Monday Afternoon Hangover

It's Week 7. Grab another cup of coffee and shake off that last can of Foster's you had last night, as we look at this week's scores and try to comprehend how the Bears can look like shit on offense all game, but then magically march 97 yards down the field with under two minutes left to win the game. Fellow bartender Daft Funk was good enough to help out with this week's recaps.

Detroit 23
Tampa Bay 16
Wow, first off, I just wanna apologize to whoever I pissed off that caused them to put this game as my only noon game option on TV yesterday. The Buccaneers should've won this game except Garcia kept fumbling. Insert joke here about Garcia not knowing how to handle his balls.

Tennessee 38
Houston 36
Good lord. This game was just ridiculous. Tennessee heads into the 4th quarter with a comfortable 32-7 lead, only to watch Houston go on a ridiculous 29-3 run. Then Rob Bironas squashes the amazing comeback with a game-winning FG in the final seconds. A special shoutout to Sage Rosenfels who threw 3 interceptions thus making me not feel like a complete douche for starting the Tennessee defense this week.

New England 49
Miami 28
This score does no justice as to how big of an ass clobbering this game really was. 42-7 at halftime? Miami scored 21 garbage time points in the fourth quarter to make it appear like they remotely had a shot.

New York Giants 33
San Francisco 15
Hey remember when everyone was picking San Francisco as their sleeper team this season? Trent Dilfer lost two fumbles and threw two interceptions as the Giants lucked their way into another victory.

Washington 21
Arizona 19
Kurt Warner and his robot arm did everything they could to win one for the Cards, but Neil Rackers' ineptitude kicking the ball cost them. After the game Warner confronted Rackers, gave him a cold, dead stare, and said, "missed extra points make baby Jesus cry."

New Orleans 22
Atlanta 16
Just when Atlanta fans are content with not seeing Joey Harrington on the field anymore, Byron Leftwich gets hurt and lo and behold, old Joey is back on the field, treating everyone to his underwhelming play.

Buffalo 19
Baltimore 14
Buffalo's D gets a big chunk of the credit here, as they stopped Baltimore on a critical 4th down late in the game to secure the win. The Bills move to 2-4 and further secure a spot for second place in the AFC East ahead of the 1-6 Jets and 0-7 Dolphins.

Kansas City 12
Oakland 10
For those of you scoring at home, the Chiefs are in first place in the AFC West right now. I just blew your mind, didn't I?

Cincinnati 38
New York Jets 31
Did anyone else see the Sunday Conversation on ESPN where Keyshawn Johnson interviewed Chad Johnson? I swear that Keyshawn Johnson is the only person in the Universe that can sit and have a conversation with Chad Johnson and make the guy who refers to himself as "Ocho Cinco" seem like he has a better idea of what's going on.

Dallas 24
Minnesota 14
When did Kyle Orton turn black, get traded to the Vikings and start calling himself Tavaris Jackson? This guy completed 2 passes in the first half…and the Vikings were winning. Further proof that the NFC is 20 kinds of awful.

Chicago 19
Philadelphia 16
Before the game, Donovan McNabb said that the road to the NFC East Championship still goes through Philadelphia. Apparently, every other team in the NFC is perfectly fine with using that road and going straight through Philly's defense.

Seattle 33
St. Louis 6
If ever there was a time that the Bears could trade Rex Grossman to a team that desperate for a quarterback, that time is now and the team is St. Louis. Hell, they should just bite the bullet and sign Jeff George now.

Denver 31
Pittsburgh 28
I don't care about either of these teams. Denver is boring. Pittsburgh is boring. Come grab me when a Steeler gets hit by another car.

The Golden Nutcup Team
Wear it with pride fellas!

QB - Tom Brady, NE (354 yards, 6 TD)
RB - Kenny Watson, CIN (31 carries, 130 yards, 3 TD)
WR - Wes Welker, NE (9 catches, 138 yards, 2 TD)
WR - Laveranues Coles, NYJ (8 catches, 133 yards, 2 TD)
TE - Heath Miller, PIT (5 catches, 50 yards, 2 TD)
DEF - Seattle (6 points allowed, 7 sacks, 3 INT, 2 fumble recoveries)

The Flaming Bag Team
Don't put them out with your boot, Harold!

QB - Marc Bulger, STL (3 INT, 2 fumbles, at least Frerotte threw TDs)
RB - Travis Henry, DEN (17 carries, 51 yards)
WR - Patrick Crayton, DAL (2 catches, 19 yards, 1 fumble)
WR - Jacoby Jones, HOU (3 catches, 11 yards, 1 fumble)
TE - Quinn Sypniewski, BAL (4 catches, 33 yards, 1 fumble)
DEF - Atlanta (22 points allowed, 0 sacks)

Monday Night Pick
Peyton has been good but not great. Jacksonville can stop the run with the best of them, which will force the Colts to the air. Wait, that's a bad thing for Indy? Pick the Colts. Manning always shows up for Monday Night games. Seriously, he's in every commercial.