I WANT ACTION!!!

I knew it was coming, and I couldn’t wait.

Every reality dating show has it; the episode where the contestant’s parents are brought in so the person looking for love on the show can meet the folks and use that in his final decision. On “classy” shows like The Bachelor, said bachelor and each contestant are flown out to the contestant’s hometown to spend a few days with the family. But seeing how Rock of Love is on VH1, they decided it would be much cheaper (and volatile) to just fly in all 3 sets of parents at once.

Let the games begin.

The first set of parents that showed up were Heather’s. I was disappointed because her parents seemed really cool and Bret liked them, and I hate Heather. I did not want her parents to be cool. I wanted her parents to be overbearing. Damn.

Then Jes’ parents showed up. Jes was the only one of the girls that seemed legitimately excited to see her folks. Her parents were awesome too, and Bret liked them. Score one for Jes (I am completely pro-Jes and have been since I was able to start watching the show again).

RANDOM NOTE #1: Jes said that she and her parents have a “very open relationship”. Does this mean that she’s able to see other parents and that they are free to mess around with other daughters?

All of that was nothing. I mean, sure it was nice to see Jes and Heather’s parents just to see what kind of people they are, but everyone who is a fan of this show was waiting to meet Lacey’s parents. I could see it a mile away…her parents would show up, and she would be all innocent like she hadn’t been getting fall-down drunk and performing acts of unspeakable fellatio since she’d been in the house.

And I was right. Her dad was a very uptight dude, and he acted like Lacey was his “little angel” that never did anything wrong. It’s during episodes like this where you notice people like Lacey just realized for the first time ever “Oh shit…my parents are going to be able to watch this entire thing in 5 months when it’s on TV.” Good times.

RANDOM NOTE #2: Lacey said in the last episode that her mother died “recently” and that’s why she acts the way she does sometimes. And yet, 2 days later when her dad shows up, he’s got a wife (who looks about Lacey’s age I might add). So did he get over the loss of his wife in all of 3 weeks and move on already? Now maybe her parents split up a while back and her dad got re-married years ago, but that’s not nearly as entertaining in my head.

RANDOM NOTE #3: Lacey mentions that she’s “definitely a ‘daddy’s girl’. I don’t mean to be insensitive, but if your mother passed away, don’t you kind of have to be? I’m just sayin’…

Bret takes Heather and her parents to the Saddle Ranch on Sunset and they drink and ride the mechanical bull. Then he meets Jes’ parents at a rock clothing shop and they all have fun. If it seems like I’m skipping over all of this, it’s because I am. Nothing good happened during these parts. Heather’s dad talked about farting I think. That’s about all I remember.

The main event was dinner with Lacey’s parents. From day 1, Lacey has been playing the “I’m so much like Bret because I’m a starving artist” card. Bret learns in the first 10 minutes of lunch that Lacey actually has a lot of money. Apparently she has no real “job” and lives off of her investments in the stock market. It seems like Lacey’s father is also very wealthy himself, and says that if Bret ever marries his daughter, there’s going to be a pre-nup involved.

What?

Now look, Lacey’s dad may be really wealthy. He may have $10 to every $1 that Bret has. But the last time I checked, Bret Michaels sings for a little band named Poison who, while sort of a joke these days, were one of the last truly popular hair metal bands in the late 80’s. Bret isn’t interested in money…he’s only interested in sex! Duh!

Even though Lacey’s dad acted like a total condescending prick the whole time, he was directly responsible for dropping the biggest question in reality television history. It is a question that scholars have been asking for many years. The ancient Egyptians prayed to many gods for years for an answer.

Lacey’s Dad: “Bret, do you have any hair under that cowboy hat and bandanna?”
Bret: “Ummm…”

YES! FINALLY! Throughout the show, Bret has never been seen without either a bandanna, cowboy hat, or both. We’ve been wondering for MONTHS whether he has no hair or has the fashion sense of Vanessa Williams. Bret cleverly dodged the question, but at least I know I’m not the only one wondering. Rumor has it that the only ones who know the true answer are The Queen, The Vatican, The Gettys, The Rothschilds, and Colonel Sanders before he went tits up. Oh, I hated the Colonel with is wee beady eyes, and that smug look on his face. "Oh, you're gonna buy my chicken! Ohhhhh!"

The next morning, they show Bret working the punching bag. He claims that he had to work some of his aggression out. Suuuure…because everyone works out in jeans and sunglasses, right? Things turn from bad to worse when Lacey starts talking smack about Heather while Heather is within earshot. This leads to a blowup of epic proportions, where Heather drops the bombshell in front of Lacey’s parents: She saw Lacey…doing something…to Bret. You know…it involves her mouth…and Bret’s…”Southern Gentleman”.

RANDOM NOTE #4: Heather says that Lacey is the only one that did any “sex stuff” with Bret. And yet, Bret hooked up with 3 girls just in last week’s episode. Denial is a powerful thing.

So this pisses off Lacey’s dad (never mind the fact that it actually happened). So Lacey’s dad confronts Bret at the punching bag outside and drops the greatest line in the history of television:

“Sorry to bother you, big boy. I need to speak to you about who’s c*ck my daughter’s been sucking.”

Wow. Just…wow. Television history.

First of all, if you just found out that your daughter orally hooked up with someone who’s had his own sex tape with Pamela Anderson released, would you really want to call him “big boy”? Second of all, from a page right out of the “My Daughter Is A Tramp Damage Control” handbook, he says something along the lines of “My daughter’s sex life is no one’s business but hers.” Really…because it sounds like you’re making it your business. But whatever. I guess people from Texas are allowed to be hypocrites.

You may be asking yourself “Where’s Jes during all of this?” She’s smartly standing on the sidelines just watching the train wreck. Even her parents have enough sense to stay out of this crap. Smart play by Jes.

Elimination night comes around, and predictably, Lacey is sent packing. Then Jes and Heather are sent packing…packing their bags that is (HA)! It turns out that Bret, Jes and Heather are going to Mexico for the finale this Sunday!

I’d love to see Jes win, if only because Heather idiotically got Bret’s name tattooed to her neck already.

I’ll be back next week with a running diary of the final episode. And if you’re lucky enough (or if I’m bored), I may just recap the finale of The Pick-Up Artist too. But if that’s going to happen, I’m going to need some PBR to get me through it.

"I am not a problem solver. It is not my forte." - The Immortal Bret Michaels