Chaiming In, New Years Edition

While going home for the holidays I was shocked and horrified to hear 'Christmas Time' by Alvin and the Chipmunks. Do people actually buy the "Alvin and the Chipmunks" albums? Tis the season for murder I say! Doing a minimal amount of research, I find that yes, not only are people buying these albums, but they are rating them an average of 4.5/5 stars on Amazon. I mean these guys are to music what Al Qaeda is to the world.





Who's the boss now? I could fucking buy you Danza.










Barry Zito, or as my wife calls him, "the hottest guy in baseball...way better looking than you" just signed a 7 year, $126 million dollar deal with the Giants. They've done studies that show that good looking people earn more than ugly people. Comparing Zito's salary to Randy Johnson's, we see this to be true. I can see Zito not wanting to take his 85 mph heater to the softball diamond in Arlington, but San Fran? Good luck keeping that ERA down with the geriatrics you have behind you. At least once a week, Barry Bonds legs will fall off while running after the ball, leading to a record year for inside the park homers, and lots of Sam Crawford references . Doesn't Jack Clark still play for them? Seriously, they could sign Julio Franco and the median age on the team would actually decrease. In other exciting news, this Boras-negotiated contract will mean that Carlos Zambrano has the leverage to make the Cubs beg for mercy, rename Wrigley Field in his honor and provide discounted Old Style to all of his countrymen. Well shit, we better hope Rich Hill pans out.

Bob Knight is poised to become college basketball's all time winningest head coach. All I have to say about that is (long string of expletives. choking myself. throwing chair down the hallway, narrowly missing the cat. more expletives. burying my face in red sweater, sobbing.)

The NFL caused quite a little stir by moving the Bears-Packers game to 7:00 on New Years Eve, using the power of the flex schedule to thwart many New Years plans for my fellow Chicagoans. My plans had included watching the game while getting drunk on the couch by myself, leading to a icy stare from my wife which says 'Happy New Year Asshole' better than any greeting card ever could. Fortunately, this switch in times does not affect my plans.

Kurt Warner takes to the field once again, riding a white steed (no, not Brenda) into San Diego to lead the Arizona Football Cardinals to what will surely be a disappointing and most likely, embarrassing loss. But there is hope. Kurt has turned to using a pair of 'gloves' when he plays to reduce his fumblitis. These gloves will surely make him more mobile and increase his escapability tenfold. They are also good for seducing ladies and hitting those tough inside pitches. Fearless prediction: Cardinals 23 Chargers 17. Kurt Warner 1 The Devil 0. Stem Cell Research in Missouri 1 Kurt Warner 0.

The Iowa Hawkeyes take on the Texas Longhorns in the vaunted Alamo Bowl. The Alamo Bowl. Iowa's default bowl for the years in which they suck. Texas, fresh off a national championship, gets stuck with a crummy 6 win team, and doesn't even get to travel. Drew Tate will try in vain to work some Big Texas Magic only to find out that his other players all have the and heart of a 'Elf'-era Jon Favreau (look at how fat he is. That is just unhealthy. And the irony is that he's playing a doctor. Pashaw!), not the 'Rudy'-era one. Fearless prediction: Texas 31 Iowa 13. Ouch. Hayden Fry's mustache 1 Matthew McConaughey's stubby arms 0.

How bout them Northern Iowa Panthers! The alma mater is looking tough in basketball again this year. Certainly the best team in Iowa, which is like being the hottest chick at truck stop diner at 2AM. You just don't know what you're getting. Is it even a woman? But I'm thinking we can at least advance past the first round in the tourney this year, much to the chagrin of Billy Packer.

Rants: Not having a long Christmas break like in college, lamenting, everyone sending/giving/bringing 'sweets' to work for the holidays (how bout a meat and cheese tray? Some Omaha Steaks? Fuck sugar cookies.), guys that do somersaults into a bar to announce their entrance, trying to keep up with drinkers who dwarf your tolerance, trying to pick a fight and then ending it in a warm embrace, Brett Favre man crushes, 'unrated versions' of DVDs.

Raves: Gift Cards, overeating/drinking, 'Kissology Volume I' (the ONLY Kiss DVD you need), the passage of time, breaded pork tenderloins, America: The Book, post-Christmas sales (and getting it online instead of braving the crowds), Topolobampo, finding a good sushi place that delivers.


Happy New Year. Mel says, 'Drink responsibly, but don't let the Jews spoil all your fun!'

Bartender Banter: Hey, you like music kid?

Alright, since the going trend this week is talking about the year that was, I thought I'd throw out a list of my own. Here are my favorite albums of 2006.

So in particular order, here's my top ten.





The Raconteurs - Broken Boy Soldier
I've been a big fan of the White Stripes so this album was right up my alley. Steady, As She Goes, Store Bought Bones, and the title track are all pretty good.

General Elektriks - Cliquety Kliqk
I doubt very many have even heard this. Released on the Quannum Projects label, which has produced a pretty sweet catalog of music, Cliquety Kliqk is a laid back groove of instrumental hip-hop with a few vocal tracks peppered throughout. Reminds me a little of Money Mark.

The Black Keys - Magic Potion
Another solid album from the Keys, but they still haven't changed their sound all that much from their debut album. If you like the raw, bluesier side of the White Stripes, you'll probably like the Black Keys, but I'd recommend their first album, "The Big Come Up" to start with.

Beck - The Information
Listening to "The Information" for the first time I felt like the album served as a better transition between "Sea Change" and "Guero". Then I heard yesterday on WOXY's Top 97 Countdown, that Beck actually started working on this album a few years ago before he started on "Guero". Anyway it's a good blend of his two previous albums. Some good party tracks with some of his lighter melodies mixed in, without the sadness of "Sea Change" so you won't have to worry about wanting to slit your wrists.

Tapes 'n Tapes - The Loon
You know that one indie band/album your friend won't shut up about? You keep telling him, "Yeah I'll look into it," but he keeps badgering you to the point that you're like, "Fuck man, now I'm not going to listen to it just to fucking spite you. Shut up already!" Well that's how I am right now about "The Loon". A frickin' kick ass album all the way around and I'll badger you about checking it out, to the point of you wanting to punch me in the throat.

The Soledad Brothers - The Hardest Walk
If the Stooges came out of the South, this is what they probably would've sounded like. These guys are great and I pretty much get blank stares from people whenever I mention them.

Cut Chemist - The Audience's Listening
I was actually pretty pumped that Cut Chemist and DJ Shadow both were releasing albums this year. While I ended up being generally disappointed with Shadow's release, Cut Chemist's was fantastic. Forget your bullshit house-club-techno-Kylie Minogue-remixing-garbage DJ's. This is what a great turntablist should sound like.

Pearl Jam - Pearl Jam
It's actually pretty impressive that Pearl Jam is still going when you figure every other major band from that era have long since ended. I'll admit that the band had fallen off my radar (I still can't say I've heard Riot Act in it's entirety), but with this year's eponymous release, I was happy to see they definitely still have a little left in the tank.

Wolfmother - Wolfmother
At this point, this album has been bastardized something fierce by television commercials. Just this morning I saw a commercial for Verizon or some other cell phone company that was using "Joker and the Thief". Nevertheless, Wolfmother made it cool to write songs about unicorns and dragons and shit again, just so long as you rock as hard as fucking possible.

The Dirtbombs - If You Don't Already, Have a Look
I don't really expect many to like this one. This was a double disc release of unreleased tracks, b-sides, and covers. If you really want to check out the Dirtbombs I'd start with "Ultraglide in Black" or "Dangerous Magical Noise". If you really like those, then I'd check this one out.

So that's the list, I guess an honorable mention could include The Strokes and TV on the Radio. I didn't really like "Return to Cookie Mountain" when I first heard it, but the song 'Wolf Like Me' is awesome and after seeing them perform it on Conan a couple weeks ago, I've been inclined to give it a few more listens before I make my final judgement. I have to admit it's starting to grow on me now.

If you feel like checking out any of the music I've listed, I put together this handy playlist that is playable through Rhapsody. I'm not sure how well it will work. If you already have a Rhapsody account, great, but it should also work if you don't. Rhapsody allows non-subscribers up to 25 free song plays a month, so you can listen to the full tracks instead of just a 30 second sample without paying for it (fuck you iTunes!). You will probably need to turn off your pop-up blocker to get it to work.

That's it, I'm out until after Christmas. Happy Christmakwanzakkah!

The First Annual Rick Astley Awards Sponsored by Realm of Red

Hey, it's another crappy year-end list/awards/recap! (Children screaming in joy, hands raised!) Sure to be lumped in with the American Music Awards, VH1 Big in '06 and any bestseller 'list' that contains an Ann Coulter book, this comprehensive list/awards/recap is sure to turn you off from this site for good. In honor of someone actually buying one of our 'I Was Ast-Raped in 88' T-shirts (half off to the next lucky schmo!) and also to pay homage to my idol, I've named my first annual awards after everybody's (scratch that, nobody's) favorite crooner. No, not Taylor Hicks silly! And everything needs a sponsor right? Though we don't see a red cent. Pun intended. And just for good measure, I've thrown in some random comments and appearances by some of your favorite Realm of Red characters. Besides, since they're our sponsor, we are contractually obligated to include them. So if you're looking for rhyme, reason or clarity, you've certainly come to the wrong place. Surely there's a Pirates blog somewhere where you can find answers.

So, without further ado (and much ado about nothing), lets bring our first presenter to the stage.

THE NHL AWARD: *Given to the world's worst sport - Ronald McDonald nervously tears open the envelope, his makeup running and his breath reeking of a three day bender. Pants soiled.
The Winner: The NHL! (Crowd is silent. Ronald has a little throw-up burp.)
Commentary from Rick Astley in heavy British accent: "I certainly thought for a minute that boxing might pull of the upset. When the most well known, and arguably talented fighter in the heavyweight divison is the fictional Rocky Balboa, you know something is bloody wrong.

THE WANG ZHIZHI AWARD: *Given to a larger than average Asian disappointment.
The Winner: Hee Sop Choi. (Rusty Staub to Reba McIntyre: "He what? Who in tarnation is that? I think I had that for lunch.")

THE SAM CASSELL AWARD: *Given to the ugliest sports star.
The Winner: Randy Johnson. Is that original? Probably not. But the NBA is riddled with so many ugly players (must be something with being ridiculously tall) that I couldn't pick just one. Plus, let's face it, ole' Randy ain't gettin' any cuter. And, because I am in the holiday spirit and don't want to lose our 4 or 5 fans left out there, I decided to give Peyton a pass. Though don't think I wasn't tempted.

THE SAMMY SOSA BOOMBOX AWARDS: *Given to the year's best albums
1. The Killers, Sam's Town - No sophomore slump here.
2. TV on the Radio, Return to Cookie Mountain - Weird and glorious.
3. Pete Yorn, Nightcrawler - A solid and overlooked gem.
4. Paul Stanley, Live to Win - Extremely satisfying slice of American cheese.
5. Butch Walker and the Let's Go Out Tonites, Ladies and Gentlemen... - Putting the 'cock' back in rock.
Honorable Mention: Muse, Black Holes and Revelations, Brian Vander Ark, Angel Put Your Face On, The Strokes, First Impressions of Earth, The Decemberists, The Crane Wife, Incubus, Light Grenades
Songs of the Year: The Killers, Read My Mind, Incubus, Anna Molly, Buckcherry, Crazy Bitch, TV on the Radio, Hours, The Raconteurs, Steady as She Goes, Pete Yorn, For Us

THE THAD BOSLEY AWARD: *Awarded to the best Cub off the bench.
The Winner: Thunder Matt Murton, of course. C'mon, we have to mention the guy every once in a while. He is after all, our namesake. If you were hoping this was Neifi Perez, well then Santa Claus is going to shit in your pillowcase.

THE NOBODY GIVE TWO SHITS ABOUT YOU ANYMORE DUDE, SO JUST FUCKING SIT DOWN AND POP SOME MORE PILLS. DOUCHE.
The Winner: Terrell Owens (Caruso: "Finish the job Terrell, you pussy!" Re-adjusts sunglasses, tilts head and looks into the camera. "Or will the job finish Terrell?")

COLLEGE FOOTBALL TEAM OF THE YEAR: (Lion-O emerges shirtless to the NWO theme music, grabbing the microphone.)
The Winner: Cornell Big Red. Suck it Nebraska!

THE GARY BUSEY AWARD: *Awarding excellence in cinema. Let me preface this by saying that this list really isn't complete without me having seen Rocky Balboa yet. Yes, I really am excited to see that. Goddamn it, I'm an American. I don't listen to Toby Keith and I don't like apple pie or chocolate chip cookies, but give me my two slices of Americana: Baseball and Rocky.
1. The Departed - If Clint beats Marty for the Oscar this year, Alec Baldwin and Mark Wahlberg won't even let him get to the stage without giving him a Boston beatdown.
2. Children of Men - If you only see one movie in the theatre all year...contains not one, but two 'knock your dick in the dirt' continuous action scenes, shot all in one take with one camera. Simply amazing. One seven minute stretch will almost have you gasping for air, literally. A cinephile's wet dream.
3. Little Miss Sunshine - an understated Steve Carell plays second fiddle to the rest of the stellar cast in the feel good indie of the year.
4. Borat - I likes this moviefilm. Biting satire, social commentary, poop jokes and nude wrestling. A thinking man's Jackass.
5. The Prestige - C'mon, it's got David Bowie in it. Enough said.
6. Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby - 'If you don't like Big Red gum, fuck you.'
7. Casino Royale - Finally, we can all stop talking about how great Timothy Dalton was. If not for a spectacular sequence in Children of Men, the opening chase scene of this would be the nail biter of the year.
8. Little Children - Suburban angst done up right, with lots of naked Kate Winslet. Oh, and the ugly kid from Bad News Bears playing the town pedophile. Sign me up!
9. Inside Man - Oh Spike Lee. I've been Bamboozled!
10. Pan's Labyrinth - A fairy tale for adults. No, not porn. Surreal and enchanting.
Honorable Mention: Shut Up and Sing, Half Nelson, Miami Vice
Worst Movies: American Dreamz, Man of the Year, The Black Dahlia.

THE OLIVIA MANNING AWARD: *Given to the best southern cookin' recipe.
The Winner: Biscuits and Gravy (Georgia Frontiere appears out of nowhere to read her recipe.)
Recipe: Buy those roll-out, biscuits in a can. Eat some of the dough raw. Mmmmm! Put on cookie sheet. Preheat oven at 625 degrees. Cook. Pour gravy out of a jar on top. If you don't have gravy, feel free to substitute ketchup, olive oil or rum. (Sutcliffe to Clooney: "You writin' that down? That will feed a lot of them kids in Africa.)

THE DRUNK GIRL WILLING TO EXPERIMENT AWARD: *Given to the hottest WNBA player.

The Winner: Stacey Dales, Chicago Sky. You work it straight girl! You work it!

THE RICH PRICK TALKING ON HIS BLUETOOTH WHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY TYPING ON HIS BLACKBERRY AWARD: *Given to those players who were erroneously awarded way too much money.
The Winners: Gil Meche, JD Drew, Gary Matthews Jr., Jason Marquis and any other free agent starting pitcher really. (Sutcliffe: "Where was that shit when I was around? Christ on a bike, I was 16-1! Vicente Padilla? I mean, really?")

THE 'MICHAEL JORDAN FOR THE WIZARDS?' AWARD: *Given to tough luck veterans hanging onto past glories.
The Winners: NFL veteran QB's. Kurt Warner, Mark Brunell, Brad Johnson, Daunte Culpepper, Drew Bledsoe....c'mon down. (Shawn Bradley, helping Brad Johnson to his walker. Johnson: "Thanks Shawn. You're a good boy.")

"Daddy's gonna give you a whisker rub!"

THE COREY PATTERSON AWARD: *Hero. Goat. Hero. Goat. Goat.
The Winner: Rex Grossman. Has a QB tickled the taints of so many fans only to not seal the deal and leave you with blue balls more than Sexy Rexy? He's just so damn nice that you hate to be mean to the guy. But then you watch the Cutlers, Leinarts, Youngs, Palmers and Riverseses.. of the world who make it seem so fluid and effortless at times. And Rex, he's out there and you're rooting for him, and he's throwing off his back foot, chucking it as hard as he can. Pretending he's Brett Favre, in the backyard, his mom with a fresh batch of cookies waiting for him in the kitchen. Dammit Rex, I want to like you. I need to like you. You're our bastion of hope. A beacon in the dark sea of past Bears QB's. Dammit boy, don't do this to me. Don't do it Rex.

What we're out of time? Yes, it's 1:00 in the AM and I'm not getting paid for this shit. It's a damn blog, not a magazine. You want closure? Go read your Hemingway and your Bill Shakespeare. I know, I know, worst segue to end a list ever. Shit, I still have to add some pictures and funny links. That's right, I'm taking you behind the scenes of my blog writing thought process. Did that just blow your mind?

Until next year. Keeping the 'Christ' in 'Christ on a bike!',

Chaim.




They just passed a law where it is now legal to actually murder this guy if you ever see him.

God Dammit!

Well the Chicago Tribune is reporting that the Cubs are close to signing Cliff Floyd. Floyd (shown at left, doing what he does best, being injured) is said to likely platoon in LF with Thunder Matt Murton.

While Cliff will certainly give us some added depth to our lineup, this obviously chaps my ass since it could spell problems for Murton being in the starting lineup everyday. Let's hope Thunder Matt can come out of the gates with a hot start this Spring.

Cliff will undoubtedly give 100% to the Cubs, but his kidneys will only give us 50%. Lousy internal organs!

Oh, and thanks to Goatriders for linking to us today when they reported on this story. Whenever we get more than 100 hits, I have to figure something's up.

War Criminal of the Year 2006: You

Thats right, you. You are the war criminal of the year. Why? Well, chances are you fit into one of the categories below:

Anyone who felt the need to feign surprise when a super hot chick from Booger Knob, Kentucky became Miss USA and decided it was time to party. Are you kidding?

Anyone who went to go see Happy Feet instead of Casino Royale. I don't care if you have kids or not. Kids would love James Bond if you would give them a chance. You missed the best Bond flick in over 20 years.

People who still watch reality shows.

The three of you who enjoy listening to Joe Buck.

People who watch the Superbowl for the ads.

Steve Irwin - Why did you have to die you fuck? You were the closest thing to a role model I've ever had.

The bastards at Ticketmaster who thought I should pay $75 to see the Red Hot Chili Peppers at The Forum. Great show, but seriously, $75?

The 299,000,000 or so Americans who didn't buy The Killers' "Sam's Town" or Muse's "Black Holes and Revelations". Best god damned CDs to come out in years and you passed so you could buy another shitfest from Beyonce or Nickelback.

The 3.5 million of you who have bought Carrie Underwood's "Some Hearts" - just in case any of you weren't covered in the previous category.

People who slow down to a near crawl to turn right. Don't you realize some of us have places to go?

Those of you who voted for Don Mattingly in our All 80's Team poll - Eddie Murray is going to beat you with a splintery 2x4 if he finds out who you are.

Peyton Manning.

Eli Manning.

Archie Manning for boning your sister all those years ago and unleashing the previous two on the world.

And finally both the lame asses at Time magazine who decided to name "you" their person of the year and those who thought it would be fun to do a send up of it on a sports blog.

The All-80's Team - AL Right Field

Astroturf, powder blue uniforms, wearing batting helmets in the field to protect your jheri curl, hitting 25 homers and being considered a legitimate slugger, big-league hair, that horrible gum from packs of baseball cards.... who doesn't love baseball from the 80's? Over the next several weeks I will be looking at the best players of the decade as we assemble the TMS All-80's Team. We've finished with the National League and now we'll tackle the American. To meet the criteria a player will have to have played in at least 4 seasons in the 1980's and they must have played the bulk of their games at a certain position during that time to qualify there. Included will be a poll on the left sidebar, so our faithful readers can weigh in on this great debate. But remember, we're focusing on a player's contributions in just the 1980's. What they did in the decades before and/or after are not being considered in this.

Things are starting wind down here. Kirby Puckett easily won last week's poll and will be the starting center fielder for the American League.

AMERICAN LEAGUE RIGHT FIELDERS

Tony Armas
Oakland A's (1980-82), Boston Red Sox (1983-86), California Angels (1987-89)

All-Star: 1981, 1984
Silver Sluggers: 1984
Postseason: 1981 ALCS, 1986 WS
League Leader: 1981 HR, 1984 HR, RBI

Notes: Not to be confused with the oft-injured pitcher for the Nationals, Tony Armas Sr. was the oft-injured outfielder who was a major slugger in the early half of the decade. Tony won the home run title two different seasons, including in 1984 when he hit 43 homers with the Red Sox. The next closest player to him was Dave Kingman with just 35.




Jesse Barfield
Toronto Blue Jays (1981-89), New York Yankees (1989)

All-Star: 1986
Gold Gloves: 1986-87
Silver Sluggers: 1986
Postseason: 1985 ALCS
League Leader: 1986 HR

Notes: Barfield was a hard-hitting outfielder in Toronto for most of the 80's. His best season was 1986, when he led the league in home runs and finished 5th in the MVP voting. His son, Josh, plays 2B for the Cleveland Indians.






Jose Canseco
Oakland A's (1985-89)

All-Star: 1986, 1988-89
Awards: 1986 AL Rookie of the Year, 1988 AL MVP
Silver Sluggers: 1988
Postseason: 1988 WS, 1989 WS
League Leader: 1988 SLG, HR, RBI

Notes: What can we really say about the trainwreck that is Jose Canseco's life that hasn't already been said. Jose put up the best admittedly "enhanced" stats in baseball history. If only the guy wasn't a complete idiot, maybe his tell-all book would be taken a little more seriously.






Dwight Evans
Boston Red Sox (1980-1989)

Nickname: Dewey
All-Star: 1981, 1987
Gold Gloves: 1981-84
Silver Sluggers: 1981, 1987
Postseason: 1986 WS, 1988 ALCS
League Leader: Home Runs (1981), BB (1981, 85, 87), Runs (1984), OBP (1982)

Notes: Dewey was a fan favorite in Boston and was a major offensive force for the Red Sox throughout the 80's. Only Carl Yastrzemski has played more games in a Boston uniform than Evans.





Ruben Sierra
Texas Rangers (1986-89)

Nickname: El Caballo
All-Star: 1989
Silver Sluggers: 1989
League Leader: 1989 SLG, Triples, RBI

Notes: Ruben emerged as a great young slugger in the late 80's, a time when, according to his baseball card, they played ball with foam trucker hats, later to be an inspiration for Fred McGriff in the Tom Emanski Video commercial. Once the 90's rolled around, Ruben got fat and couldn't hit any more and eventually fell off the face of the earth, later to emerge as a solid DH and pinch hitter.





Dave Winfield
New York Yankees (1981-88)

Hall of Fame: Inducted in 2001
All-Star: 1980-89 (1980 with the Padres)
Gold Gloves: 1980, 1982-85, 1987 (1980 with the Padres)
Silver Sluggers: 1981-85
Postseason: 1981 WS

Notes: One of the hardest hitters in baseball, many opponents have said that Winfield could crush line drives greater than anyone. Dave was a great all-around athlete and was drafted out of the University of Minnesota by the San Diego Padres, the Minnesota Vikings, the Atlanta Hawks and the Utah Stars, making him the only person to be drafted by 4 different pro leagues. Dave didn't even play football in college. Winfield obviously chose baseball and never played a single game in the minors, being promoted immediately to the majors by the Padres.



Be sure and vote for your choice of AL Right Field for the TMS All-80's Team. Check out the poll in the left sidebar.

J. D. Drew is a Gimp

Like the title says, J. D. Drew is a gimp. Thank christ he is now Theo Epstein's gimp and not the Dodgers'.

Why hasn't that insane five year/$70 million dollar contract with the Red Sox been finalized yet? Seems his shoulder didn't make it through the physical.

The Red Sox are getting a second opinion and the length of the contract may now be in question. The alternate title of this post was J. D. Drew is Mr. Glass.

Bartender Banter: 200th Post Extravaganza

200 posts here at TMS, and not a thought-provoking intellectual conversation in a single one!

NBA Bitch Fight!
I'm sure you've seen clips of the latest fracas in the NBA this past weekend. I love me some basketball fights. Only because it's entertaining to watch guys that tall essentially fight like girls. They can gracefully drive to the hoop with ease, but when it comes to throwing a punch they're the most uncoordinated looking people on earth. And how about Carmelo looking like a punk bitch with that suckerpunch on Collins? Fine if he throws a punch, but man up and hold your ground instead of sprinting away like that. "Run Carmelo! It's Jared Jeffries!"

Bears Nearly Blow It
Wow guys. You do realize you were playing the Tampa Bay Buccaneers right? One thing's for sure. The Bruce Gradkowski Era looks like it's over in Tampa. He'll now be the obscure name your buddy throws out during a fantasy draft 5 years from now when everyone's joking about which QB a guy should pick.

Devin Hester finally started getting some hype this past week from the media, and what happens? He fumbles twice, including one that was recovered by the Bucs with excellent field position. Then again the folks at ESPN and such were blathering on about how great Drew Brees and the Saints were and they were stunned by a weak ass Redskins team. To stay par for the course I would expect Rudi Johnson, who according to the 'experts' is supposedly going to run rings around the Colts tonight, to rush for only 43 yards with two fumbles.

Lilly Can't Wear 31
Ted Lilly can't wear 31 for the Cubs. The number, once worn by both Fergie Jenkins and Greg Maddux is off limits apparently in case they decide to retire it in the future. Huh? If you're going to retire it, retire it then. Otherwise let the dude wear it. Are they worried that Lilly will become some HOF pitcher as well and they'll have an even greater predicament on their hands?

Honestly, I've made my case for Mark Grace already, but Jenkins should probably be the next number retired. I think the argument against him is that he didn't play the full majority of his career in Chicago, having spent 6 seasons with the Rangers and 2 with the Red Sox. But Fergie's greatest years were with the Cubs, and with 9 full seasons with them that was the team he played the most for and had the biggest impact with. If you wanna include Maddux in the honoring, go for it. It'd probably be silly to retire that number without giving a nod to Mad Dog as well.

Meanwhile, the Cubs have no qualms issuing #21 to Jason Marquis, which some outfielder we had once wore. I think he was Dominican and spoke very spotty English. Since Marquis is probably going to be my new favorite whipping boy, I was really hoping he'd don the infamous #13.

The Flaming Hot Stove

Here's a quick rundown of some of the latest offseason dealings....

Andy Pettitte to the Yankees - "My home's here in Texas. My family is here, my church, my- what? $16 million? Plus a $16 million option for 2008? Let me pack my bag and I'll be on the next plane to New York. Did you talk to Roger yet?"

Obviously that's not a real quote from Pettitte, but the way the media was painting it, he didn't seem to want to leave his home again. Funny how money changes things. Classic New York contract, dropping a crapload of money for an aging vet. Of course even Andy Pettitte with a banged up elbow is still probably better than say Jaret Wright or Carl Pavano.

Jason Jennings to the Astros - The 'stros made a kneejerk trade with Andy's departure, getting Jason Jennings and Miguel Asencio from Colorado in exchange for Willy Taveras, Taylor Buchholz, and Jason Hirsh. I was kind of hoping the Cubs would make a move for Jennings, but not for as much as Houston gave away for him.

Jennings has shown success in hitter-friendly Coors, so being at another hitter-friendly park in Houston shouldn't be too much of an adjustment for him. Meanwhile you can pretty much guarantee that Buchholz won't be drafted in any fantasy leagues next year pitching in Denver. On the other hand the move to Colorado could prove incredibly beneficial to Willy Taveras' power numbers. I fully expect him to double or even triple is home run total from 2006.

Eric Gagne to the Rangers - According to reports a few weeks ago, Gagne never felt better and was in great shape. Of course pretty much every client of Scott Boras is like Col. Steve Austin when they're a free agent. I think our own Governor Gray Davis summed it up best when he said, "A borderline cripple pitching in Arlington...that should work out well."

J.D. Drew & Julio Lugo to the Red Sox - Crap, there's goes the Cubs potential center fielder. I meant Lugo, not Drew. But seriously, whenever you can sign one of the most prolific hitting outfielders (on paper), for $14 million a year, you gotta make that move. Over the last seven seasons, Drew has averaged 120 games played. Currently Vegas has the over/under of games played by Drew in '07 at 96.5.

Jeff Cirillo to the Twins - Holy shit, seriously? This guy is still in the league?

Kenny Lofton to the Rangers - Kenny aims to play for more teams in his career than Reggie Sanders. The current score is 10-8 in favor of Kenny.

Daryle Ward to the Cubs - The replacement for John Mabry. Only difference is that Ward is capable of hitting.

Victor Zambrano non-tendered by the Mets - You gotta cut your losses at some point I guess. Oh well, at least you guys didn't deal away anybody of great value to get him......oh wait.

Marcus Giles non-tendered by the Braves - Hey Hendry, what about this guy? Perhaps? He can't be worse than what we have right now in the middle infield.

Daisuke Matsuzaka to the Red Sox - ESPN will be launching ESPN Dice-K, a 24-hour network that will follow the Japanese phenom around and report his every move. At last they have another player to dry hump now that they've realized with the cancellation of Bonds on Bonds that nobody gives a shit about Barry.

As far as Dice goes, I'm not sure what is more bewildering. His mysterious gyroball, or his mysterious yellow corn tooth.

David Eckstein's Nerdiness Leads to Drunken Discovery

I started out with the full intention of writing up a short piece around the fact that David Eckstein is the biggest nerd on the planet. This should come as a shock to no one who has ever seen this guy, who is the equivalent to the white Urkel. But the straw that broke the camel's cock was when I flipped through the Tribune the other day, I stumbled across a classic article about Eckstein 'brawling' with the anointed leader of white trash nation, A.J. 'Who Me?' Pierzynski at a TNA wrestling pay per view. That sounds exotic.

The article in the paper had a picture, where it appears that Eckstein is holding some sort of championship belt. A wrestling belt none-the-less. Wow. I mean, World Series MVP was enough of a stretch, but wrestling champion? Even given the fact that wrestling is entirely and cartoonishly scripted, and the TNA wrestling roster includes a character aptly named 'Shark Boy', this seems out of context and completely absurd.

So I was looking for a picture of this monumental wrestling feud, which probably ranks up there amongst the greatest of all-time, alongside Koko B. Ware vs. The Genius. No pictures were found, though it did lead me to a site that deserves a mention beyond 'Left Field Link of the Week'.

Yes, that's right, DrunkAthletes.com. A whole site devoted to pictures of athletes getting loaded. Look at the picture of Eckstein! Drinking straight Cuervo out of the bottle. Most players chug champagne or even beer after winning it all, but this diminutive sprite says 'Fuck It! Mas Tequila!' That alone was almost enough to get taken of my Nerds of the Year list, but then you visit his official website and look at the pictures of him with his hat off, and goddamn it Eckstein, you're right back to square one.

But back to Drunk Athletes. AJ Pierzynski doing a whip cream shot. Jimmy Johnson's man tits. A coked up Steve Nash ripping his shirt off on the dance floor. Michael Jordan bartending before a big night of gambling and cheating on his wife. All of it, sports comedy gold. I will never watch the Fox NFL Pregame the same after looking at those pictures of Jimmy Johnson. It's like walking in your parents having sex. Huddled in the fetal postion, shaking and sweating, I am scarred, yet oddly aroused.

I'm going to go chug some tequila and seek help. But not before I tivo me some hot TNA action!

My hair may not move, but my belly does! Where's the sex boat?

Jason Marquis? Really?

OK, now this has just gotten patently ridiculous. The Cubs are spending money just to spend money at this point. Jason Marquis, he of a league worst 6.02 ERA, signs a 3 year, 21 million dollar deal. That ranks up there in the annals of asininity alongside New Coke, the XFL and Sam Smith NBA trade rumblings.

Ted Lilly I could live with, if for no other reason than that he will look handsome in pinstripes. But Jason Marquis? He didn't even make the Cardinals playoff roster, and for good reason. The monkey from the movie 'Ed' was a better pitcher (and for the record, a better actor than Matt LeBlanc). Marquis had only one year that the most generous pundit would qualify as 'decent', but let's remember, so did Rick Wilkins.

Why not give Shawn Marshall or Angel Guzman a shot in Spring Training to win the other starting job? Sure they struggled, but so did Rich Hill for the longest time before he put it together.

Horrible Cardinals pitcher comes to the Cubs to try to resurrect a career that was never worth resurrecting in the first place. Hmm...Jason, I liked you a lot better when your name was Alan Benes. Oh snaps, no I didn't! Yes I did just go there. Daaaaaammmnnnn.








Vegas oddsmakers have Matt LeBlanc as the next former NBC star to pull a "Kramer".

War Criminal: Tony Homo

I don't think I've ever accelerated from zero to pathological hatred with a player as quickly as I have with Tony Homo of the Dallas Cowboys.

The Cowboys were dead and Bill Parcells was beginning to be exposed as the fraud he is and then this pissant comes along. Now the Cowboys have been resurrected and Parcells is still being hailed as the great coach he hasn't been since I was in grade school. Intolerable.

Homo went to Eastern Illinois which barely has a football program. After chewing up the I-AA competition he went undrafted, but garnered a job with the Dallas Cowboys based on the advice of Sean Payton.

All year we heard nothing but Cowboys fans pining for this unknown Tony Homo. Granted, Drew Bledsoe is terrible, but still pining for an unheard of, undrafted I-AA QB couldn't have better exemplified the stupidity of the average Dallas Cowboys fan.

Unfortunately, Homo has put up decent numbers since being given the starting job, which of course all the brain dead Cowboys fans who couldn't have picked him out of a one man lineup a couple months ago are taking credit for. The media, who are whores, have annointed him the 2nd coming of christ, and so I felt my hand was forced in issuing this indictment.

If his crimes on the field aren't bad enough, he's apparently dating Jessica Simpson. I don't know why that makes me mad, but it does.

Anyway, to close, fuck you Tony Homo. I couldn't even come up with a coherent attack against you. You're just evil.

The All-80's Team - AL Center Field

Astroturf, powder blue uniforms, wearing batting helmets in the field to protect your jheri curl, hitting 25 homers and being considered a legitimate slugger, big-league hair, that horrible gum from packs of baseball cards.... who doesn't love baseball from the 80's? Over the next several weeks I will be looking at the best players of the decade as we assemble the TMS All-80's Team. We've finished with the National League and now we'll tackle the American. To meet the criteria a player will have to have played in at least 4 seasons in the 1980's and they must have played the bulk of their games at a certain position during that time to qualify there. Included will be a poll on the left sidebar, so our faithful readers can weigh in on this great debate. But remember, we're focusing on a player's contributions in just the 1980's. What they did in the decades before and/or after are not being considered in this.

Last week we covered AL LF. Rickey Henderson was very pleased to see that Rickey Henderson had won the poll, making Rickey Henderson the starting left fielder for the American League.

AMERICAN LEAGUE CENTER FIELDERS

Fred Lynn
Boston Red Sox (1980), California Angels (1981-84), Baltimore Orioles (1985-88), Detroit Tigers (1988-89)

All-Star: 1980-83
Awards: 1982 ALCS MVP, 1983 ASG MVP
Gold Gloves: 1980
Postseason: 1982 ALCS

Notes: Lynn was a solid center fielder, both offensively and defensively. Fred won a handul of Gold Gloves with the Boston Red Sox. When he was traded to California, Fred still managed to put up decent power numbers, but his AVG took a nosedive as he moved away from lefty hitter-friendly Fenway Park. His 306 career homers is 9th all-time among center fielders.



Lloyd Moseby
Toronto Blue Jays (1980-89)

All-Star: 1986
Silver Sluggers: 1983
Postseason: 1985 ALCS, 1989 ALCS
League Leader: 1984 Triples

Notes: Along with George Bell, Jesse Barfield, Moseby made up the center of what was one of the best offensive outfields of the 80's. Lloyd could hit for power as well as steal bases. He once stole second base, ran back to first, and then stole second again all in one play.






Dwayne Murphy
Oakland A's (1980-87), Detroit Tigers (1988)

Gold Gloves: 1980-85
Postseason: 1981 ALCS

Notes: While he never was an All-Star hitter, Dwayne was one of the best defensive center fielders of the decade, winning 6 straight Gold Gloves from 1980 to 1985.










Kirby Puckett
Minnesota Twins (1984-89)

Hall of Fame: Inducted in 2001
All-Star: 1986-89
Awards: 1989 ALCS MVP
Gold Gloves: 1986-89
Silver Sluggers: 1986-89
Postseason: 1987 WS
League Leader: 1987 Hits, 1988 Hits, 1989 Hits & AVG

Notes: One of the most prolific hitters of his era, Kirby was also a whiz in the field too, earning as many Gold Gloves in the 80's as he did Silver Bats. Kirby is credited as having given the nickname "Donnie Baseball" to Don Mattingly.




Gorman Thomas
Milwaukee Brewers (1980-83, 1986), Cleveland Indians (1983), Seattle Mariners(1984-86)

All-Star: 1981
Postseason: 1981 ALDS, 1982 WS
League Leader: 1982 Home Runs

Notes: How the hell was Gorman a center fielder? Pretty much always hitting for power (his career AVG is .225), Gorman led the AL in home runs in 1982 with 39. Gorman is also the only player listed here with his own barbecue stand at Miller Park.






Willie Wilson
Kansas City Royals (1980-89)

All-Star: 1982-83
Gold Gloves: 1980
Silver Sluggers: 1980, 1982
Postseason: 1980 WS, 1981 ALDS, 1984 ALCS, 1985 WS
League Leader: AVG (1982), Runs (1980), Hits (1980), Triples (1980, 1982, 1985, 1987-88), Singles (1980-82)

Notes: Wilson was a mainstay at center for Kansas City throughout the decade. Known for his blazing speed, Willie finished in the top 5 for steals in the AL from 1980-88. He also led the league in triples 5 different times in the decade. His career 668 stolen bases puts him 12th on the all-time list.







Be sure and vote for your choice of AL Center Field for the TMS All-80's Team. Check out the poll in the left sidebar.

Contract Recap: GMs on Crack

There have been quite a few moves by GMs in the past week. Some are good, some are iffy, and some leave you wondering if the GM who pulled the trigger is trying to get fired. Here's a recap starting in LA:

Jason Schmidt is a Dodger. Excellent. In addition to solidfying the clusterfuck LA called a rotation, the move leaves the Giants pitching staff in shambles. A little pricey, but still one of the best moves of the week.

Luis Gonzalez is also a Dodger. Once again fate reminds us that good and bad often balance out. A 39 year old who has never hit well at Dodger Stadium isn't an answer. On the plus side, Thunder Matt's own Brant Brown doesn't have to drive too far to heckle him.

Gil Meche to KC for $11 mil/year. Who the hell does Gil Meche think he is? Journeyman assclowns like this guy should be thankful if they make half this much. And if Kansas City decided to dust off their checkbook, why this guy?

Greg Maddux to San Diego. Camouflage and turd brown throwbacks must appeal to Greg at this stage in his career...or maybe he just wanted to pad his stats in that cavernous ballpark. Either way, I think Greg should have at least garner Gil Meche money...

Theo Epstein loses his mind. Julio Lugo...4 years/$36 million and JD Drew...5 years/$70 million. Those figures are not a mistake. Drew is a solid, though boring, outfielder who was already overpaid when he was making $11 mil in LA. Julio Lugo is a career .277 hitter who drove in a whopping 37 runs last year. Poor Peter Gammons may have another aneurysm if this keeps up.

Smelling Like Lillies

The Cubs continued their drunken spending spree, agreeing to terms with Ted 'Fuck You, I'm Not Smilin' Lilly on a four year deal worth a reported $40 million.

I've always had an affinity for Mr. Lilly, since 2003 when I drafted him late in my fantasy baseball league as one of my coveted 'sleeper picks'. Hopefully Ted can do more for the Cubs than he did for my fantasy team that year.

Like most of the free agent pitchers out there commanding big bucks, Ted has proved maddeningly inconsistent. In other words, he should fit right in on the North Side. None-the-less it surely beats trotting out Jae Kuk Ryu and Glendon Rusch to throw extended batting practice. Hopefully Lilly's "I don't give a shit" demeanor doesn't clash with Piniella's "Oh yeah, well I DO give a shit" demeanor. This could be the oddest pairing since Paul Reiser and Greg Evigan shared a roof in the quasi-homosexual 'My Two Dads'.

Go Panthers! UNI vs. Iowa Tonight

It's only three hours until Hawk Panther Time!

When it comes to basketball, I hate the Iowa Hawkeyes. Wait, wait, wait, let me go back. I used to love the Hawkeyes. Then that ass clown Steve Alfraud came to town and made a mockery of the program. After the way he handled the Pierre Pierce debacle I have imposed a personal boycott of the team until his ass is out of Iowa City.

Luckily for me, my alma mater, the University of Northern Iowa has been pretty decent in recent years, making it to the tournament the last three seasons. And tonight the two face off in their annual game, which should once again be a good one to watch. Of course, unless you live in or near Eastern Iowa, or you have the ESPN Full Court package, you probably won't get to see this. In recent years the home team usually wins, with the Hawks getting the upperhand at Carver-Hawkeye, and the Panthers taking advantage in the UNI-Dome. Tonight's game is at Iowa so you'd have to consider them the favorites.

UNI, has looked good so far this year, with their only loss coming to #15 Washington. Last week they beat Iowa State, (Who just lost to Drake by the way. Seriously, no one loses to Drake!) but Iowa should be a tougher foe than the Cyclones. Leading the Panthers are seniors Brooks McKowen and Grant Stout, and junior Eric Coleman. McKowen has taken over at guard for sharp-shooting Ben Jacobsen who graduated last year, while Stout and Coleman have provided the Panthers with a tough frontcourt. Coleman is averaging 8.7 rebounds per game while Stout has 8.0. UNI is known for their tough defense as opponents are damn lucky to score more than 65-70 points in a game against them.

Iowa is led by senior guard Adam Haluska, who's averaging 18.5 ppg. After dropping four straight games to Alabama, Villanova, Arizona State and Virginia Tech, the Hawkeyes have bounced back with two wins over cupcakes Coppin State and Texas Pan-American.

So here's to the Panthers trouncing the goddamn Hawkeyes tonight. Of course with the way things have gone in the past regarding the home teams, I'm pretty much figuring Iowa to win this one. Go Panthers, and go Missouri Valley Conference while we're at it. Let's have another great showing in March Madness and prove to the country yet again that Billy Packer is the biggest douchebag of them all, because let's face it, seeing a mid-major kick ass is better than watching the seventh best team in a power conference go nowhere in the tourney.

The All-80's Team - AL Left Field

Astroturf, powder blue uniforms, wearing batting helmets in the field to protect your jheri curl, hitting 25 homers and being considered a legitimate slugger, big-league hair, that horrible gum from packs of baseball cards.... who doesn't love baseball from the 80's? Over the next several weeks I will be looking at the best players of the decade as we assemble the TMS All-80's Team. We've finished with the National League and now we'll tackle the American. To meet the criteria a player will have to have played in at least 4 seasons in the 1980's and they must have played the bulk of their games at a certain position during that time to qualify there. Included will be a poll on the left sidebar, so our faithful readers can weigh in on this great debate. But remember, we're focusing on a player's contributions in just the 1980's. What they did in the decades before and/or after are not being considered in this.

Last week we covered AL SS. Cal Ripken rallied late to win the poll and will be the starting shortstop for the American League.

AMERICAN LEAGUE LEFT FIELDERS

George Bell
Toronto Blue Jays (1981-89)

Nickname: Liberty
All-Star: 1987
Awards: 1987 AL MVP
Silver Sluggers: 1985-87
Postseason: 1985 ALCS, 1989 ALCS
League Leader: 1987 RBI

Notes: Looking at the photo on his baseball card, you'd think George was a jovial character. On the contrary, Bell was an ornery bastard. He was surly and lackadaisical in his play in the field. He even once tried to karate kick Boston pitcher Bruce Kison once, in a move that was imitated years later by Chan Ho Park. But dammit George could hit, and in the mid-80's was one of the most feared sluggers in the league. Later on he would sign on with the Cubs and eventually become trade bait for the White Sox as we end up with Ken Patterson and some Sammy Sosa dude.



Joe Carter
Cleveland Indians (1984-89)

League Leader: 1986 RBI

Notes: From one ex-Cub to another, Carter spent the bulk of the decade with the Cleveland Indians. Joe was a big-time slugger for the Tribe, having 3 100-RBI seasons with them. In1989 he was traded to the Blue Jays, where he would later become a Toronto legend. Carter later went on to pollute the airwaves as the worst Cubs announcer ever, and that's even counting Dave Otto.






Mike Greenwell
Boston Red Sox (1985-89)

Nickname: The Gator
All-Star: 1988-89
Silver Sluggers: 1988
Postseason: 1986 WS, 1988 ALCS

Notes: Greenwell was a stud in 1988, hitting .325 with 22 homers and 119 RBI, finishing second to Jose Canseco for the AL MVP award (It's hard to beat 42 homers with 40 stolen bases). Greenwell never quite lived up to expectations after that season but nonetheless provided the Red Sox with some decent pop in their lineup. Mike now races trucks or something.



Rickey Henderson
Oakland A's (1980-84, 1989), New York Yankees (1985-89)

Nickname: The Man of Steal
All-Star: 1980, 1982-88
Awards: 1989 ALCS MVP
Gold Gloves: 1981
Silver Sluggers: 1981, 1985
Silver Sluggers: 1981 ALCS, 1989 WS
League Leader: Runs (1981, 85, 86, 89), BB (1982, 83, 89), Stolen Bases (1980-86), (1988-89)

Notes: The only player I know that has a section in their Wikipedia entry entitled "Malapropisms" which lists various quotes and anecdotes of him speaking in the third-person. My personal favorite being that he's known to take practice swings in front of a mirror fully nude while saying "Rickey's the best! You tha man, Rickey!"



Ben Oglivie
Milwaukee Brewers (1980-86)

All-Star: 1980, 1982, 1983
Silver Sluggers: 1980
Postseason: 1981 ALDS, 1982 WS
League Leader: 1980 Home Runs

Notes: Oglivie was good power hitter in the early 80's and along with Ted Simmons, Cecil Cooper, Robin Yount, and Gorman Thomas, provided the Brewers one of the most potent hitting lineups in the American League. In 1980, Oglivie shared the home run title with Reggie Jackson, hitting 41.





Jim Rice
Boston Red Sox (1980-89)

All-Star: 1980, 1983-86
Silver Sluggers: 1983-84
Postseason: 1986 WS, 1988 ALCS
League Leader: 1983 Home Runs, RBI

Notes: OK so I've argued that guys should be in the HOF before, but Rice I think is one that has been slighted the most. The guy put up extraordinary numbers for the time he played.







Be sure and vote for your choice of AL Left Field for the TMS All-80's Team. Check out the poll in the left sidebar.

A Mile High Minute...Jay "Jesus" Cutler Edition

After months of clamoring from the Plummer haters, Mike Shanahan benched the veteran in favor of rookie Jay Cutler from Vanderbilt. Cutler is supposed to be the new Elway and save a franchise on its way to the playoffs from missing the playoffs (huh?).

Erm...no such luck. Cutler put up piss poor numbers against the Seahawks and the Broncos lost for the third game in a row. When they were in the AFC, the Seahawks couldn't buy a win at Mile High but they pulled it out last night. The final score was much closer than it should have been because of a lucky shot from Cutler to fellow rookie Brandon Marshall late in the forth.

Take two against the Chargers next week...I'm not holding my breath.

Gross, man.

I'm no Bears fan, but seriously, its time for the Rex Grossman experiment to end. Grossman was 6 of 19 for 34 yards and 3 picks against the Vikings as the Bears again won in spite of their offense's best efforts to lose. Brian Griese is no Jim McMahon...hell he isn't even a Steve Walsh or Eric Kramer, but he's a damn sight better than Grossman. If the Bears want to do another lame Super Bowl dance this year its time for the Griese era to begin.

Hey it's a post about the Cubs!

I know, I know, to call yourself a Cubs blog, it usually helps to, you know, write about them. I guess my only argument for the lack of Cubs coverage here is that it's the offseason, and while we could continually report on the latest free agent and trade rumors, there are so many better Cubs blogs out there who are a lot more on the ball with that sort of thing. So instead of following suit and trying to reinvent the wheel (and trust me, our wheel would be made out of construction paper with a stick-figure bear drawn on, and some dry macaroni pasted on part of it, but not all of it, because we decided to eat the paste instead of using it), we are bringing you hard-hitting columns this offseason involving such hot topics as "drinking to David Caruso clips", "tributes to Freddie Mercury" and "why Peyton Manning is a douche". You know, the type of stuff everyone is clamoring for.

Anyway, the point of this post was to let you know that we did in fact write something Cubs-related recently, it just isn't posted here. We had the privilege of writing a guest column for the folks over at Goat Riders of the Apocalypse. While I'm sure a large chunk of people reading this post probably just came from Goatriders, for those 5 other regular readers we have that may not check them out, go take a gander.