Underrated/Overrated: Condiments Edition

Underrated

Ranch: How can you not love ranch? In fact, now that I think about it, Ranch probably isn't underrated. It's probably rated about where it should be. Remember in college when you would go buy 5 Jack's frozen pizzas for $10 and then dip each slice in ranch? What? You still do that? You son of a bitch. You probably also listen to Babyshambles.

Sour Cream: Or as I call it, 'Mexican Ketchup'. I love shoving this milky white cream sauce in my mouth.

Salsa: Good for you and good to eat. But let the record show that not all salsas are created equal. The best salsas are chunky with a smoky flavor and just enough spiciness to make your weiner tingle. The rule of thumb is go with the smaller, more obscure brands or even the homemade shit in your grocers deli area. If you consider 'Tostitos' to be the cream of the crop, well then I have news for you. You are a fucking idiot.

Sauerkraut: Pussies need not apply. Nothing beats abusing a foot-long brat with this cabbage-y bullshit and then rubbing the leftovers on your hot, sunburned chest. Wash it all down with a hearty German ale and then go karate chop a stack of 2x4"s in half.

Mustard (Yellow): I hate getting mustard stains on my clothes (think: crotch area) but Sweet Baby Jesus does it taste good going down my esophagus. This, not ketchup, should go on a hot dog. Also goes well on both turkey and ham sandwiches and can be used as an alternative 'dipper' to ranch, especially for tater tots.

Guacamole: One could argue that guacamole has almost reached the tipping point and is becoming overrated. This is bullshit.

Coming from Iowa, no one eats guacamole. 'What should I put on my tortilla chips?' asks the man in the straw hat and Hawkeye Starter jacket. Looking confused and smelling of gin, he grabs Tostitos Salsa (Mild) and a jar of Cheeze Whiz. To Iowans, guacamole is about as exotic as people of color or cable tv.

To clarify, the stuff I am endorsing is not the toxic looking pre-made stuff you find sitting next to the potato salad at Hy-Vee. No friends, I'm talking about the good shit. Homemade, or at a restaurant made table side. In 2004 I gave up 'raising the roof' for Lent. Unfortunately during this period I was introduced to table side guacamole. Roofs were immediately raised. I punched our waiter in the chest and pinned him down until he gave me the recipe. In 2004, I spent 3 nights in jail. My cellmate smelled of steak sauce and Marlboro Reds.

Overrated

Ketchup: The granddaddy of condiments remains one of the most overrated. Put in on a hamburger maybe but that's it. Fries? You clearly aren't a potato purist. That is almost as sacrilegious as putting gravy on homemade mashed potatoes. If anything, dip your fries in ranch and call it a day. Ketchup on a hot dog? Uh, North Korea called and they want to know if you've stolen America's nuclear blueprints yet.

Pepper (on salads): "Would you like some fresh ground pepper on your salad?" Hmmm...I don't know. Would you like my fucking fist in your face?

Mayonnaise: Oooh, I have a better idea. How bout' I just find a doctor that will perform a preemptive triple bypass on me right now?

Vinegar: What the fuck am I supposed to do with this? Seriously. It smells bad. Vinegar, what purpose do you serve? I once had a dream that I was on Kid Rock's tour bus and he was dipping his fries in vinegar. We became engaged in a heated argument over this act of defiance and it ended with me getting kicked off the bus and having to hitch a ride back into town.

Steak Sauce: Unless you are ordering a steak from Bonanza, using steak sauce is pretty much inexcusable. You either don't know how to cook a steak properly or have Down Syndrome. A good steak doesn't need any sauce. Jesus. This infuriates me. If the restaurant you are at even has steak sauce on the premises you should immediately leave said premises shouting, "I wouldn't eat here anyway."

Here is a helpful analogy for all the horny men (and lesbians or curious co-eds) out there...Eva Mendes comes up to you, fully naked. She wants to pump. She smells flowery. But then you say to her, "Hmmm...you know this is gonna sound really weird, and I don't want things to get awkward or anything...(cough)...but uh, could you just put on this Barbara Walters mask while we pump? I know, I know, it sounds weird but it's just my thing. Trust me, I'm a much better lover if you'll just wear this. What? It doesn't really matter where I got it, now does it? Just put it on. Please. Wow. This is taking too long. Boner. Gone. I'm out. I wouldn't eat here anyway."

Ketchup is the work of the devil.