War Criminal: A. J. Pierzynski

Let me take a step back and exhume McCarthy for a moment: A. J. Pierzynski is a card carrying member of the Communist Party. As you know, even 15 years after the Cold War ended, we don’t tolerate Communists here in the US of A. If that commie name isn’t enough to convince you (I have it on good authority that he changed it from “Anatoly Tualyet“ to the good ole American “A. J.”), consider the facts:

On his birthday, the following events happened:

1916 - Rasputin was finally killed after numerous attempts paving the way for the Bolshevik Revolution in Russia.

1922 - Russia officially becomes the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics.

1947 - Romania’s King abdicates allowing communism to take root in the Land of Dracula.

We also can’t forget that the day of his MLB debut was the 50th anniversary of the founding of North Korea.

I wish I could tell you it was just communism friends, but there are more atrocities connected to him throughout history:

1862 - The Monitor is sunk during the Civil War.

1897 - Natal annexed Zululand (Bastards!!!!)

1940 - California’s first freeway opened, making California a commuter state, clogging the roads with assholes for the next 66 years and creating a layer of smog thicker than Grady Little’s accent. (You could also read into this that Pierzynski is contributing to global warming, and I do.)

1977 - Ted Bundy escapes from prison.

1997 - 400 people are killed in an Algerian massacre.

I would also like to submit that Pierzynski is likely to have invaded his neighbors, gassed his own people, and operated torture chambers. These are the only crimes I can imagine that will get you kicked off a team with the King of War Criminals: Barry Bonds.

So to recap, Pierzynski is responsible for every death caused by the Soviet Union, North Korea, 400 Algerians, and every post-1977 Ted Bundy victim. …oh, and global warming.

Den Hague is too good for this guy. I call for the ironic punishment of sending this guy to one of our Stalinist CIA gulags in Eastern Europe for the rest of his days.