Machine Gun Lilly Mows Down Reds

Dateline Cincinnati: Ted 'Machine Gun' Lilly made an impressive debut with the kids in red, white and blue on a blustery night in Cincinnati. Ted thrilled the mostly Caucasian Cincinnati crowd with his array of crazy pitches, mowing down the Reds batters execution style.

Machine Gun went 7 strong innings, striking out nine hapless Reds, keeping the same stone-faced expression throughout. Equally impressive was zany Cubs closer Ryan Dempster. The infamous clubhouse cutup worked a perfect ninth inning for a save as flawless as Thunder Matt's swing.

Alas, our own Thunder Matt was given some much needed rest and Cliff Floyd was given a rare start. Floyd was surprised by the starting nod, as last time he checked, he had some sort of injury or malady.

All in all, a great day for Cubs Nation. Start looking over your shoulder Pittsburgh. Here we come!