Themes, Bond Themes

Back in the Reagan era, I profiled the Bond actors with the promise of further installments to come. Like Robert Zemeckis I sat and sat and sat on the idea to build buzz. Buzz has reached a climax now. Who Shot JR? (Don't tell anyone, but it was Kristin) Who killed Laura Palmer? (Does David Lynch even know?) Jordin or Blake? (Whichever one doesn't beatbox and look like a muppet) No one cares - they're all on pins and needles waiting for Part 2 of the James Bond series, the Bond themes. Since the next batch of Bond DVD's came out Tuesday (go buy Moonraker, Lois Chiles needs the money), its time to hatch this egg. You can buy all of these except Casino Royale's theme on one disc. Enough chit chat, here we go:

21. The Man With the Golden Gun - Lulu - Bad film, worse theme song. Two and a half minutes of Scottish singer Lulu wailing at a pitch that makes glass break.

20. License to Kill - Gladys Knight - Where are The Pips?

19. GoldenEye - Tina Turner - Twenty years past her prime, and even ten years past Private Dancer, Turner manages to ruin a perfectly good song written by Bono and The Edge of U2.

18. For Your Eyes Only - Sheena Easton - I’m not sure why I hate this, but I do. Maybe I just don’t like Sheena Easton. Well, I know I don't.

17. From Russia With Love - Matt Monro - I have to think this song sounded old even when the film premiered in 1963.

16. All Time High (Octopussy) - Rita Coolidge - Bland AM radio tripe. If you play this in your car, your CD player or iPod will transform into an 8-track.

15. Nobody Does it Better (The Spy Who Loved Me) - Carly Simon - See my comment on “All Time High”.

14. Die Another Day - Madonna - The song isn’t bad, but it was a bizarre choice for a James Bond theme song. What says tough British super spy like dance music? Of course, what says tough British super spy like a candy ass Irishman for that matter?

13. You Only Live Twice - Nancy Sinatra - The song is probably better remembered for Robbie Williams’ sample of it in “Millennium” than its original release. At least its remembered better that way by me.

12. Moonraker - Shirley Bassey - Slow, but still compelling because of Bassey’s powerful voice. Since it was released in 1979, the end credits feature the obligatory disco remix of the song.

11. A View to a Kill - Duran Duran - You know Duran Duran was going to get a hack at one of these in the 80s. Their turn came in 1985. Decent song.

10. Tomorrow Never Dies - Sheryl Crow - Everyone’s favorite white trash chick pop singer does her best impression of Shirley Bassey. All in all, not a bad effort.

9. Goldfinger - Shirley Bassey - The Welsh singer takes her first of three turns at doing a theme and records one that still stands up 43 years after its release.

8. The World is Not Enough - Garbage - Not much like anything you’d normally hear from Garbage, but it fits well in the tradition of the series.

7. The Living Daylights - a-ha - Swedish one hit wonders a-ha did a Bond theme? Yes they did, and you couldn't go through the mid-80s without a Scandanavian synthpop band contributing.

6. You Know My Name (Casino Royale) - Chris Cornell - For the first time in 44 years, Bond goes rock.

5. Thunderball - Tom Jones - Some woman just threw her panties at me while I wrote this.

4. On Her Majesty’s Secret Service - The John Barry Orchestra - The 2nd and last time the title music had no words. It didn’t need any. Though not the theme song, Louis Armstrong’s “We Have All the Time in the World” contained in the film is also excellent.

3. Live and Let Die - Paul McCartney & Wings - One of those rare instances where the movie’s theme song can stand on its own. Additionally, it’s the only song on this list ever to be covered by Guns N Roses.

2. Diamonds are Forever - Shirley Bassey - Before Kanye West bastardized it, Bassey’s 2nd go at a James Bond theme song is by far her best.

1. James Bond Theme (Dr. No) - Monty Norman Orchestra - The James Bond theme everyone knows today has to be at the top of our list.



Part three coming eventually...