Monday Afternoon Hangover

What a crazy weekend. Mel's still drunk and can't seem to get out of the ill-fitting Nacho Libre costume he wore to Saturday's Halloween party. On to Week 8!

New York Giants 13
Miami 10
If the NFL wants to spread the game internationally, perhaps they should send teams that aren't completely inferior to showcase to the rest of the world. I can't imagine we converted any Brits over to our version of football with the craptastic display Eli and company put on against Miami. The Dolphins keep there winless streak going. Screw the Colts & Patriots undefeated records. I find the Dolphins-Rams winless streak much more intriguing.

Tennessee 13
Oakland 9
I feel bad for the poor SOB that got stuck watching this game. The Titans managed a whopping 218 yards of total offense and still somehow won. Credit goes to their defense who sacked Culpepper 5 times and forced 3 turnovers.

Cleveland 27
St. Louis 20
The Rams seemed ready to break their losing streak against the Browns. Marc Bulger and Steven Jackson both started, and Rams fans got a glimpse of what this offense is capable of when both are healthy. Of course that only lasted for a couple quarters. Jackson left in the second quarter, and Bulger left in the third. Meanwhile Derek Anderson rallied the Browns with 3 touchdown passes. Derek f'n Anderson people. The man is second only to freak of nature Tom Brady with 17 TD passes and he's currently 6th in the league in QB rating.

Philadelphia 23
Minnesota 16
Just like us Bears fans, Minnesota fans have to be pondering what it must be like if their team actually had a competent QB running the show. Kelly Holcomb put on a nice illusion of one for a little while, but then he got dropped on his head, which made way for Brooks Bollinger, who continued the QB charade.

Pittsburgh 24
Cincinnati 13
You know what? Cincinnati Bengals, not very good. The Steelers had no problem containing the wily band of criminals. At least their losing ways have all but put a stop to Chad Johnson's mental retardation in the endzone. Yep, Ochenta y Cinco has been mighty quiet this season.

Indianapolis 31
Carolina 7
You know who else isn't very good? The Panthers. How are they 4-3? If you really have to rely on Rasputin Testaverde and Emo Gloves Carr as your QB options, wouldn't you just be better served forfeiting the rest of your games? Apparently the Colts didn't receive the memo about this until the second half.

Detroit 16
Chicago 7
My lawyer is contacting Brian Griese to demand he give me those 3 hours of my life back. Jesus, can we just play Neckbeard Orton at this point? At least when he trows a terrible pick, we can assume he's drunk. Also I did some research and I think I may have discovered something. Jon Kitna has no offensive line protecting him. I know it appears like there is one, but it's all an illusion. How else can you explain his league-leading 32 times sacked? That comes out to roughly 4.5 sacks a game. Trent Green just had a seizure thinking about it.

Buffalo 13
New York Jets 3
Just when you thought you couldn't go more rock bottom than Tennessee/Oakland, here comes the Bills/Jets game. Both teams struggled mightily on offense. Eventually both Trent Edwards and Chad Pennington were out of the game as J.P. Losman and Kellen Clemens took over. Losman flourished, Clemens, not so much. In the end, the Bills came out as the big winners, as did the Jet fans who left at halftime to beat traffic.

San Diego 35
Houston 10
I refuse to acknowledge the Chargers' recent success. I still stand by my prediction that they will miss the playoffs. Instead I'll give you a factoid. Sage Rosenfels is currently the only active NFL quarterback enshrined in the Jewish Museum Sports Hall of Fame. His name will forever be mentioned alongside such sports legends as Marty Hogan and Brad Ausmus.

Jacksonville 24
Tampa Bay 23
The Jaguar D took Jeff Garcia to the bathhouse, picking him off 3 times including a 28 yard return for a touchdown by Aaron Glenn. After the game Garcia said, "It was just a bad day. I just need to shake it off and move on. I'll go home to my lovely Playmate beard- uh wife, I mean wife! Beard? Why would I say that? (nervous laughter) Weird!"

New England 52
Washington 7
This is getting ridiculous. I just imagine the scene in Karate Kid III when Daniel's being forced to constantly punch the wooden dummy thing.

Bill Belichick: [at the climax of Tom Brady's training] Visualize: this is not a bunch of sticks and pipes anymore; this is not some pathetic mugger who needs a couple of dollars so he can eat. No! This is a deadly, hungry wrecking machine who wants to detatch your head from the rest of your body and mount it over his fireplace!
[Brady gashes his fist on the 2X4 with the Redskins' logo]
Belichick: It's blood. So what? Make believe it's HIS! This guy wants to BREAK you! HUMILIATE you! STOMP YOU INTO THE GROUND! NOW WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT?
Tom Brady: ...NAIL HIM!
Belichick: SHOW ME! DO IT!
[Brady breaks all three 2X4s]
Belichick: YES! You nailed him! You're ready!

Wow, by the way, if you needed any reminder of how incredibly awful Karate Kid III was, just go read the memorable quotes section on it's IMDB page. No way you come away from that not feeling dumber for having read it.

New Orleans 31
San Francisco 10
Hey, after beating a mediocre Seattle team, a horrible Atlanta team, and now a miserable San Francisco team, the Saints are obviously back on track! Hey Fox, CBS, ESPN, and the like. Let's keep the superlatives to a minimum until they beat a team worth a damn. If they can take down Jacksonville next week, then we can talk a little.

The Golden Nutcup Team
Wear it with pride fellas!

QB - Tom Brady, NE (Wow, no shit?)
RB - Joseph Addai, IND (23 carries, 100 yards, 2 rushing TD, 1 receiving TD)
WR - Marques Colston, NO (8 catches, 85 yards, 3 TD)
WR - Braylon Edwards, CLE (8 catches, 117 yards, 2 TD)
TE - Antonio Gates, SD (3 catches, 92 yards, 2 TD)
DEF - San Diego (10 points allowed, 1 sack, 4 INT, 1 fumble recovery, 2 TD)

The Flaming Bag Team
Don't put them out with your boot, Harold!

QB - Kellen Clemens, NYJ (5-12, 67 yards, 2 INT)
RB - LaMont Jordan, OAK (12 carries, 16 yards)
WR - Marty Booker, MIA (3 catches, 31 yards, 1 fumble)
WR - Laveranues Coles, NYJ (1 catch, 13 yards)
TE - Desmond Clark, CHI (1 catch, 11 yards)
DEF - Washington (46 points allowed)

Monday Night Pick
I'm excited just for all the fantasy implications this game has for me tonight. Otherwise I could care less. I don't even like either team's chances that much to pick one. I'm predicting a 6-6 tie, and I'm setting the over/under for number of times Kornheiser makes a "He's on my fantasy team" joke at 2.5.