Sorry we're a day late. Mel insisted on taking a day off to honor his fellow veterans. When I explained to him he's from Australia he snapped back with, "Have you not seen 'We Were Soldiers'? 'Lethal Weapon'? 'Air America'?" Touché Mel, touché.Philadelphia 33
Washington 25
McNabb was on his game, but more importantly so was Brian Westbrook, as he's the real MVP of this Philly team. Of course I'm sure Donovan will take all the credit for the win. Tune in next week when McNabb struggles against the hapless Dolphins and proceeds to throw his team under the bus yet again.
Jacksonville 28
Tennessee 13
Vince Young actually had to throw the ball for once, as the Tennessee run game was brought to a standstill. Unfortunately for the Titans, Vince Young had to throw the ball, something that wouldn't be considered his strong suit. Thankfully for the Jags, the Quinn Gray Experience looks to be over as David Garrard comes back next week.
Northern Iowa 68
Indiana State 14
Just thought you'd like a little update on the best college football team in Iowa. The UNI Panthers ran the table in the Gateway Conference and with one game left against a weak Southern Utah, look to go undefeated and make another run in the playoffs. Go Panthers.
Pittsburgh 31
Cleveland 28
This was a tale of two halves for Cleveland. The offense looked good in the first half, taking a 21-9 lead. But someone must've forgot to tell them to come back out and play the second half. The Browns only score after halftime was a 100 yard kick return by Joshua Cribbs.
St. Louis 37
New Orleans 29
So much for New Orleans feel-good moment. Time to get back to trashing them. St. Louis leaves the ranks of winless teams as their offense was finally on track. Bulger threw for 302 yards and Steven Jackson was able to make an impact, rushing as well as passing for TD's. Brees threw 2 picks and Reggie Bush got knocked out.
Buffalo 13
Miami 10
Cleo Lemon and the Dolphins, keeping the 0-16 dream alive. In other news, Buffalo is terrible.
Denver 27
Kansas City 11
It was pretty much do or die for Denver this week, as they managed to take down the Chiefs. KC, without Larry Johnson to dump the ball to was barely functioning on offense. However it appears that Dwayne Bowe may actually be the first decent wide receiver the Chiefs have had since Otis Taylor.
Green Bay 34
Minnesota 0
I don't care about Detroit's record, hand the NFC North crown to Green Bay. Favre continues to throw like he's 27 instead of 67, and it appears that with Ryan Grant, they may actually have a discernible run attack as well. Also I want to thank all the media outlets for absolutely gushing all over Adrian Peterson last week, which all but ensured this knee injury was going to happen.
Atlanta 20
Carolina 13
Nobody wins when teams this bad play each other. How is Morten Andersen still alive and kicking in this league? More importantly, are competent kickers that difficult to come by that teams have to rely on 47 year old Danish guys? When Andersen made his NFL debut, fellow kickers Mason Crosby, Nick Folk, Robbie Gould, Shaun Suisham, and Stephen Gostkowski weren't even born yet.
Cincinnati 21
Baltimore 7
The Governor's prediction of the Ravens losing 10 games is still on track with this turd sandwich they delivered. The Bengals put up 21, so let's see who scored those 3 touchdowns. What? Shayne Graham kicked 7 field goals? Jesus! Shame on all of you.
Chicago 17
Oakland 6
Even as the Bears looked helpless in the 4th quarter staring at a 6-3 deficit, I felt calm. After all it is the Raiders we're talking about. Minutes later, Sexy Rexy found Berrian deep for the touchdown, and all was right in the world again.
Dallas 31
New York Giants 20
Yet again I find myself rooting for Dallas. What the hell is going on? I feel about as clean as Pete Doherty's undershirt after a 3-day coke binge. I guess my hatred of the Cowpokes has subsided a bit the last couple years. Tom Coughlin has held on to this coaching gig way longer than he rightly should. He's become the new Wayne Fontes.
Arizona 31
Detroit 21
It's a battle of the Bible Beaters. Not only did the Sultan of Stubble prove he loves Jesus more than Jon Kitna, but he could throw more touchdown passes as well. Kitna lost two fumbles as well as threw two picks to the Devil Karlos Dansby. Also I haven't professed my hatred of Mike Furrey lately, so here's a hearty F.U. to that ass clown.
San Diego 23
Indianapolis 21
My reaction to this game was not unlike the guys in "Bachelor Party" after they watch the porno movie that had all the dirty scenes cut out. What the fuck was that? Peyton throws 6, count 'em 6 interceptions as the Colts drop their second straight game. But the Chargers offense did very little to deserve that win. Rivers threw 2 picks and no TD's and LT was held to just 3.6 yards per carry. If it weren't for Darren Sproles' two returns, the Colts would've escaped with the ugliest win I've seen in quite a while, and I watch the Bears every week for Christ's sake.
Seattle 24
San Francisco 0
I didn't watch this game at all. There were no real fantasy implications for me, and outside of the earth opening up and swallowing Qwest Field, I could care less about these teams. All the news about Dick Nolan's death aside, the 49ers look absolutely miserable. I think you could argue that Oakland is the better Bay Area team at this point. Alex Smith has a QB rating of 57.2, worse than Vince Young and Cleo Lemon.
The Golden Nutcup Team
Wear it with pride fellas!
QB - Donovan McNabb, PHI (251 yards, 4 TD, all of the credit)
RB - Brian Westbrook, PHI (20 carries, 100 yards, 5 catches, 83 yards 3 TD)
WR - James Thrash, WAS (5 catches, 85 yards, 2 TD)
WR - Terrell Owens, DAL (6 catches, 125 yards, 2 TD)
TE - Jeremy Shockey, NYG (12 catches, 129 yards, 1 TD)
DEF - San Diego (15 points allowed, 2 sacks, 6 INT)
The Flaming Bag Team
Don't put them out with your boot, Harold!
QB - Peyton Manning, IND (6 INT, How often do we get to throw a flaming bag at Peyton?)
RB - Jamal Lewis, CLE (16 carries, 35 yards, 1 fumble)
WR - Steve Smith, CAR (Weeps each night as he stares at his jersey on a hanger with a Delhomme jersey over top of it. "Jake, I swear.")
WR - Darrell Jackson, SF (1 catch, 4 yards, used to be good)
TE - Antonio Gates, SD (3 catches, 26 yards, 100's of fantasy managers wishing they weren't so stupid to have picked a TE in the second round)
DEF - Minnesota (34 points allowed)
Monday Night Pick
I like Seattle. I bet they shutout the Niners.
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