Monday Afternoon Hangover: Week 2

We're back for Week 2 with a special "Hair of the Dog" Tuesday edition.

Pittsburgh 26
Buffalo 3
The Bills played this game wearing special “Everett 85” shirts under their pads. The shirts were originally set to be auctioned off for charity, but OJ Simpson sneaked into the Bills locker room after the game and stole them all, claiming they belonged to him. In other news, J.P. Losman is still terrible.

Houston 34
Carolina 21
In the “This is why I never go to Vegas” category, the Texans seem inherently pissed off that I picked them to go 0-16 this year. That’s alright…when they go 16-0 and win the Super Bowl, people will be lining up to pay me money to make such unfounded predictions about their favorite teams. On a side note, how much does it suck to be David Carr right now? Carr was sacked 249 times in his 5-year stint with the Texans, signs with Carolina thinking he’ll finally taste the playoffs, and then has his team fall to 0-2 while Houston whips his Panthers to improve to 2-0? Did Matt Schaub look over at him after each touchdown pass and laugh hysterically? Oh well…David Carr has no right to be on a playoff team as long as he’s wearing those fruity white gloves.

Jacksonville 13
Atlanta 7
Joey Harrington was sacked 7 times in this game.

(I literally sat here for 15 minutes staring at the screen trying to come up with something else to say about this game, but nothing else happened.)

Tampa Bay 31
New Orleans 14
Maybe New Orleans is playing like crap because there are so many women showing their breasts for beads. For some reason, this did not distract Jeff Garcia, who described his own 2 TD performance as “Yummy.”

“I’m just glad I was able to plow my team right into the end,” said Garcia after the game. When a reporter asked him if he meant end-zone, Garcia replied, “Ummm…sure?”

Green Bay 35
NY Giants 13
Two words: Fuvck Favre.

San Francisco 17
St. Louis 16
Frank Gore rushed for 2 touchdowns on the afternoon, the second on a spectacular run on 3^rd and 1, just days after his mother passed away due to kidney failure. To prove how much more talented professional athletes are than I am, I rushed to the bathroom once on the afternoon and it took so much out of me that I had to take a nap.

And don’t try to buy low on Steven Jackson in fantasy leagues. With Orlando Pace out for the year and the Rams’ defense playing so terribly, I have a feeling they’re going to be throwing the ball. A lot.

Cleveland 51
Cincinnati 45
I love it when a real-life game brings back fond memories of NFL Blitz, where the last team with the ball wins. At first when I saw the score, I assumed the entire Cincinnati defense had been suspended before the game for some kind of run-in with the law, but no…they’re just that bad.

Indianapolis 22
Tennessee 20
I know that people are tired of the cockiness and pompousness of the ’72 Dolphins, but if the Colts went 16-0 this year, would it necessarily be an improvement to have them be the new cocky assholes of the league 20 years from now? These are the things I ponder while watching the 187^th Peyton Manning commercial of the afternoon.

Detroit 20
Minnesota 17
Each week, there seems to be a “Who wants it less” matchup. Through 2 weeks this season, the Lions have been involved in both of those games. I don’t see them as a threat. It was cool to see one of the Detroit receivers continue to run after his helmet came off. No, I don’t know which receiver it was. I don’t care. He’s probably a loudmouth anyway.

Dallas 37
Miami 20
Trent Green throws 4 interceptions. Daunte Culpepper would laugh, but he’s too busy holding a clipboard behind someone who’s been cut by the Cardinals AND the Lions in his career. Awesome!

Arizona 23
Seattle 20
Does anyone else but me hate Matt Leinart for no reason? He seems like he has a good sense of humor, he’s a decent player, he’s never wronged me or my family, but every time I see him on TV, I want something terrible to happen to him. Also, would it surprise anyone else to find out that he’s been sleeping with Kurt Warner’s wife for the last year and a half? For some reason, this seems like a logical scenario to me.

(That last part was nothing more than an attempt to make you think of Brenda Warner naked. And if you weren’t thinking about it before, you sure are now. You make me sick.)

Baltimore 20
NY Jets 13
New York’s Roger Clemens gave up a record-setting 20 runs in this slugfest with the division-rival Orioles. Wait…that was Kellen Clemens? And it was the Ravens and Jets? Well then who the hell cares?

Denver 23
Oakland 20
Travis Henry’s line for the game: 26 carries, 128 yards, 3 conceptions, 6 paternity pending suits.

Chicago 20
Kansas City 10
Remember last year when Rex Grossman was phenomenal for half the season and then took a nose-dive? We aren’t even getting that good half-season this year. This is not good. Are there any everyday starting quarterbacks in the league (and some backups) that are worse than Rex Grossman?

New England 38
San Diego 14
There is nothing that can be said about this game that hasn’t been covered by 100 media outlets already. Except for the fact that Tomlinson is growing a pretty sweet neck-beard.

Washington 20
Philadelphia 12
The only thing Philly should be thankful for is that New Orleans has everyone talking about how shitty they look, thus sort of ignoring how incredibly bad the Eagles have been. Maybe we should start a running tally for offensive TD's between the Eagles and Notre Dame this season. The current score, Eagles 1, Irish 0. This looks like a real barnburner folks.

The Golden Nutcup Team
Wear it with pride fellas!

QB - Carson Palmer, CIN (401 yards, 6 TD)
RB - Jamal Lewis, CLE (215 yards, 1 TD)
WR - Chad Johnson, CIN (11 catches, 209 yards, 2 TD)
WR - Steve Smith, CAR (8 catches, 153 yards, 3 TD)
TE - Kellen Winslow, CLE (6 catches, 100 yards, 1 TD)
DE - Napoleon Harris, KC (12 tackles, 1 sack, 1 int.)
LB - Lofa Tatupu, SEA (12 tackles, 1 int.)
LB - Lance Briggs, CHI (12 tackles, 1 sack, 1 forced fumble)


The Flaming Bag Team
We'll let you decide what you want to do with them.

QB - Trent Green, MIA (4 INT)
RB - Reggie Bush (10 carries, 27 yards)
RB - LaDanian Tomlinson (18 carries, 43 yards)
WR - Vincent Jackson (4 catches, 53 yards for the "super sleeper" of the year.)
TE - Vernon Davis (2 catches, 23 yards...that's 4 catches for 27 yards on the year total.)