CHIP WESLEYReal Name: Jake
Where are you from? Cedar Rapids, IA
Where are you now? Rock Island, IL
Favorite Baseball Team: Chicago Cubs
Favorite Current Player(s): Derrek Lee, Greg Maddux, Ryan Theriot, Mike Fontenot, Prince Fielder, and of course Thunder Matt Murton
Favorite All-Time Player(s): Ozzie Smith, Ryne Sandberg, Andre Dawson, Tim Salmon
First MLB game you attended: 1988, Cubs vs. Mets at Wrigley Field. We sat in the right field bleachers. Dawson hit a homer, Darryl Strawberry had a pop fly bounce in and out of his glove, and some fans dumped their beers on Lenny Dykstra.
Any memorable encounters with MLB players? Not really. I met Kal Daniels at the mall when I was a kid. I sat and had Schlitz in a bottle with Keith Johns. I saw Fernando Vina eating with his family at Harry Caray's restaurant one time.
Which player(s) would you love to sit and have a beer with? Thunder Matt, Jeromy Burnitz, Goose Gossage and Rod Beck. I visited Des Moines when Beck was living in an RV behind Sec Taylor Stadium. Unfortunately I didn't have time to sit with Shooter and talk baseball over a couple of Coors Lights.
Which player(s) would you like to punch in the face? Neifi Perez, but only if it put him on the 60-day DL.
Which player(s) would you like to punch you in the face? Probably Jamie Moyer, because no way it would hurt.
What's better for baseball, the moustache or the big-league mullet? Its just a matter of time before someone sports a great handlebar and resurrects the 80's classic. And no, Jeff Kent doesn't count.
What 80's hair metal band do you most relate to? Poison, because like Bret Michaels, I'm diabetic, and I have a penchant for cowboy hats.
What's your favorite beer? The holy trinity of Old Style, Pabst Blue Ribbon, and Miller High Life
What's the capital of Bolivia? La Paz
What's the most valuable baseball card you own? I honestly couldn't tell you which one is the most valuable. My main collecting years were from 1987-1993, meaning very little of my collection is worth anything due to mass overproduction. I also had a knack for collecting a bunch of cards for players that never became overly great. For example, ask me how many
Tim Salmon cards I own.
If your daily life had game commentary, who would you want as your play-by-play and color guy? I'd want a trio of Pat Hughes, Ron Santo, and Bob Uecker.
What would you rather see, Kyle Farnsworth in a barfight, a cockfight, or a hobo fight? Hobo fight. It would be the most exciting. Think about it. A wild and unruly hobo that's led a booze-filled life on the rail. He'd know how to improvise and adapt. Farnsworth would get the better of him, but not before he unleashed a few surprises on Kyle.
GOVERNOR GRAY DAVIS
Real Name: Brad
Where are you from? Orange County, CA
Where are you now? Orange County, CA
Favorite Baseball Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Favorite Current Player(s): Jeff Weaver, Milton Bradley, Jeff Kent, Khalil Greene, Takashi Saito, James Loney
Favorite All-Time Player(s): Orel Hershiser, Eric Karros, Nolan Ryan
First MLB game you attended: First I remember was actually a Cubs game in Chicago when I was 6, though there was probably an Angels game before that.
Any memorable encounters with MLB players? Matt Williams put me in a head lock and I got to tell him to shut up about 1993 (LA knocked SF out of the playoff race & he had some snide remarks afterward) during
Spring Training.
Which player(s) would you love to sit and have a beer with? Hideo Nomo, with no interpreter
Which player(s) would you like to punch in the face? Matt Williams
Which player(s) would you like to punch you in the face? Matt Williams
What's better for baseball, the moustache or the big-league mullet? mullet
What 80's hair metal band do you most relate to? Europe
What's your favorite beer? Dos Equis
What's the capital of Bolivia? La Paz
What's the most valuable baseball card you own? Charlie Hough rookie (thats sad)
If your daily life had game commentary, who would you want as your play-by-play and color guy? Vin Scully when I'm at home, Charley Steiner and Steve Lyons will handle the play by play when I'm on the road.
What would you rather see, Kyle Farnsworth in a barfight, a cockfight, or a hobo fight? hobo fight
BRANT BROWN
Real Name: Ted
Where are you from: Iowa
Where are you now: Southern California
Favorite Baseball Team: Chicago Cubs
Favorite Current Player(s): Matt Murton, Travis Hafner, Carlos Zambrano, Derrek Lee
Favorite All-Time Player(s): Ryne Sandberg, Andre Dawson
First MLB game you attended: A random Cubs/Expos game at Wrigley with my dad. I got Spike Owen's autograph.
Any memorable encounters with MLB players? Spitting on Todd Hollandsworth, and on a separate occasion, explaining to him how he should get checked out for HIV/AIDS. Taunting Luis Gonzalez to the point where he acknowledged me in the middle of a game (spring training). I was an accomplice in
Brad's run-in with Matt Williams. I let Mike Piazza touch my girlfriend (appropriately). Had a discussion with Keith Johns about how he used to watch Trot Nixon shoot steroids in his ass. Sat across from Trenidad Hubbard in an airport terminal and was on the same plane when he got a call from Des Moines to the Show a few years ago. That's all I've got at the moment.
Which player(s) would you love to sit and have a beer with? Matt Murton because he's still humble enough to sit with a stranger. Greg Maddux for an intellectual conversation. Kerry Wood to get hammered, have a killer night, piss in an alley, etc. And Rick Sutcliffe.
Which player(s) would you like to punch in the face? Jim Edmonds, Albert Poopholes, Barry Bonds, Johnny Damon
Which player(s) would you like to punch you in the face? Barry Bonds, so he could be suspended for the year, and hopefully be physically unable to come back for another season. Jim Edmonds and Poopholes for similar reasons.
What's better for baseball, the moustache or the big-league mullet? The 'stache
What 80's hair metal band do you most relate to? WASP
What's your favorite beer? Old Style at Wrigley
What's the capital of Bolivia? La Paz. That's where Mike Tyson knocks people to.
What's the most valuable baseball card you own? A Fleer Ryne Sandberg rookie card
If your daily life had game commentary, who would you want as your play-by-play and color guy? Steve Stone for color, because he'll tell it like it is. Harry Caray for play-by-play, unless being dead is a problem. Then just anyone except for Joe Buck.
What would you rather see, Kyle Farnsworth in a barfight, a cockfight, or a hobo fight? A barfight
CHAIM WITZ
Real Name: Ben
Where are you from? Waterloo, IA
Where are you now? Chicago, IL
Favorite Baseball Team: Chicago Cubs
Favorite Current Player(s): Micahel Barrett, Ryan Dempster, Craig Wilson, Barry Zito, Kurt Warner (I know he doesn't technically play baseball, but he IS my favorite current sports figure and in my alternate reality he is also a utility player for the Pirates, a gourmet chef and a fireman.)
Favorite All-Time Player(s): Fernando Valenzuela, Cecil Fielder, Andre Dawson, Babe Ruth
First MLB game you attended: Cubs vs. Phillies at Wrigley circa 84 or 85. Cubs win in extra innings on a Larry Bowa squeeze bunt.
Any memorable encounters with MLB players? Idle small talk with Ryan Dempster about Will Ferrell movies on the field at Wrigley. Seeing Glendon Rusch eating a steak at Ditka's. Matt Murton sighting at PF Changs. Scott Erickson, fresh off a domestic battery charge, at a mall in California with Ted. Said 'What's up Derrek' to Derrek Lee at AMC River East, where he was going to Batman Begins with what I can only assume was his girlfriend/wife/mistress. Seeing Jerry Hariston at the last Star Wars screening. Fernando signing my 1992 Topps Stadium Club (the "Orioles Era") card that I sent in.
Which player(s) would you love to sit and have a beer with? Ryan Dempster, Babe Ruth (is he still alive?), Fernando (that would be tequila shots, not beer), any of the members of the 1997 Waterloo Diamonds.
Which player(s) would you like to punch in the face? Barry Bonds (I'd punch him in the testicles, but they are probably gone at this point), any Houston Astro who owns a camouflage coat (I suspect that would include every Caucasian on the team).
Which player(s) would you like to punch you in the face? I'm a very likable person. No one would ever dream of hitting me.
What's better for baseball, the moustache or the big-league mullet? Oh the 'stache for sure. Nobody's mullet can live up to mine in high school.
What 80's hair metal band do you most relate to? If we can count 1980's era Kiss, I'll go with them. More specifally Vinnie Vincent or maybe a pre-cancer Eric Carr.
What's your favorite beer? If Ted is reading this, Amstel Light. For all others. Domestic: Miller Products. Fancy/Import: Stella
What's the capital of Bolivia? Joliet
What's the most valuable baseball card you own? Wow. Uh. 1952 Topps Hank Sauer maybe? Is that Billy Ripken error card worth anything? How about the Upper Deck Michael Jordan for the White Sox card?
If your daily life had game commentary, who would you want as your play-by-play and color guy? Steve Stone and Bob Uecker with Fernando commentating for our Spanish language listeners.
What would you rather see, Kyle Farnsworth in a barfight, a cockfight, or a hobo fight? By cockfight do you mean with roosters? If so, a hobo fight. If we mean the other type of cockfight, then that.
THE HUNDLEYReal Name: Nick
Where are you from? Davenport, IA (the fightin' west side)
Where are you now? Davenport, IA (moved up to the top of the hill)
Favorite Baseball Team: The Cub, The QC River Bandit (A)
Favorite Current Player(s): The Cub team, Jeter, Vlad
Favorite All-Time Player(s): Dawson, Grace, Vance Law, Dale Murphy
First MLB game you attended: 1981 - White Sox v Red Sox, I don't recall anything. 1st one I remember was 1984 when Chicago had Bowa, The Sarge, and Jody
Any memorable encounters with MLB players? I got an autograph and saw Mike Boddicker do a picthing clinic in the basement of the Cedar Rapids Public Library. The college catcher couldn't handle his curve and the wall got all dented up.
Which player(s) would you love to sit and have a beer with? Mark Grace, The Hundley, Sutcliffe, Nick Swisher
Which player(s) would you like to punch in the face? Bonds, anyone on the Red Sox, Bonds, Tony La Russa, Bonds.
Which player(s) would you like to punch you in the face? Getting punched in the face f-ing sucks. So probably Jim Abbott's "bad" hand or Doug Glanville
What's better for baseball, the moustache or the big-league mullet? So, Dutch Daulton or Kevin Foster? I'll side with the moustache. The womb broom is never out of style. Just ask Jeff Kent.
What 80's hair metal band do you most relate to? Spinal Tap, because I never leave home without an armadillo in my trousers.
What's your favorite beer? For smoking and drinking: Old Styzz. For my refined palette: Goose Island IPA on tap or some local brews at Bent River Brewing because I'm such a snob.
What's the capital of Bolivia? La Paz. I can name all of South America's capitals from a cheesy song I learned in Spanish class.
What's the most valuable baseball card you own? A Sandy Koufax card that says he struck out 15 in the WS. I also have about 6 of the Mark Grace "Rated Rookie" cards.
If your daily life had game commentary, who would you want as your play-by-play and color guy? Stoney and Harry for the english version, and the guy that says, "Go-o-o-o-o-o-o-l" that the spanish audience could access by utilizing the SAP button on the remote.
What would you rather see, Kyle Farnsworth in a barfight, a cockfight, or a hobo fight? Hobo fight? None of the above. I'll take that diamond brawl with Paul Wilson any day.
DAVE THOMASReal Name: Ken
Where are you from? I'm originally from Northbrook, IL which was home to Ferris Bueller and is the illustrious speed-skating capital of the world.
Where are you now? Up until May I lived at the corner of Waveland and Sheffield but have since moved a few blocks away from Wrigley Field.
Favorite Baseball Team: The Chicago Cubs
Favorite Current Player(s): My favorite active player is the prodigal son himself: Greg Maddux. The guy looks like he should be anywhere but throwing on a mound but he's been able to do things with a baseball that stifle the imagination. It's a simple formula: throw strikes and keep them down. Plus he still rides his bike to work and pees on the rookies in the shower. I'm also a big fan of Ken Griffey Jr. For someone who has bones made of glass he has the best looking swing in baseball and is still putting up great numbers and has never once been the center of controversy. My favorite up-and-coming guy is Ryan Theriot who seems to really appreciate the gifts he's been given and puts forth more effort than most veterans, even if the game is a lost cause. I'll always root for a guy like that.
Favorite All-Time Player(s): For me it begins and ends with Mark Grace. The man who totaled the most hits in the 90's was trampled on by the front office and adored by the fans. He coined the term "slump buster" and once had to bat with a load in his pants after trying to rip a little ass for the guys reaching first base. He even came in to pitch for the Diamondbacks during a 19-1 blow out to the Dodgers and almost escaped with a perfect ERA until he came out of the "Fetters" stance and gave up David Ross' first career home run. I was fortunate enough to witness his last game at Wrigley and I would put him up against anyone if you needed a clutch hit in the late innings.
First MLB game you attended: I can't remember the exact game but my dad has always been a White Sox fan and took me to Comiskey Park a lot when I was younger. I remember seeing Jack McDowell, Frank Thomas, and Bo Jackson play for the south-siders. It wasn't until I was a bit older that my allegiance turned decidedly northward.
Any memorable encounters with MLB players? Living about 500 feet from the bleacher entrance to Wrigley I was fortunate enough to routinely see some of the players jog/drive to work. Dempster and Rich Hill would always run right down Sheffield. I also managed a trip out to spring training where just about everyone is accessible.
Which player(s) would you love to sit and have a beer with? I'm going to limit my answer to players who are alive because there are too many guys ( i.e. Jackie Robinson, Ruth, Williams) where a chance to pick their brains would be absolutely priceless. This list could go on and on but my first choice would have to be Grace just because I'm pretty sure I would hear some of the best stories imaginable and possibly even become involved in one.
Which player(s) would you like to punch in the face? This is easy. I would love to get a shot at Bonds. There's no way I'd miss that melon of his and if I could get a chance to wipe a little bit of that smug smile off his face I would cherish it. I would also like to take a swing at Alex Gonzales circa 2003 followed up with a hearty "thanks for nothing." Finally who wouldn't like to pull a Barrett and slug Pierzynski? On my list of hated opponents, he's right behind John Starks and Bill Lambeer.
Which player(s) would you like to punch you in the face? This was a bit harder to answer. I guess I would let them hit me right back since it wouldn't change my thinking at all. Plus I'm not worried about getting slapped by A.J.
What's better for baseball, the moustache or the big-league mullet? I would like to answer this with one word: Shooter.
What 80's hair metal band do you most relate to? This one came down to Europe with their vastly under appreciated 'Final Countdown' and Journey. I have to give the nod to Steve Perry and the gang. 'Separate Ways' and of course, 'Don't Stop Believin' are outstanding. Also, the 'Separate Ways' music video is one of the best worst videos ever. The woman strutting to nowhere along the docks with the Brigitte Nielson hair and the invisible instruments are classic.
What's your favorite beer? Guinness. It's Irish for genius.
What's the capital of Bolivia? The capital of Jabooty is Jabooty.
What's the most valuable baseball card you own? I don't have the recent edition of Beckett handy but I've got two Henry Aaron's that are about to take a hit thanks to Mr. Bonds. I think one of my most meaningful cards is probably my 1983 Fleer Sandberg Rookie which probably isn't worth much money but it's still quite valuable to me.
If your daily life had game commentary, who would you want as your play-by-play and color guy? This may sound expected and as if I'm pandering to the crowd but I wouldn't have it any other way than Pat and Ron. Harry and Steve is awfully tempting since Steve could tell me what I was about to do in any given situation before I did it but I think I would have way too much fun with something as simple as eating a bag of Skittles with Pat and Ron. Pat would ask Ron what his favorite color was and Ron would laugh and tell Patrick that he likes all the colors but his grandson likes the red ones the most and always saves those for last. Then Pat could tell me how many metric tonnes of Skittles I've eaten in my whole life.
What would you rather see, Kyle Farnsworth in a barfight, a cockfight, or a hobo fight? I would really like to see Farnsworth clear out a bunch of popped-collars from any of the places around Wrigley. If I had a burrito in-hand that would be a pretty good day.
DAFT FUNKReal Name: Rich
Where are you from? Huntley, IL
Where are you now? Santa Monica, CA
Favorite Baseball Team: Cubs
Favorite Current Player(s): Ryan Theriot, Rich Hill, Mark Prior
Favorite All-Time Player(s): Glenallen Hill, Ryno, Ted Williams, Matt Riley
First MLB game you attended: Cubs/Expos sometime in the early 90's
Any memorable encounters with MLB players? None. I stink.
Which player(s) would you love to sit and have a beer with? David Ortiz and Manny, Kerry Wood, Nick Swisher
Which player(s) would you like to punch in the face? Alex Rodriguez. Isn't this everyone's pick? And AJ Pierzynski.
Which player(s) would you like to punch you in the face? Alex Rodriguez. It would tarnish his image, and he could afford to settle out of court.
What's better for baseball, the moustache or the big-league mullet? The mullet hands down. Players can gro crappy moustaches...there's no such thing as a crappy mullet.
What 80's hair metal band do you most relate to? Motley Crue.
What's your favorite beer? PBR. I was raised in Illinois!
What's the capital of Bolivia? A little town called "none-of-your-damn-business"
What's the most valuable baseball card you own? An autographed Fergie Jenkins card.
If your daily life had game commentary, who would you want as your play-by-play and color guy? I'd take Ozzy Osbourne and Marv Albert.
What would you rather see, Kyle Farnsworth in a barfight, a cockfight, or a hobo fight? Since he's a member of the Yankees, he's probably got the best shot of being in a ticklefight with A-Rod.
LINGERING BURSITISReal Name: James
Where are you from? Liverpool, England
Where are you now? New York City [the dangerous part]
Favorite Baseball Team: Chicago Cubs
Favorite Current Player(s): Mike Fontenot, Hanley Ramirez, Fausto Carmona
Favorite All-Time Player(s): Ryne Sandberg, Rick Sutcliffe
First MLB game you attended: I got a late start to the party.... a 4-3 loss to the Mets in Shea Stadium in late-2004. Prior was lights out through 7 2/3, then LaTroy coughed up a game-tying 3-run HR with 2 outs in the 9th to Victor fucking Diaz and some dude named Brazell hit a walk-off HR in the 11th.
Any memorable encounters with MLB players? I ran into A-Rod on 56th street just a couple of weeks after the Yankees' 2007 post-season "run" ended. I thanked him for carrying my fantasy team when it mattered most, and as he walked away, slightly confused, I mumbled "you're still a prick, though" under my breath. I could have sworn that he heard me, as he hesitated slightly and began to turn his head, but he thought better of it and kept walking towards Park Avenue. Oh, and one time I got down to the expensive seats and told Paul Bako he should consider another line of work.
Which player(s) would you love to sit and have a beer with? Rick Sutcliffe. The drink of choice would be a 30-pack of PBR each.
Which player(s) would you like to punch in the face? Jose Macias, Neifi Perez, Joba Chamberlain [to see if his face is really made of cotton candy], Roger Clemens [to see if his face is really made of money and unbridled arrogance], Jim Edmonds, David Eckstein, A-Rod [to see if I could beat some sense into him].
Which player(s) would you like to punch you in the face? Adam Dunn or Richie Sexson, because I bet when they swing at me, they'd miss. [wocka wocka!]
What's better for baseball, the moustache or the big-league mullet? The mustache. I don't see how it could be anything else.
What 80's hair metal band do you most relate to? Manowar. They taught me that the way to a woman's heart is through wearing leather or leopard print speedos, and it's stood me in good stead ever since.
What's your favorite beer? Rogue Morimoto Ale. If I'm poorer: give me Brahma. That Brazilian lager is like lighter fluid mixed with methamphetamine. If I'm even poorer: PBR.
What's the capital of Bolivia? La Paz
What's the most valuable baseball card you own? I don't really own any.
If your daily life had game commentary, who would you want as your play-by-play and color guy? Steve Stone and Bobcat Goldthwait, with Erin Andrews in close for the sideline updates.
What would you rather see, Kyle Farnsworth in a barfight, a cockfight, or a hobo fight? I'd rather see him in a hobo fight, because I'd derive great pleasure from him being poor, desperate and homeless.
STAFF DEMOTED TO AAA
CHI-TOWN GIRL
Real Name: Vicki
Where are you from? iowa
Where are you now? orange county, california
Favorite Baseball Team: chicago cubs (because of ted)
Favorite Current Player(s): neifi perez (i'm sure no one wants me to admit that) juan pierre, michael barrett. i only know the names of people who play for the cubs.
Favorite All-Time Player(s): i don't think this applies to me. if it did, the answer would probably be neifi.
First MLB game you attended: angels vs cubs in anaheim stadium, june 2004
Any memorable encounters with MLB players? i had my picture taken with mike piazza. i cannot confirm his sexual preference.
Which player(s) would you love to sit and have a beer with? greg maddux
Which player(s) would you like to punch in the face? randy johnson because if i were lucky enough to break something it might make him more attractive
Which player(s) would you like to punch you in the face? probably none of them...i don't yell from the bleachers that they have AIDS, like some people i know.
What's better for baseball, the moustache or the big-league mullet? moustache
What 80's hair metal band do you most relate to? none really, but i'll say KISS for ben.
What's your favorite beer? tecate in a can
What's the capital of Bolivia? i don't know. my knowledge of geography is limited. i rely on ted for these answers.
What's the most valuable baseball card you own? i own none
If your daily life had game commentary, who would you want as your play-by-play and color guy? jake
What would you rather see, Kyle Farnsworth in a barfight, a cockfight, or a hobo fight? cockfight, only because the word cock is involved
MARTIN GRAMATICA
Real Name: Cody
Where are you from? 3rd Level of Purgatory
Where are you now? Tyler Durden's Basement
Favorite Baseball Team: Minnesota Twins
Favorite Current Player(s): Joe Mauer
Favorite All-Time Player(s): Kirby Puckett (RIP)
First MLB game you attended: Don Larsen's no-hitter in the World Series.
Any memorable encounters with MLB players? Got in a knife fight w/Von Hayes & I spent a season as a correspondent tracking the ever elusive Pedro Guerrero.
Which player(s) would you love to sit and have a beer with? Barry Zito and Rob Deer...at the same time.
Which player(s) would you like to punch in the face? Bonds and any member of the Yankees
Which player(s) would you like to punch you in the face? Huh????
What's better for baseball, the moustache or the big-league mullet? The moustache. It comes in oh so many shapes and forms....
What 80's hair metal band do you most relate to? Quiet Riot
What's your favorite beer? O'Doul's
What's the capital of Bolivia? Washington DC
What's the most valuable baseball card you own? '85 Topps Whitey Herzog
If your daily life had game commentary, who would you want as your play-by-play and color guy? Summerall and Madden.
What would you rather see, Kyle Farnsworth in a barfight, a cockfight, or a hobo fight? I'd rather see Kyle Farnsworth's feet tied to a cement pole and see his hands tied to the back of an 18 Wheeler and then set that bad boy in motion.
TOMMY BUZANIS
Real Name: Shane
Where are you from? Meadville, Mississippi
Where are you now? Chicago, IL
Favorite Baseball Team: Chicago Cubs
Favorite Current Player(s): Thunder Matt Murton, Michael Barrett, Derrek Lee, David Wright, Joe Mauer, Alfonso Soriano
Favorite All-Time Player(s): Ryne Sandberg, Mark Grace, Andre Dawson, Lou Gehrig, Bird Fidrych, Hector Villanueva
First MLB game you attended: Cubs vs. Giants, 1988
Any memorable encounters with MLB players? Jim Edmonds flipped me the bird...Met Sandberg...Met Thunder Matt...Got in a heated argument with Dan Plesac about the talent level of players today versus players from his generation.
Which player(s) would you love to sit and have a beer with? Ryan Dempster, David Wells, Sean Marshall, Mark Teixeira
Which player(s) would you like to punch in the face? Barry Bonds, Derek Jeter, A.J. Perzynski, Brian Anderson, Jim Edmonds
Which player(s) would you like to punch you in the face? David Eckstein, Hee Seop Choi, Thunder Matt
What's better for baseball, the moustache or the big-league mullet? The Mullet - Without it we would have no Mickey Morandini
What 80's hair metal band do you most relate to? Winger
What's your favorite beer? Amber Bock
What's the capital of Bolivia? Shreveport, LA
What's the most valuable baseball card you own? Kevin Orie rookie card
If your daily life had game commentary, who would you want as your play-by-play and color guy? Thom Brenneman
What would you rather see, Kyle Farnsworth in a barfight, a cockfight, or a hobo fight? barfight
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