TMS Booze Broject: Sailor Jerry's Spiced Navy Rum

Distillery: Sailor Jerry Ltd., U.S. Virgin Islands

Type: Spiced Navy Rum

Receptacle: 750ml glass bottle with iconic hula girl on the label.

History: Norman "Sailor Jerry" Collins was a sailor and tattoo artist. Actually, he was THE tattoo artist, and aside from laying the foundation for the modern hygienic tattoo parlor & inventing new needlework techniques, he created & popularized some of the most iconic tattoos in history: anchors, skulls, hearts with daggers through them, big-tittied mermaids, etc. He also gave Ed Hardy his start as a tattoo artist, which means Sailor Jerry is indirectly responsible for ridiculously overpriced t-shirts. Being a seafaring man, he obviously drank a whole lot of rum. The corporation which owns the rights to his name & images has produced a spiced rum based on the type of beverage Sailor Jerry might be drinking if hadn't died over 35 years ago.

Drinkability (1 being Jim Jones' kool-aid, 10 being the nectar of the gods): 8. Sailor Jerry's spiced rum is surprisingly smooth for something that's 46% alcohol. Shots go down easily and Rum & Cokes have never tasted better. Don't let the smooth taste fool you, this shit will fuck you up.

Heartiness (1 being fresh mountain spring water, 10 being a pureed British steak infected with mad cow disease): 5, Forget anything made by Budweiser, this rum really is the perfect balance of flavor and refreshment. There are subtle hints of vanilla and a sweet tinge of cherry in there, along with a mellow molasses flavor that isn't as overpowering as other spiced rums I've had. It has a clean, natural taste and smells like a manly potpourri. Imagine the taste of Dr. Pepper, now remove the carbonation and nastiness, and add a shit-ton of alcohol and you'll have a general idea of what to expect from Sailor Jerry's. Also, even though it's called "Navy rum," there's not a hint of seaman in it.

Intoxication (1 being your friend's weird Pentecostal grandmother high on Jesus, 10 being Boris Yeltsin on a week long bender in the Crimea): 8.5. At 92 proof, Sailor Jerry's is getting into "hair on your chest" territory. While not the hardest of liquors, I dare you find a flavored or spiced rum that has both taste and lots of alcohol. Captain Morgan's? 70 proof. Malibu? A paltry 42 proof. Bacardi 151? Well, ok, but that shit is for frat boys, date rapists and people who cut themselves.

Celebrities You May See Drinking This Spirit: Jimmy Buffett, Slash, Ernest Hemmingway's Ghost

Affordability ($ being chicklets in Tijuana, $$$$ being diamond encrusted braised lamb shank from a trendy cafe on the Champs d'Elysee): $$. Being a thrifty alcoholic, I picked this up on sale for $12. Normally, it falls somewhere in the range of $17-20. That's not exactly cheap, but factoring in the quality of the product, it's worth every penny even at regular price.

Cubs of Yore Battle Royale: Final Four

I know, I know. Really there's no excuse for such a long hiatus of the Battle Royale. Well there is. I'm an incredibly lazy bastard. But that excuse doesn't work with the wife so why would it here?

So here we are, the Final Four. It's been a long hard battle but we're down to these quadfecta of Cubs of Yore titans:

Keith "Zonk" Moreland - The O.G. (Original Ginger) of the Cubs. Keith was recently seen on a Cubs broadcast alongside Len Kasper as a color analyst.

he battles...

Dwight "Awww shit, you know" Smith - The Billy Dee Williams of the Cubs. Dwight was recently seen showing off his World Series ring to Jerome Walton for the zillionth time.

* * *

Glenallen "Is that a spider?" Hill - The Bad Ass Motherfucker of the Cubs. Glenallen was recently seen shopping at a Whole Foods Market wearing his batting helmet.

he battles...

Steve "Rainbow" Trout - The Wild Card of the Cubs. Steve was recently seen at Chipotle challenging any who dared compete against him in a burrito eating contest.

Moreland vs. Smith! Hill vs. Trout! Cast your votes now in the polls in the sidebar. We'll close the polls on Tuesday at noon central time.

Cubs sign B.J. Ryan

According to ESPN Chicago, the Cubs have signed recently waived relief pitcher B.J. Ryan to a one year minor league deal. He'll be heading to Mesa to work with minor league trainers.

If he can regain his strength and command he had prior to injury, this could be a huge pick up for the Cubs. It would also give them a much-needed additional southpaw in the bullpen and could allow for an eventual move to put Sean Marshall back in the rotation and Rich Harden to the pen later on down the road.

Bradley's Second Half

It's no secret that Cubs management and fans have had their fill of "Milton Bradley Drama" during the first half of the 2009 campaign. Whether he's bumping umpires, smashing Gatorade coolers, or leaving the ballpark mid-game, no one can say that they're surprised by his behavior. However, even the most stringent Bradley cynic would have a hard time arguing that he wasn't starting to put things together in the last ten games or so leading up to the All-Star break.

We all remember how Bradley was crushing everything in sight in Spring Training. So what switch flipped off when the season started? Was it really as simple as letting go of Gerald Perry and promoting Von Joshua as the Cubs hitting coach? Well, from what the Joe Morgans of the world tell me, yes, it's possible. Even bloody likely. Bradley has always had a great eye in the batter's box, which has been proven throughout his career by a solid .371 lifetime OBP (.436 last season). Maybe he picked up some bad habits, combined with his natural tendency to press too hard and his April leg injury. So let's push all that out of our minds. What's done is done, and no one can honestly attribute the team's position in the NL Central standings to Bradley alone. Pairing him up for extra sessions in the batting cage with Joshua has seemed to help, as was evident through the latest series with the Cardinals.

So what does Lou do with Bradley from here on out? Everyone will point to Milton's poor home run and RBI totals thus far and claim that he's not producing. So what? The man specializes in getting on base, not hitting the ball out of the park. He's only hit over 20 home runs once in his ten year career. Hendry knew that going into the contract negotiations. As it stands right now, Bradley is getting on base at the same clip as guys such as Mark Teixeira, Dustin Pedroia, and Jason Bay.

For what it's worth (likely nothing), I would try batting Bradley in the two-hole behind Fukudome when facing a righty. You want your first two batters getting on base for Lee and Ramirez. Theriot is a fine hitter, with a solid average, but he may be more valuable hitting seventh when Soto is healthy. Granted, Bradley is probably not as adept as Theriot at laying down a bunt, much less running one out. However, if Fukudome and Bradley are drawing walks, as is their M.O., then you're putting your team in the best possible position to score, and score early. It seems like sound logic, or at least it wouldn't hurt to try out for a series. Piniella is always tinkering with the lineup anyway.

Thoughts from the readers?

Press Release: TMS Endorses Wells

***FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE***

Thunder Matt’s Saloon Endorses Wells

Chicago, IL – July 16, 2009

The following is a transcript of the speech delivered by TMS Bartender “Wolter” this morning (annotated with hyperlinks, and edited to be printable):

“Thank you all for coming. I’m here today to talk about a matter near and dear to my heart: the Chicago Cubs.

“Given the poor quality of the Cubs’ offense in the current season, it has been a temptation to say that “This whole damn team sucks,” and indeed many Cubs fans and TMS bartenders alike have joined in iterating some variation on that theme.”

[Wolter pauses for a moment, clutching the podium with white knuckles and mutters something that sounds like "Sori-f@ckin'-a55h0le."]

“However, this fails to take into account the bright spot of this year. The anemic offense (God, has that cliché ever been more accurate) is at least being offset by the solid, and occasionally brilliant starting pitching. As much of a “f@cking nutpunch” (per a high-ranking TMS insider) it is to lose close, low-scoring games, at least the Cubs are not being utterly annihilated in the field, like the residents of ”NATSTOWN!”

“One of the linchpins of this rotation is the surprisingly competent rookie, Randy Wells. Once thought by many Cubs commentators, including this speaker, to be a career Quadruple-A player (much as the namesake of The Saloon is sadly turning into), by picking up a surprisingly devastating “Slutter” (a slider/cutter hybrid that just defeated the "Slurve" to become the Best-Named Pitch in Baseball History), Wells may even garner some votes for Rookie of the Year (like first ballot HoFer Jerome Walton…).”

[Wolter coughs nervously.]

“Moving on…

“Wells, like pre-sex change Rich Harden last year [Note: Harden’s agent will neither confirm, nor deny, Mr. Wolter’s assessment], has been the victim of a few atrociously bad offensive games which have kept his W-L record from being particularly impressive”

[Wolter balls hands into fists and smashes them into podium]

“Can we please agree, as thinking people, that wins are as meaningless a stat as “holds” and move on with our lives?

[Wolter again coughs, and an unnamed TMS intern approaches the podium nervously. Wolter waves him off]

“I can do this. If you look at Wells’ performance, he is pitching damn well. In 81 innings, he has an ERA of 2.55, with about six K’s per nine, and only about 2 walks. His WHIP is is like 1.1, and most importantly…seriously guys…his slider is sickhouse.

“In conclusion, I have been authorized by the Powers That Be at TMS to give Randy Wells our blog’s official support. May God have mercy on his soul.”

[Wolter pauses for applause, then realizes he has been delivering this speech standing on his desk, alone, in an empty office.]

“Holy crap. This cold medicine is awesome…”

Mr. Wells has not yet commented on this announcement.

Contact:
Press Secretary
c/o Thunder Matt’s Saloon
Chicago, IL and Parts Unknown
TMS RSS Feed
TMS Facebook Fan Page
TMS Twitter Page
TMS Hellspawn

###

Thunder Matt at the All-Star Game

No, no, all you dearly beloved Matt Murton fans. Our amiable Thunder did not make the roster for Tuesday's Taco Bell MLB All-Star Game, brought to you by Taco Bell. His night to shine was Wednesday, as he donned the uniform of the Colorado Springs Sky Sox for the Triple-A All-Star Game in beautiful Portland, Oregon. Joining Matt were future star Eric Young, Jr., and a bunch of white guys who will be playing for different teams in two weeks.

Thunder was slotted as the DH for the Pacific Coast League. He hit in the three-hole, striking out looking in his first two plate appearances and grounding out in his third. Eh, who cares how he did? It's just another meaningless All-Star game.

While he's been with Colorado Springs, Murton has hit for a .374 average in 187 at-bats. He has nearly as many doubles (15) as he does strikeouts (18). Matt is clearly maturing under the tutelage of the venerable Sal Fasano.

So what becomes of Murton now? Clearly the Rockies have a glut of talent in their OF. We've exhausted this in the past, but the bottom line is that Murton needs to go to an AL club where he can serve as a DH and have spot starts in the outfield corners. The Twins would seem logical, due to Matt's fair skin and propensity for hitting in the gaps. Unfortunately they too have an abundance quality hitters, spreading the at-bats thin. The Orioles? Occasional rumors have the Red Sox inquiring on bringing Matt back. With a bit of luck, he'll be leaving Colorado Springs in two weeks for greener pastures. Of course, we've been hoping he sees those pastures for the entire three-plus years of this blog's existence. Rest assured though, dear reader, that the boys at the Saloon will keep you posted on all developments Murton.

Also of note in the game: Dave Winfield (tall) threw out the first pitch, and the San Diego Chicken was present. Winfield played for the Padres during the Chicken's heyday. The two were never on the field at the same time. Coincidence, or irrelevant? The International League was leading the Pacific Coast League 6-3 after Murton's third at-bat in the bottom of the sixth. I'll have to assume that he was pulled at this point, as I can't bear to watch the rest of the game.

A Very Modest Proposal That Most People Probably Don't Agree With

The All-Star Game Sucks. Get rid of it.

I should probably say more on this subject.

St. Louis sucks. Get rid of it.

Ok, I'll elaborate on both of these notions.

First: St. Louis, you couldn't get any classier if you assigned monocles to every single bemulleted Jorts-wearer in St. Louis County. Booing Ted Lilly? Classless. Booing the sitting president? Seditious. Cheering the former president louder than any other, despite the fact that man-ape ran the country about as well as Peter Angelos runs the Orioles? Dumber than Ronny Cedeno opening a baserunning school.

Second: the All-Star Game is just a giant letdown. It always is. And I'm not just talking about the fact that the NL couldn't win against the Washington Generals. I'm talking about the fact that it isn't really ever much of a good baseball game, involves more lineup changes than even Tony LaRussa can stomach, and is about as culturally relevant as a Pro-Bowl with a better publicist.

Once upon a time, the All-Star Game made sense. There were two leagues that only played each other for 4-7 games a year, max - and that was only the two best teams. Free agency was an insane pipe dream that hadn't even twinkled in Marvin Miller's eye. Good players on periennial sucky teams (like Ernie Banks or Warren Spahn) didn't have a chance to show their stuff against the other league. And beer cost a nickel, dammit!

Even after Curt Flood made a small crack in the reserve clause, and those after him shattered it, the All-Star game was still a fun little break from the regular season. It was a meaningless game, meant to be an exhibition of the best talent baseball had to offer. For fun. The fans voting for whomever they wanted to see play made sense. Because, you know, it was for fun. A game.

But then, Bud Selig had to do what he does best and douche it up by doing the following:

1. Starting Interleague play
2. Making it count.

Addressing the first point: I'm not 100% opposed to interleague play. At least not opposed enough to rant about it. But, alongside the rampant team-hopping of the free agency era (which I am not opposed to at all - I'm glad players aren't the slaves of the owners any more. As greedy as some of these jagoffs players are, they are saints compared to most owners) it renders moot the coolest part of the All-Star Game: finding out how good your favorite player is against the best of the other league. My dad (though a lifelong Cubs fan) idolized Stan Musial as a kid. What a thrill it was for him to find out just how well The Man would do against an AL ace like Whitey Ford or Early Wynn (assuming they ever faced each other...I'm just being rhetorical here).

Fast-forward to today. Most fans with google and patience could tell you how well any given All-Star has done against the other league in general, and often, any other player in specific. Using my own pathetic favorite team, I don't have to wonder how well my favorite Cubs would do against any of a number of AL players, because at some point I've seen the matchup before. Although, to be fair, I could safely assume that the Cub player would probably screw it up this year.

But I digress. More than usual. My point being: it's not a big deal to see these player matchups these days.

I'm going to do my best to be brief and not to rehash the numerous criticisms many have made regarding the second point: making the ASG "count." The main problems I have with this are that

A) That can't be much motivation to the numerous skilled players who are playing in cellar-dwelling (or at least mediocre) teams. If you play for the Orioles, why on earth should you hustle and possibly injure yourself so that some Massholes will be the ones celebrating in October? Honestly, if you're the kind of person to play your hardest with that low a level of incentive, you're the kind of person who would play that hard in an exhibition anyway.

B) Most people playing in the ASG are very good at what they do. But most of them have never played together before this week, and probably never will until next year. This isn't a team playing another team. This is a lineup of skilled individuals that have no vested interest in each other playing against the individuals on the other team. I don't really believe in the hokey notions of team chemistry overriding talent, but on some level not playing with the group you've gotten used to working with day-in, day-out over the course of a season has to be a tricky prospect.

C) It's just not as much fun. Christ, there are 162 regular season games that "count." If you have to have an exhibition game midway through the season, make it a joyous celebration of playing a game on a summer evening just for the joy of the game. Baseball is awesome, folks. It doesn't have to mean something to be awesome. I for one would love to be able to watch a great AL homerun or defensive webgem without thinking to myself "dammit, even if the Cubs somehow pull this shit off, they're going to lose home advantage."

Ultimately, all this is moot because it's not really like watching a real baseball game. By the time one pitcher finds his rhythm, his inning or so is done. There's no real sense of "uh oh, Player X is running out of gas and the heart of the lineup is coming up. Who do we have in the pen?" There's no thinking "if Player Y strikes out, Player X might be able to finish out this inning against the bottom of the lineup." It's just: "Inning over. Next inning will be a new #1 starter or last year's best closer facing 3 solid hitters." No flow, no game rhythm, no dynamics. That gets old. It's the reason hardcore bands don't make 18 minute songs.

In conclusion: the All-Star Game sucks. Get rid of it.

Unless the NL ever wins one of the damn things.

All Star Drunkblog: The Late Edition

I'm here, I'M HERE! Sorry I'm late what did I miss? Top of the 5th and the NL is leading 3-2? Oh sweet Jebus let's hope they can hold on.

9:02 - Just sat down for the 5th inning and Utley and Pujols made great defensive stops. It's amazing to see a second baseman with ability for a change.

9:04 - Joe Mauer is a motherfucker. Jesus was Ryan Braun playing in CF? How far was he from that ball? AL ties it 3-3.

9:06 - When it comes to handheld devices, U2 are a fickle bunch of assholes aren't they? First it's iPod and now they're shilling for Blackberry. Have you no shame Bono?

9:08 - Joe Maddon is a helluva manager. I also loved his work opposite Will Smith in "Enemy of the State."

9:09 - Wait, Edwin Jackson is good? When did that happen?

9:11 - All Star record for fastest half inning right there. The bottom of the 5th was over before it started.

9:15 - Ryan Zimmerman is only 24 years old? He's gonna be something whenever he gets to play for a major league team.

9:17 - You make the call. Joe Maddon.....or.....Joe Maddon?


9:19 - Adam Jones looks like the bastard child of Eric Davis and I mean that as a compliment.

9:22 - This drunkblog is brought to you by Dogfish Head 60 Minute IPA, the official beer of watching the ASG on the couch with a hot notebook on my lap. I'm sweating like Brando here.

9:23 - Jesus, don't blink or you'll miss the NL bat apparently.

9:24 - Last commercial break there was the largest advertising abortion I've ever seen. It was like a 5 minute Taco Bell commercial that was a blatant ripoff of Andy Samberg's music videos. I hate Taco Bell. I can't remember the last god damn time I went there and was happy with their food. Just a pile of AIDS-laced shmag meat in a tortilla shell.

9:26 - Albert Pujols being interviewed right now. I had no idea he was in the All Star Game. You'd think being in St. Louis they would've made a bigger deal about that.

9:28 - Francisco Cordero is pitching. You know who's not pitching tonight? Chad Cordero.

9:29 - Another quick half inning. This drunkblogging is a breeze.

9:32 - Allow me to be a dick for a second. This singing of "God Bless America" at the 7th inning stretch is complete and utter bullshit. I think I ranted about this before in an old post. I'm close to deeming it a War Criminal. I can do that now and not worry about Dick Cheney secretly wiretapping me.

9:36 - My wife just mentioned that Jayson Werth looks like Leif Garrett. I don't even know what to do with that information.

9:37 - Who would be a bigger douchebag if you bumped into them at a bar, Ryan Braun or Jonathan Papelbon? That's a question for the ages.

9:39 - Leif Werth strikes out to end the 7th inning. Not an exciting last couple innings. Both teams seems to be happily burning through their pitchers though. Is anyone concerned about extra innings? I mean this one "counts" remember?

9:42 - Just saw the one play I missed while I was getting another beer. Carl Crawford robbing a possible homer from Brad Hawpe. The one exciting thing since I logged on thus far and I missed it.

9:45 - 1 out in the top of the 8th and V-Mart is being intentionally walked to bring Adam Jones up. Sure it sets up a possible double play, but I have a bad feeling about this.

9:49 - Eric Davis bastard child with the sac fly. 4-3, AL takes the lead now. Damn it all to hell.

9:51 - Ben Zobrist is now up. Mark it dude, Zobrist will be the Alexei Ramirez of next year's fantasy draft with positional qualifications at 2B/3B/SS/OF.

9:54 - New Mercedes E-Class, basically drives itself according to the pompous commercial. Why can't they work on more important shit like making cars fly and cooking me a steak?

9:56 - According to the Elias Sports Bureau, tonight's game has been deemed the most boring ASG of all time.

9:58 - Adrian Gonzalez. Screw Jake Peavy, this is the Padre you want for your team. Adrian Gonzalez is a grown ass man! He built the Eiffel Tower out of steel, and brawn.

10:00 - Email from former TMS bartender Brant Brown a few hours ago: "Wow, the guy driving Musial in the cart was classic. Didn't even look at Obama until Obama stuck his hand in front of him to shake. Hopefully that shows up on YouTube." St. Louis still acknowledges Jim Crow laws, don't they?

10:02 - Meanwhile a game has started as the NL has men on the corners with Ryan Howard up. 2 outs in the bottom of the 8th. My weiner is alert but not tingling yet.

10:05 - Orlando Hudson steals second. A fine time to mention he was a fucking free agent this offseason, ahem, Mr. Hendry! I'm not a science major but last time I checked as far as second basemen go it's Orlando Hudson > Mike Fontenot > Teri Schiavo > Aaron Miles.

10:07 - Howard strikes out. AIDS.

10:08 - Spiriva for people who have COPD. What the fuck is COPD? Why do I need a commercial for this. If my breathing is fucked up, my doctor will prescribe something. War Criminal: Prescription drug ads. They should be banned right along with tobacco ads. Fucking waste of money. "Your Lipitor will be $117 sir. Yes I know that's a lot for a 30 day supply but did you see how great their last commercial was?"

10:10 - 9th inning has begun. K-Rod is pitching. Mariano Rivera is warming up for the bottom of the 9th. It doesn't matter that he's 52 years old. Mo will probably mow the NL down.

10:12 - The band Jet has to be happy that Budweiser commercials are helping to keep them mariginally relevant by using their one big hit.

10:13 - But we don't broadcast in a 1,000,080p? You don't really broadcast much in 1080p either DirecTV. Stop being such misleading fuckers.

10:16 - I missed the first half of the game. Did a demented Tim McCarver refer to President Obama as a negro or colored? I'm sure Stan Musial's golf cart driver did.

10:18 - Brad Hawpe looks befuddled against Rivera. Speaking of closers, put Lee Smith in the HOF already. Then we can be done arguing for a while until Hoffman and Rivera are eligible. Beyond that I don't see anyone being remotely close to consideration right now.

10:19 - Brad Hawpe might as well have left his bat in the dugout. Down to Miguel Tejada.

10:21 - Lazy pop fly ends the game. The AL wins again. Dammit all to hell. Rivera gets his 4th save in an All Star Game.

10:23 - The NL still has not won an ASG since 1996. Think about that. In 1996 the NL All Star team included Barry Larkin, Tony Gwynn, Matt Williams, Ricky Bottalico, Mark Grudzielanek (as an Expo!), and Steve Trachsel as the lone Cub representative. Yeah that should make you feel depressed.

10:26 - Ugh, why am I still drunk blogging? Carl Crawford is being presented with the ASG MVP Award to a nearly empty Busch Stadium.

10:30 - Flomax will decrease your semen.

10:31 - "The Taco Bell postgame show is sponsored by Taco Bell." -Joe Buck. That's why you get the long dollar Motherbucker!

10:32 - What's with the sad bastard symphony music? Is this the fucking Oscars?

10:34 - Eric Karros interviewing Prince Fielder. "Hey Prince, how did it feel to get that pinch hit double?" "Uh it felt good." Hardhitting shit right there that only Eric Karros can bring you.

10:37 - A new sitcom on Fox with Michael Strahan and Carl Weathers? How can that possibly fail?

10:40 - Alright folks, McCarver and Buck are signing off and so am I. Good night.

Rockies in 6!

Koyie Hill Appreciation Society: 19 Hits & Counting

For each hit Koyie Hill tallies in 2009, I will remove a square of the picture below, until the image underneath is revealed.
Koyie Hill delivered two hits since the last update, so two more squares fall off the board. Hill caught all four games in the weekend series, ceding the plate to Jake Fox late in the second game of the double header on Sunday. He didn't provide a ton of offense, but he's been solid behind the dish for the Cubs since Soto went on the DL. He did lace a sharply hit ball through the legs of Pujols in the first game of the double header, which was ruled an error.

A Koyie Hill Fast Fact Timeline:

June 1st, 2007: In between innings, Koyie Hill tells Carlos Zambrano that catcher Michael Barrett referred to Zambrano as a "beaner". Result: Zambrano wipes the clubhouse with Barrett, Hill comes in to catch.

July 15, 2007: Rob Bowen requests a trade after discovering the brake lines on his SUV had been cut. Jim Hendry trades him to the A's for Jason Kendall. Bowen never arrives in Oakland. Koyie Hill presents Jason Kendall with a big bag of lawn fertilizer to welcome him to the Cubs.

March 15, 2009: During the WBC, Geovany Soto receives an enormous bag of weed at his hotel in Puerto Rico from an "anonymous source". Result: Due to the munchies, Soto comes back from the WBC out of shape, resulting in more playing time for Koyie Hill.

March 30, 2009: Koyie Hill leaves several copies of RamRod magazine in front of Paul Bako's locker. Result: Paul Bako doesn't make the team, Koyie Hill is named backup catcher.

July 7, 2009: Koyie Hill lends Geovany Soto a bat for batting practice. A bat with lead weights secreted inside. Soto pulls his oblique muscle and goes on the DL, resulting in Koyie Hill becoming the starting catcher in the interim.

Send your Koyie Hill Fast Facts to: khillas55@gmail.com

The Hack V Diaries: It's tough to be a baby

Sorry for the lack of updates. I've been pooping myself.

I guess I have been derelict in duties of informing you of my life. To be honest, there hasn't been much life to talk about. I mean, seriously, look at me. I'm a baby.

But I do know a few things about what's been going on here at the Saloon. First of all, Wolter still hates me. He calls me "Hack the fifth son of Satan". I guess I am kinda to blame. A few weeks ago, ol' Chaim convinced Wolter to at least try holding me, for just a second. At first, Wolter gave me the evil eye and splashed holy water on me. But then when I didn't burn, he decided to take a chance and hold me.

Of course, I puked on him.

Then there are the interns. I don't know what's up with these guys. One of them is barely older than I am, one is a philosophical nut, and then there is Adam Blank, who put me in the dishwasher a few nights ago. I wish my motor skills were fully developed, I would have called the cops on him.

Again, I have to apologize. I tend to exaggerate a bit. Life in the Saloon is not as bad as I sometimes make it out to be. I get to drink free beer, eat as many chicken wings and fried pickles as I can, and most of the time the guys put me in front of the t.v. and I watch sports all day. Then I get a diaper change, get burped, and go to bed. Not a bad life.

But let me tell you, I have seen some strange things on the t.v. lately. Stuff that would make a grown-up poop.

First of all, remind me to never get involved with a crazy chick. The guys were telling me stories of Artuoro Gatti and Steve McNair. They said they were real men. Real warriors. Unfortunately, they were both killed by crazy chicks. Although I've never met a woman, I'll admit I am a little scared to now.

Not all of the bartenders are bad people either. I know I might talk about their bad habits and all, but the other day Brant Brown tried to teach me about the world outside the saloon. He told me all about the world's worst people. I was so scared I swore in my baby talk that I would never ever leave. Brant just smiled and said "good boy".

TMS Beer Project: Hop Juice Double IPA

With the name Saloon included in our moniker, one could surmise that we here at TMS like to drinky drinky. One that would make such an assumption would be correct, thereby throwing out the whole, 'when you assume you make an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me' bullshit. We also like to plagiarize each other. In the same vein as the Wrigleyville Bar Project, we are proud to bring you another installment of the TMS Beer Project. The premise is simple: we review beers. Each rating will feature a variety of scores from 1-10 and comments from the bartender. This is a public service damn it. We don't want you to be the sucker who pays $15 for a six pack of some overrated Belgian cat piss. Now, we all drink massive amounts of beer so we know what we speak of. Each of us seem to have a favorite style of beer though. Will we be reviewing macrobrews like Bud and Coors? Oh you bet your Aunt Susie's ass we will. For purposes of this science experiment, and it is in the name of science, those will be the "control" group. Use them as a base line for when we review lesser known imports and microbrews. Without further ado, I bring you our next beer:

Hop Juice Double IPA*
(AKA Left Coast Hop Juice)

Brewery: Oggi's Pizza & Brewing Co.

Type: American Double / Imperial IPA

Receptacle: 22 oz. bottle

Drinkability (1 being Jim Jones' kool-aid, 10 being the nectar of the gods): 7, If you're looking for a cool, refreshing beer on a hot 112 degree day, this beer is NOT for you. If you're looking for a beer with a flavor that is going to kick you in the dick with it's skunky hops, then step on up to the bar, son. This beer will put hair on your chest and grow your balls back from when your girlfriend took them and made you watch "The Notebook". I would compare the drinkability of this beer using my good friend K-Wil as an example. We once gave him a glass of Macallan 18 Year Old and he cringed. This is why we no longer give him good Scotch, and this is why when he comes over to watch the Cubs games he always brings Coors Light. The point is, if you have sophisticated and mature tastes, you can handle this beer. If you prefer Michelob Ultra Tuscan Orange Grapefruit, this beer probably isn't for you.

Heartiness (1 being fresh mountain spring water, 10 being a pureed British steak infected with mad cow disease): 10, This beer is hop to the max. From the description on the label:

The recipe calls for hops to be used in every step of the brewing process: in the mash, in a hop back, in the fermenter and in the bright tanks. We use hop extract, hop pellets and hop flowers, hence the name Hop Juice. Hop Juice spends more than 4 weeks dry hopping in the fermenter and the bright beer tank. It is approximately 9.4% abv and has massive IBUs.

This beer is not to be taken lightly, but if you love hoppy beer, then this is for you. It's taste also includes a citrus and malt background to support the hops and has a piny and warming alcohol sensation that lingers long after your last sip, although does not leave that rancid taste in your mouth like many IPA's. It drinks like a nice Scotch that should be enjoyed rather than as a means to an end of getting wasted. Think of it as the Ravinia of beer, rather than the Double Door.

Intoxication (1 being your friend's weird pentecostal grandmother high on Jesus, 10 being Boris Yeltsin on a week long bender in the Crimea): 9, Hope Juice is 9.4% ABV which makes it more of a session beer than anything. It's served in a bomber, which will get you a nice a buzz. Drink one and you'll be feeling fine, drink more than one and you'll be on the floor.

Celebrities You May See Drinking This Brew: Would celebrities drink this beer? I highly doubt it, it's limited availability to California, Arizona, Philadelphia and Long Island make it a brew that is known by a select few. If a celebrity would be involved, it would include one who likes a real beer (hard to find around those pansy asses) so maybe Jaime Oliver, Zane Lamprey, or Gordon Ramsay.

Affordability ($ being chicklets in Tijuana, $$$$ being diamond encrusted braised lamb shank from a trendy cafe on the Champs d'Elysee): $$$, This beer was $5.49 for the 22 oz. bottle, but I've tasted much worse beer that paled in comparison to this for a much higher price. If you can find this beer, it's definitely worth any price just to try it once. Of course, my first taste was free at a beer festival, and now I have to pay for it, which kinda makes it like the crack of Double IPA's.

Overall: 9, But I'm biased, because I love IPA's. The hoppier, the better. Plus at almost 10%, this beer will make feel good afterward whether you like it or not. Personally, it's one of the few high alcohol content beers that I've had that doesn't push the alcohol flavor too much. If you like hops, this should be on your list to try, as it is one of the more drinkable "super IPA's" that you will find. Either you'll love it, our you'll hate it, and by that I mean either you know how to change your oil, throw a football, and smoke cigars, or you like ballets and crocheting.

Go Cubs!

*Two Brothers Brewing Company out of Warrenville, IL also makes a beer by the name of Hop Juice. This is not that beer.

TMS Booze Project: Taaka Vodka

I always felt like an outsider when I'd read one of the TMS Beer Project reviews. Although I sometimes drink beer and even enjoy it on occasion, it's usually something I resort to only when every other beverage has been consumed. Being a saloon, I decided to spotlight my preferred vessel for inebriation: hard liquor. Without further adieu, I bring you the TMS Booze Project: Taaka Vodka edition...


Taaka Vodka

Distillery: Sazerac Co., Frankfurt KY

Type: "Genuine" Vodka

Receptacle: 750ml glass bottle (also known as a "fifth" for all you rookies out there)

Drinkability (1 being Jim Jones' kool-aid, 10 being the nectar of the gods): 2. This vodka was the cheapest liquor I could find at my corner liquor store. Unfortunately, their is a direct correlation between the taste and the prince. Whereas good vodka is nearly flavorless and smooth, Taaka has a sharp, acidic taste. I've never drank urine, but I would imagine that this is how the urine of somebody who drank an entire bottle of Kettle One would taste.

Heartiness (1 being fresh mountain spring water, 10 being a pureed British steak infected with mad cow disease): 8, but remember: Vodka is supposed to be more like mountain spring water than steak. Taaka is sickeningly sweet and slightly minty. If somebody would have given me Taaka in a blind taste test, I might have guessed it were cheap gin.

Intoxication (1 being your friend's weird pentecostal grandmother high on Jesus, 10 being Boris Yeltsin on a week long bender in the Crimea): 7, Its pretty standard at 80 proof, but the low quality tricked my brain into thinking it was much higher than that. The first few shots were atrocious, but after the cheap grain alcohol started eating away at my taste buds, I had no problem doing shots of this awful stuff. The resulting hangover felt more like a whiskey hangover than a vodka hangover.

Celebrities You May See Drinking This Spirit: Courtney Love, Shia LaBeouf, Vince Neil, whatever band is headlining the county fair

Affordability ($ being chicklets in Tijuana, $$$$ being diamond encrusted braised lamb shank from a trendy cafe on the Champs d'Elysee): $. Ounce for ounce, there are probably cheaper liquors out there. However, you'd have to get into 1.75 liter plastic jug territory and I'm not willing to cross that line just yet. For a fifth of vodka in a glass bottle, you just can't get cheaper than Taaka. I paid $4.99 for it; although it was a dollar off it's usual price of $5.99. Since the bottle holds roughly 25 ounces, and each shot is 1.5 ounces, that means each shot of vodka cost me about 30 cents. The extra 'a' in Taaka is for affordability.