakey playoff history, but those three are going to make any series tough. Interesting fact: Grant Hill, who most people probably thought was out of the league, led the team with an average of 0.9 steals per game.

3. San Antonio Spurs - Like herpes, these bastards just won't go away. Everyone on their roster is despicable, but I think we can all agree Tony Parker is the worst of the worst. Have you heard his French rap? Christ...

4. New Orleans Hornets - Who is responsible for this? This team isn't supposed to be good. I don't think the people of New Orleans know how to deal with a good team. They certainly have no experience with the Saints. They haven't exactly been on fire recently, but will probably be tough in the playoffs.

5. Houston Rockets - Losing Yao Ming didn't seem to hold the Rockets back much which only solidifies his distinction as the most overrated player in the NBA. For reasons I can't articulate, I've always hated Tracy McGrady. If I were playing against the Rockets, I would totally throw an elbow at that son of a bitch.

6. Denver Nuggets - They just slipped in the playoff picture last night, round about the time Carmello Anthony threw back his 10th seven and seven before telling the bartender he was OK to drive. That didn't really work out. Something else that didn't work out? The Allen Iverson trade. How do you pick up one of the best players in the NBA and get worse?

7. Dallas Mavericks - On paper, they look good. Certainly better than the 7th best team in the west. As the cliche goes though, they don't play the games on paper. If you want to throw some money away, put some money on the Mavs to do something the playoffs. You could also throw some cash away on a Rick Astley '88 World Tour t-shirt from the Saloon store. I'd go with the 2nd option.

8. Los Angeles Lakers - Did you know Kobe Bryant is the biggest douche in the history of mankind? Of course you did. Just when you thought he couldn't get any douchier, he started that god damn jersey popping thing this season. Also, I think Pau Gasshole's visa may have expired. I'm calling INS.

The Finals

After all is said and done, the Utah Jazz will defeat the Boston Celtics in the NBA finals 4-2.