All times PST
10:08: Peyton is soft-tossing on the sidelines, warming up his arm for the game. "Soft-Tosser" was also his nickname on the Tennessee campus in days of yore. It was likely in reference to something sexual.
10:13: A 37-yard pass to Marvin Harrison puts the Colts at 1st and goal, and Addai runs it in for an easy touchdown on the next play. What is it about the Colts? Why is Peyton Manning the way that he is? It's quite possible that they will go 16-0 this season. I know it's early, but Christ on a horse.
10:26: The Colts get the ball back on a punt. Can't someone plant video equipment and say that that it belongs to the Colts? Would it really be that difficult for someone to videotape the other team's signals, and then slip it in Dungy's jacket pocket? Seems like a no-brainer. Actually, Belichick is probably already working on that.
10:47: I'm in two separate suicide pools. One of them is a double elimination pool, and I took a chance on Carolina at home today. In the other, it's single elimination, so I had to go with a safer bet of Cincinnati over Cleveland. The Carolina bet looks safe in the early going. The Bengals pick? Not so much. Not that anyone reading this cares. But I care deeply.
10:50: Peyton Manning update. He threw a TD to Dallas Clark, which is great for my fantasy team. Again, not that you care.
10:58: This Peyton Manning thing isn't working. In summary, the Colts are good and Peyton is a choad. Let's move on to Chicago Cubs baseball!
11:01: Jason Marquis versus Mark Mulder. This could be a barnburner of crap. I'll be content with a 12-9 victory.11:14: Just before the first pitch, it's time for the first drink of the day. A mimosa. Trust me, it's more manly than you think. At least it's not a mojito.
11:16: Looks like Murton's batting fifth today. We need a big game from Thunder, especially with this being a diary day.
11:17: Lee with a sharp double down the line. Mark Mulder is a southpaw. Shouldn't his arm snap at some point soon? Doesn't that happen to all lefties at some point in their career? Mulder also has apparently requested that the scoreboard operator not put up the speed of his pitches. What a baby. You don't throw hard anyway asshole.
11:19: A-Ram walks, and they review his staredown with Russ Springer from last night. A brawl today wouldn't be half bad.
11:21: Murton pops out to Poopholes. Sigh. Let's check in on that Colts/Titans game.
11:25: Only Peyton Manning has the audacity to throw into double coverage. Can anyone confirm whether or not Peyton Manning is married? I've never seen nor heard of him having a wife. He would be the obsessive dork that goes home and jacks off to X's and O's. Am I jealous of Peyton? Maybe. But I'd rather not look at it that way.
11:26: Rick Ankiel uses HGH to reach first base on a swinging bunt. He should be tarred and feathered.
11:27: Poopholes grounds into a double play. All is momentarily right in the world.
11:32: The thing about the mimosa is that it really loosens up your shoulders right away. This is good for typing. Anyway, Marquis flies out, and a double by Soto is wasted. Is Soto related to Mike Piazza? They look alike. In fact, Piazza, Soto, and Scott Speizio all look the same. Except Speizio is now dry after his rehab stint, and he maintains the incredibly homosexual red-dyed soul patch. I hate Scott Speizio.
11:37: Jason Marquis is pitching "lights-out". I do not expect this to continue.
11:38: Speizio is up. He strikes out on three pitches. Someone get this man a drink!
11:41: Soriano with a leadoff double! Edmonds smacks up against the wall. Unfortunately he is not concussed.
11:42: Brenly points out that the Cubs have three hits on the day, all doubles. Brenly calls this the bartender's special. Brenly will go home and drink a bottle of scotch tonight prior to beating his wife.
11:45: DeRosa walks, two on, no outs. Lee at the plate. Lee promptly grounds into a double play. Seems like he's had an inordinate amount of those lately.
11:49: A-Ram walks again, bringing Murton to the plate to do some damage. And he crushes a homerun down the left field line, hitting the foul pole netting! All hail Thunder Matt Murton! He comes through with said damage! Somebody get this man another wife!
11:51: Craig Monroe with another double down the right field line. We are doubling Mulder to death.
11:53: Cedeno with an RBI single. Cedeno looks like my retarded cousin. Actually, I don't have a retarded cousin, but Cedeno looks like a malnourished child with Down's Syndrome. I'm really not a fan. But God bless his resiliency, being a retard and all.
11:58: The mimosas are flowing like the blood of Cardinal fans. And Mulder is pulled for a pinch hitter in the bottom of the third.
12:06: Soriano with another double to lead off the fourth inning.
12:10: Bases loaded, nobody out with A-Ram at the plate.
12:12: Full count with the bases loaded, and a dribbler to the shortstop, throwing to the plate for the force out. That sucks ass. But it brings up Murton for the potential grand slam, which would thrust him into the lexicon of great Chicago Cubs.
12:16: Alas, Murton hits into a double play. Talk about a wet fart. Christ.
12:16: And my first WGN commercial comment of the day. The ad for that godawful show "Sister Sister". Those girls are not in the least bit attractive. Apparently they are the Black Olsen twins. Someone is going to say that's racist, but it's not. What have those girls done since this show aired. It was a gimmick and it ran it's course. Good riddance.
12:20: By the way, both of my suicide pools? Looking pretty dire right now. I'm in a shame spiral.
12:21: Jim Edmonds is the Mark Loretta of the Cardinals except he doesn't kill strange, foreign children that you don't care about. Every time Edmonds gets a base hit, someone you went to grade school with dies. Remember that girl you had your first crush on when you were in fourth grade? He got a hit. She just got in a car accident and died. Thanks Jim Edmonds. Asshole.
12:26: Geovany Soto with his third hit of the day. Seriously, why does Kendall start ahead of this guy?
12:28: Your cousin that nobody talks about, Ronny Cedeno, just got a solid base hit. However, it only gives Marquis the opportunity to hit into a double play. Marquis looks kind of like a hawk. Not Andre Dawson. And not that Harrelson a-hole. Like a real bird hawk. The kind that swoops down in the night to kill mice. Marquis probably kills mice in the middle of the night too. He kills them with his meaty paws and eats them like buffalo wings.
12:44: OK, I've been researching pictures of hawks for the last 15 minutes.12:48: Chip Wesley has called and distracted me. He convinced me to take Carolina in the suicide pool. What an asshole.
12:50: Murton with a sharp single to right field. 2 for 4 on the day. Craig Monroe? Still thinks stud earrings are cool. Quick, someone give him a call.
1:02: The El Caminos have two runners on with Poopholes at the plate. He jerks a homer foul. Not gonna get the job done you ass. Seriously though, wouldn't Ankiel have logically given
Poopholes some HGH. Even if Ankiel was in minor league rehab at the time? I think Poopholes is guilty. He looks like the kind of guy that would be guilty of a lot of stuff. He looks like a son of a bitch.1:04: Edmonds strikes out. Your best friend in grade school releases the deepest of breaths.
1:09: One of my suicide pools is officially dead with the imminent loss by Cincinnati. Holy hell. The other one took a severe hit with Carolina's loss to the Texans. What is going on in this world? The Chuck Norris commercial for Mountain Dew? Not helping matters.
1:12: Wow, Geovany Soto is hitting .419. Lou! Play this kid! Who cares about veterans! Four hits on the day!
1:25: Marmol on the mound in the bottom of the seventh. Miguel Cairo, Cub of Yore, at third base now after a passed ball by the wunderchild Geovany Soto.
1:28: Boo, the El Caminos score a run. How dare they.
1:37: Bases loaded, Bob Howry comes in the game, and Edmonds is at the plate. Have no doubt about it, Edmonds will kill people you care about. Remember that highlight reel play Edmonds made about eight years ago with the Angels, where he was running toward the center field fence and dove and caught the ball? Remember that? Yeah. HGH. Anyway, he popped out to Lee, and another schoolmate will live.
1:45: Troy Percival is in the game for the El Caminos.
1:47: Murton walks, and then is pinch-run for. Murton doesn't need to exert himself. He's done enough, carrying this team on his shoulders today.
1:49: Goddamn Milwaukee. Why can't the Brewers just roll over and die? This is getting ridiculous. I refuse to acknowledge that someone else is competing against the Cubs to become the worst team ever to make the playoffs.
1:56: This Sam Fuld kid with a fantastic catch against the wall in right field. Is that how you spell his name? Hell if I know, he hardly plays.
2:00: Hell, runners on first and second with two outs. Dempster is warming up in the bullpen. Hide the women and children.
2:00: Hell, runners on first and second with two outs. Dempster is warming up in the bullpen. Hide the women and children.
2:01: Fly ball to end the inning. We go to the top of the ninth.
2:03: The WGN commercials haven't particularly angered me today. And no Moesha commercial. I wonder if they took that show off WGN. Perhaps. Where's the garden weasel when you need it?
2:11: Dempster is on for the save. Cub fans everywhere hold their breath. Ground ball to first by Ankiel for an out!
2:13: Base hit for Poopholes. Imagine that. I'd love to say that Dempster is on thin ice, but you know what? He's not. Piniella seems to be sticking with this guy through thick and thin.
2:14: Taguchi grounds into a double play to end the game! Unfortunately Milwaukee won as well. Cubs are up by a game. This ends your diary for the day. Go Cubs! Pharrell Williams? Go to hell. Dane Cook? You follow Pharrell and keep your mouth shut.
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