Monday Afternoon Hangover

Mel's back and so are we with another rousing edition of the Hangover.

Houston 22
Miami 19
Houston wins again, further making a mockery of Daft Funk's ill-fated 0-16 prediction. It was a real kicker's duel, which always makes for exciting football. In the end Kris Brown edged out Jay Feely, 5 field goals to 4. The good news for Houston fans, their team is now 3-2. The bad news, they're still in last place in their division.

Jacksonville 17
Kansas City 7
All I know is, Kansas City, not very good. Fantasy owners everywhere were pissed when the Chiefs scored a last minute TD, thus negating any shutout points they would've received with the Jacksonville D.

New England 34
Cleveland 17
More of the same from the Pats. I really don't like New England at all, but their play has me reacting like Ron Burgandy does with Baxter. "You've scored 34+ points and have beaten your opponents by at least 17 points in every game so far, and you ate the whole wheel of cheese? You know what, I'm not even mad, that's amazing!"By the way, what business does Junior Seau have not just playing but still making huge plays on defense? Maybe someone can research this, but is he the last guy still playing in the NFL that was on Tecmo Super Bowl for Nintendo?

Carolina 16
New Orleans 13
Yep, the Saints still suck. It was also announced that Jake Delhomme is done for the year, so Carolina fans can look forward to David Carr the rest of the year. Oh wait David's a little banged up too, so, um is Chris Weinke still around? How old is he now? 40?

New York Giants 35
New York Jets 24
It's hard for the Giants to quit on their coach when they keep playing shittier teams. Brandon Jacobs came back and racked up 100 yards and Eli Manning was able to keep his retardation subdued long enough to throw two touchdowns and lead the Giants over their in-town rival.

Pittsburgh 21
Seattle 0
Congratulations to the NFC West, our early pick for shittiest division in the NFL. If there was any year for Arizona to win it, it's now.

Arizona 34
St. Louis 31
Rams fans were happy to see their team finally scoring three TD's. Unfortunately though, they had Gus Frerotte throwing a pick for every touchdown. Oh yeah, also Matt Leinart got jacked up, making way for the "Football Jesus", Kurt Warner to take this team into the playoffs. Oh Matt, that'll teach ya to do commercials with the Manning family. No good can come from something like that.

Tennessee 20
Atlanta 13
Only one offensive TD all game. I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that no way could this game have been fun to watch.

Washington 34
Detroit 3
Washington manhandled Detroit this week. Early lines for Week 6 have the Lions 3 point underdogs to the bye.

San Diego 41
Denver 3
Obviously tired of the Saloon making cracks at him, Chargers coach Norv Yushchenko rallied his troops against a down and out Denver team. My prediction of the Broncos winning the Super Bowl has all but died at this point, but I do feel strong about my prediction that San Diego misses the playoffs.

Indianapolis 33
Tampa Bay 14
Who needs a healthy offense. Despite no Marvin Harrison or Joseph Addai, the Colts still prevailed over the Buccaneers using some no-name scrubs. Rapper Kool Keith was able to fill in for Addai and run for 121 yards and 2 touchdowns. Former shortstop Alex Gonzalez was the Colts leading receiver.

Baltimore 9
San Francisco 7
OK I'll finally confess. I didn't watch any of these games. I know you're shocked given the in-depth analysis I've written thus far. But when you see box scores like this one, do you really need to see it? Christ, Baltimore won on just field goals. I'm willing to bet they've won more games on just field goals than any other franchise in the last 10 years. Go look that up while you're researching the Junior Seau/Tecmo thing.

Chicago 27
Green Bay 20
I only watched the first half and that was it for me. Favre was going off again whilst John Madden pleasured himself in the booth over it. Luckily Brett showed some flashes of his "brilliance" from the past few seasons in the second half and threw some picks. If Green Bay hadn't managed to give the ball away so much, they would've had this one in the bag. Meanwhile Griese played very Dilfer-esque in the win. That's really all we can ask from him.

The Golden Nutcup Team
Wear it with pride fellas!

QB - Tom Brady, NE (265 yards, 3 TD)
RB - Kool Keith, IND (28 carries, 121 yards, 2 TD, 3 dope rhymes)
WR - Larry Fitzgerald, ARI (9 catches, 136 yards, 1 TD)
WR - Plaxico Burress, NYG (5 catches, 124 yards, 1 TD)
TE - Benjamin Watson, NE (6 catches, 107 yards, 2 TD)
DEF - Washington (3 points allowed, 5 sacks, 2 INT, 1 safety)

The Flaming Bag Team
Don't put them out with your boot, Harold!

QB - Jon Kitna, DET (106 yards, 2 INT)
RB - LenDale White, TEN (12 carries, 32 yards, 1 fumble)
WR - James Jones, GB (2 fumbles lost)
WR - Calvin Johnson, DET (1 catch, 3 yards)
TE - Alge Crumpler, ATL (2 catches, 4 yards)
DEF - Denver (41 points allowed, to the Chargers)

Monday Night Pick
I'd love nothing more than for Buffalo to take down the Cowgirls, but I'd have to be Eli-level retarded not to pick Dallas.